These Questions
by all.out.carby
Summary: Chapter 40: In Return (Complete)
1. First Snow of the Season

Chapter 1 - First Snow of the Season  
  
"Carter," Abby said entering the lounge. "Are you off now?"  
  
He nodded as he removed his stethoscope from around his neck. "Yeah."  
  
She nodded. "You want to get something to eat?"  
  
He slammed the door shut. "I had a crappy day."  
  
"Me too," she pleaded.  
  
Carter looked at her. "Okay."  
  
She smiled. He sat down at the table and tapped a low rhythm to the wood on the desk. She put on her winter attire and curled her hair behind her ears. Carter watched her do so. He didn't know why he was watching her. He mentally slapped his wrist and turned toward the window.  
  
"What went wrong with your day, then?" she asked suddenly.  
  
Carter edged back to reality, removing himself from his thoughts. She was still smoothing down her hair hopefully. She frowned at it and awaited his answer. He awoke, and answered her with a different voice. He hoped she wouldn't notice. "A mother came in. She fed her kids something. They all died. All four of them. All four of her kids." He looked down. "The police are questioning her. Poor woman, she's breaking down. It's not abuse, I could tell." He wasn't a cop. He couldn't tell anything. Ah, well.  
  
"Sorry," she said. She smiled at him comfortingly. They caught one of their gazes, the kind that Carter looked like he enjoyed and disregarded at once. She turned to the mirror to fix her hair again. Since when did she care so much about her hair? Or was he just noticing it now?  
  
"You look great," he said. Fine. Not great, fine. She did look great, but if he said that then she would think things. Things he didn't want her to think.  
  
"Thanks," she said, wrinkling her nose. "So do you."  
  
"Thanks," Carter said with a phony grin, quickly taking its place then vanishing from his face. "Since when do you care so much about your hair?"  
  
"Since when do you care?" she fired, finally throwing her door shut. "And thanks."  
  
He shrugged. "I'm just saying I've never seen you so critical."  
  
"I've always been like that," she said. "You just never noticed. Let's go." She picked up her purse and started towards the door. Carter beat her there and opened the door for her. She was still looking through her purse for something as she walked out. "Thanks," she murmured. Carter rolled his eyes in disappointment.  
  
They were out the ER doors when she reached for his hand. He didn't argue at her action, but felt obligated to question it. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Hmm?" she asked, staring out into the wintry Chicago scenery. Her eyes glittered against the light sprinkle of snowflakes. It was the first snow of the season. He knew her attention would fly to that before it went to his previous inquiry.  
  
"Oh, my God, it's snowing Carter!" Her face lit up with delight.  
  
Ten points for me, Carter thought.  
  
"Yeah," he said. He looked up at the sky. They were standing next to each other. Closely. Too close for Carter. He enjoyed it and everything, but it was close. Why did she always taunt him like this?  
  
"Did you ever stick out your tongue to catch a snowflake when you were a kid?" Abby asked.  
  
He looked at her oddly. She shrugged with a childish smile.  
  
"No," he said. "That's disgusting. Do you know what's probably in them? That's the main cause of death." He smiled. "You know how many snowflake victims I've pronounced in all my years here?"  
  
She giggled. He forgot about her hand holding his, but at all the same time kept it in his mind. Her fingers were wrapped tightly around his hand, squeezing it with excitement. The grip was enough to keep him happy. He didn't know whether to keep them there on the sidewalk forever or to initiate their trip to a restaurant. He decided to watch for her move.  
  
She leaned in against his shoulder, still smiling up at the sky. What was she doing? Carter was almost shocked. Was this some kind of flirting? No, no. What was she doing? She was now fully against him, breathing with him. He didn't want to move, afraid of shaking her off. He instinctively gripped her hand tightly without noticing it, just to make her happy. He liked to see her smile. He knew how her pass had been. That's why it was always nice to see Abby smile. If she could, anyone could.  
  
"What do you want to eat?" she asked, getting herself back onto the sidewalk. She was less then a foot away, still holding his hand. He wanted her near him. Nearer, he should say.  
  
"You wanna get it to go, or order it or something?" He looked over his shoulder to avoid her eyes. He imagined them looking at his face, sparkling with the magic embers in her eyes. He wasn't asking her out. Technically, he was. He had to stop thinking so much. Even his brain was telling him to shut up and kiss her.  
  
Kiss her? But why? He thought of it. Did he want to kiss her? No, because it's just Abby, the girl that you've been crazy about for how long. He didn't know he wanted to kiss her, though. Why was he even bringing it up? What was wrong with him?  
  
She's your best friend, he told himself.  
  
"Okay," she said.  
  
And he still wasn't asking her out. "Cool. Get it to go or just head back to my place and eat it there?"  
  
"Why not my place?" she asked.  
  
Carter shrugged. "Whatever. I just want the dinner, really."  
  
She giggled and leaned into his shoulder again. He didn't know why she was doing this to him. He wanted to hug her back and scream at her for teasing him at the same time. Obviously, she didn't mean anything by it. Then what was it? Friends don't do that. Couples do that. People that are married do that. Parents do that, but not friends. Right?  
  
"Carter," she said with a smile. "Cross the street. Do you want me to hold your hand?" she joked.  
  
Go ahead, he thought.  
  
They walked together across the street filled with vehicles. People were getting off work now. Everyone was going home. After dinner, he would have to go home with himself, all-alone. Technically, he had Gamma. And maids, butlers, cooks, and blah, blah, blah. But he was still alone. And he hated that.  
  
He knew he was the kind of person who needed someone to depend on like that. Without that extra pillar, he could crumble. His friendship with Abby was stronger than almost any relationship he had ever had. Except for some of the ones with the sex, because Abby and Carter never had that.  
  
Not that he regretted it, or anything. His friendship with Abby was the most important thing in the world to him, alongside Gamma. If it ever did turn into something more, well then that happened. He stuttered in his own head. He was too unsure to complete his thought.  
  
"You can come in, you know," she said. They already had reached her apartment. It was clean, remarkably. He stepped inside. The entire room smelled like she did. Something like vanilla. But people don't smell like vanilla, he said to himself.  
  
He put his coat on the chair, like he had grown accustomed to in a while. She threw hers on top of hers and walked to the bathroom.  
  
"I'll be right back," she called, shutting the door.  
  
Carter took this time to consider his thoughts. What was he doing? He was going for his best friend? He was attracted to her.  
  
There he said it. But why did it have to be that way? He wanted to be with her now. He had to be. But he couldn't. It was kind of the way things were between them. The now or never thing. Still, they always found chances here and there. Today was his chance. That was a stupid line. He wouldn't go for her. Not now, not ever. It was stupid. Why would he? To ruin himself or to ruin their friendship?  
  
"Carter," she cried from the bathroom. "Will you come here?"  
  
He brought himself back to the vanilla of the room. Suck it up, Carter.  
  
No, he replied to himself. Something was wrong with him. It couldn't be love though.  
  
I know, it's a little stupid. Don't make fun of me, please! ;) I appreciate reviews. Be gentle, this is my first fic on ff.net. I promise that it won't be completely generic.  
  
-me 


	2. New Exposure

My note: Just so you all know, for some reason the spell/grammar check wasn't working because my laptop went Phoebe on me and only speaks Spanish now. Therefore, spelling and grammar check in Spanish. Just thought I would tell you all, so you don't consider me stupid if you catch something really wrong.   
  
--  
  
Chapter 2 - New Exposure  
  
  
"Carter," she cried from the bathroom. "Will you come here?"  
  
He brought himself back to the vanilla of the room. Suck it up, Carter.  
  
No, he replied to himself. Something was wrong with him. It couldn't be love though.  
  
"Yeah," he said, entering the bathroom. She wasn't there, though. He looked around the small room, as if he was missing her hiding behind the shower curtain or something.  
  
"Over here," she said from the bedroom down the hall. He walked surely through the narrow way, and came to her room. She had her head in her hands, but looked up when he came in.  
  
"What is it?" he asked.   
  
She got up immediately. "Never mind," she laughed. "What do you want to eat?"  
  
Carter looked at her for a second, but then stiffened and smiled quickly. "I don't care. What do you want?"  
  
She collapsed onto her back on the bed. Her small, short frame folded and she turned onto her side. "Whatever," she said. She closed her eyes and lay there. Carter watched her chest rise and fall, in sync with her silent breaths. Her eyelids were softly shut, draped over her deep brown eyes.   
  
He surprised himself as he walked to the bed and fell next to her. He took on the same position as her, only looking towards her. She opened her eyes at his form next to her and smiled. He smiled back with a tight grin, but didn't give in. He wasn't sure of what to do next.  
  
"We gotta eat, don't we?" he asked.  
  
She giggled. "You must be hungry. What do you want, then, because I'm not that hungry."  
  
He rolled his eyes with a smile. "Then why did we come here to eat?"  
  
She shrugged.  
  
Carter felt tense at once. She was looking at him, studying every detail of his face. Her head was gracefully lying on her arm, which was extended out above her towards the headboard. She only blinked a few times, Carter saw. She brought her hand up to Carter's face and stroked it. The smile from his own face faded automatically.   
  
She rested her hand on the bed again, much to Carter's disappointment. He rolled onto his back, uncomfortable with the situation. If anyone's fault, it was his. He had given her the green light when he joined her on the bed.   
  
She laughed into the quiet, causing Carter to nearly jump. "You're so shy."  
  
He shook his head, still staring at the ceiling. He didn't see her reaction. Did she smile? Whatever she did, was it something good? What was good?  
  
Why was he asking all of these questions?  
  
She caressed his hand with her own. He froze again, slightly. He justly turned to see her gazing at his hand. She ran her finger around his hand, making it tingle with a new emotion. He didn't know whether to be uneasy or contented with her action. They had been like this before, though. It's not like anything would happen. Nothing ever had.  
  
He turned toward her. Their eyes locked. They looked at one another tightly. Carter's hand reciprocated her motions and fondled her own hand. Her smile was a small and shy one, as Carter doubted he even wore one. She came closer to him, all the while Carter's intensity rising. It was the feeling between them, something was going on. He put his arm around her, again shocked at his instincts.   
  
She leaned toward his face and kissed him. He was tightened immediately. He kissed her back, again relying on inborn feelings. They pulled apart, looking down. She brought her eyes back to his, searching for his reply. He wanted it to happen, didn't he?   
  
She read his eyes, evidently, and kissed him again. This time filled with more passion. The rest of the world went away for a moment as they held each other. Their lips were gently caressing, while Abby's hands held his face. He had one hand wrapped about her back to meet her hair, playing with it. She changed positions, pushing herself over top of him. He didn't say anything, careful not to break the moment. He was scared. This was he and Abby. Their relationship was a touchy-feely friendship, but usually friendships didn't go this far.  
  
He gripped her waist with his hands, feeling her freeze as he had before on the inside. She held his face again, near his neck. Carter was lost. What had driven her to this? Why had he followed? The questions were coming back to haunt him, and he hated it.   
  
He was now more aware of her body pressed against his. He bent his head to kiss her neck, finally taking his own leap. She lifted her head back, enjoying his actions. He kissed her collarbone, causing her to moan. He sat up, as she followed, and tightened his hug around her little waist. She rested her hands on his shoulders, her arms and elbows lying against his chest. Their lips still teased the other's, with each of them exploring their bodies. Carter found his hands in her chestnut tresses again. Her hands were running up and down his back, through his hair. He smiled to himself; he wasn't afraid.  
  
She had reached for his shirt, taking him by surprise. He knew her eyes were settled on his own, awaiting his response. He looked up at her, with his arms still around her small waist. Her eyes read sudden regret. He guessed she was no uncomfortable. She uneasily shifted, looking at him.  
  
"I didn't think that you'd want to," Carter found himself explaining.  
  
Abby was breathing loosely, looking towards Carter before she spoke again. Carter watched her eyes seem to dance while lying perfectly still. "I don't know if we should."  
  
Carter nodded and looked towards the comforter on the bed. Just a minute ago they were wrapped in just a gaze, watching the other with confusion and eagerness. It was already just a memory, and perhaps, at this rate, it was all it would ever be.  
  
He didn't want it to be like that. He looked up at her to see her looking down as he had. He kissed her forehead, bringing her eyes to meet his. He was frightened again of her reaction. He waited for her to reject him. Instead, she watched for his move.  
  
He knew that whatever he decided to do would change them forever. Whether he ignored this obvious chance, or took a leap.   
  
He couldn't do anything with her. He wanted to, but could he? If he denied it now, could it ever happen?  
  
He leaned in and kissed her. He didn't listen to himself as he did so. His arms inched around her once again. She hooked her arms around his neck, then brought them down to his arms. They were strong around her, Carter noted, as he eased himself through their uneasiness. They were both shy with this new situation, Carter knew.  
  
She pressed her lips lightly against his neck, causing Carter to do the same to her. She moaned softly and fell back to the bed. Carter took a look at her. He saw her take a worried glance at his face. She was trembling. Carter felt instant sympathy for whatever was wrong. He didn't want to do this with her. He did, he knew it, but he couldn't. Not now.  
  
He arched above her and kissed her head sweetly. She closed her eyes at this. Carter went to her side on the bed, taking one hand to her hair. He stroked it lovingly and didn't expect a response from her.  
  
Abby sensed it and turned toward him. She took his hand from her hair and held it to her neck, near her chest. She held it as if it were her treasure and shook her head. "Don't hold back because of me."  
  
Carter just looked at her. He didn't know what to do with that.  
  
"This is us," she said. "Us. Me and you." She began to touch his hand with gentle fingers. "I think," she said, but lost herself and didn't know how to continue.  
  
Within seconds, Abby came towards Carter. He didn't hesitate to reciprocate, glad with her choice. He kissed her as softly as he could, barely touching her lips. He was lost in the moment, like he had never been before. Every other time he was with someone, it was the sexual factor that took him away. This time, it was Abby. It was her and just the moment.   
  
He felt his clothes being taken away. His hands searched for her body, hungry for her. They revealed themselves to the other. Taking an instant to soak it in, they leapt back to each other. Their hands couldn't leave the exploring. It was amazing. They made love carelessly, freely. It wasn't rushed. It was gentle, instead. Passionate and loving.   
  
Carter fell towards her, kissing her temples. She breathed heavily with her eyes closed. Her body was still shaking from their experience together. She was shuddering, too weak to smile. Carter wasn't much different; all he could manage to do was kiss her. Her face was covered in a light, transparent blanket of perspiration, as was his. He snuggled up against her naked, shaking form to comfort her. Without opening her eyes, she kissed his neck. Exhausted, they both fell away to slumber.   
  
--  
  
Hope you all enjoyed it. It used to be a NC-17 fic, but I decided to change it so more people could read it. It was more conscious this way on Carter's part, I guess.  
  
Please review! Thanks for all the support from Molly and Betsy!! ;)  
  
-me 


	3. Battles

Spell check's still goofed up like you wouldn't believe...   
Hoping for some inspiration from ER, so I'm watching it now. ;) - "Friendly Fire" by the way -   
Once again, bear with me! This fic will probably get boring. =)  
  
--  
  
The first thing he felt that morning was her warm hand against his face. He remembered her against his body, but didn't see that when he awoke. Instead, as he opened his eyes, he saw Abby just leaving her apartment. He slowly sat up in the bed. He didn't know what to think. But he knew that he was in Abby's room. He needed clothes before his shift.   
  
He was surprised to see himself get up from the comfort of her home and gather to a cab, which he took to his house. His ride was one of just one thought: Abby. The way they were the previous night. It was like nothing before. The entire night was a warm one, filled with the two of their feelings. It was just them. Nothing else in the world. He and Abby.  
  
He was unaware of himself smiling all the while, even as he stepped from the cab to pay the driver and walk to his house. He tried not to disturb any of the house's company as he strode inside. Successful, he immediately arrived at his room to throw on a fresh ensemble and studied himself in the mirror. Good enough.  
  
He rushed through a breakfast, although he knew he wouldn't be late. He felt a sudden anxiousness to see her, for some reason. The "some reason" was apparent.  
  
He had reached County some time later, early for his shift. It was incredibly busy. There were doctors, nurses, and upset patients running around the room. Noise was busting out from all sides. He smiled at the familiar scene and headed towards the lounge. Kerry's head was inside the door as he slipped inside.  
  
"Susan!" she called. "Susan! Come on, get up!"  
  
Susan stirred slightly, causing Carter to laugh a little.   
  
"Aw, Kerry," Susan whimpered. "I've been on for nearly twenty-six hours! I wanna go home." She reluctantly arose from her desired rest.  
  
"Traumas coming out of nowhere, Susan," Kerry said. "This is the busiest I've seen in a while. We're going to need some more help. I've reached nearly everyone."  
  
"Is Abby here?" Carter questioned. He removed his coat and placed it cautiously in his locker as Susan poured herself a glass of coffee.  
  
Kerry nodded hastily and rapped her hand against the counter near Susan. "Let's go. No coffee."  
  
Susan drank as much as she could, but drew it away and started out the door. "I can't feel my tongue."  
  
Carter laughed at Susan's remark and her exhaustion as Kerry left as well. He was in uniform now as Abby walked in.  
  
"Hi," Carter said from his position at the lockers. He moved towards her, but she looked up with a weak smile.  
  
"Carter, wait," she said.   
  
He looked at her oddly. "What is it?" He managed his voice to sound simple. Was it that she didn't want to tell anyone else? She wanted to keep their relationship a secret.   
  
"We can't do this," she laughed. Her laugh wasn't an actual laugh, though.  
  
"Sure we can."  
  
"No," she said. "Carter, we can't."  
  
He finally backed away. "What?"  
  
She turned away. "We can't, Carter." She left the room, letting the door swing against its hinges.  
  
He raced after her. "Abby, wait," he called across the lobby. The room was engulfed in chaos, but he was guessing that he'd still heard her. She hadn't responded though. He spotted and empty curtain area, much to his surprise, and dragged her into it. She barely fought from his grip.  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Carter, we can't do this," she said, her voice insisting. She didn't let her eyes meet his.   
  
He laughed nervously. "But what about last night?"  
  
"What about it, Carter?" she asked, her voice strong, but at the same time weak. "We, we're friends."  
  
"We slept together, Abby - "  
  
"I'm well aware of it."  
  
He sighed. "I felt something - "  
  
She shook her head with another strong voice. "No," she said. "I'll talk to you later - "  
  
"So, this isn't a big deal then, right?" he said. He was afraid of tears, but fought successfully to hold them back. "We only shared a night together. You kissed me. I kissed you." The near-tears were making his voice quiver slightly. He didn't want her to see him as he felt to collapse.   
  
"I'm with Luka." With this she bit her lip as she looked downward to the floor.  
  
"What?" Everything that he could have feared was soaring through his head. *It was a lie.* That was the first thing that came to his head. But Abby wouldn't lie about that. That disappointed him. He felt weak now, ready to die if he could.   
  
No, he didn't want to die. He never wanted to die. He just really wanted Abby. He couldn't believe what he'd heard. He wanted to shut her out, but at the same time he wanted to take her up in his arms and never let go. Neither option seemed like a possibility.  
  
There was a pause before she continued. All he could hear was the swarming mess outside the thin curtain. "For about one month now. I didn't want to say anything."  
  
"You kissed me, Abby," he suggested.  
  
"It was a mistake," she said. "You're smart, Carter. You'd know that."  
  
"God," he said. "God, Abby."  
  
She couldn't answer and turned away. He felt like crying, but wouldn't let himself come to it. She walked away abruptly and Carter wondered how she felt. If she was hurting. He was. There was so much hurt now.   
  
Carter wasn't in love with her. But he was about as close as one could get.   
  
He was forced to carry on with his day, without tears. It was hard, but he was the victor over weeping in the end. Thankfully, he wrapped himself in a coat at the end of the day and prepared for a night of either fear, regret, or long awaited tears.  
  
-   
  
He was there with her again. Deep in her embrace. But then, he wasn't. His dream wasn't real. The hurt, the pain, the exhaustion was all real. The tears, finally flowing from his eyes, were real if anything was.  
  
--  
  
That's it, chapter three. I hope that none of this awful Luby (ugh!) crap makes you want to stop reading. Note the "ugh" please; I'm a Carby through and through. (Obviously.)  
  
Stay tuned for Chapter four. Sorry for this one being so short.  
  
Soooo much thanks to everyone who has reviewed my stories. You guys are all so sweet and awesome. My encouragement. =)  
  
-me 


	4. Dog Bite

Spell check's still dead. (Keep it in your prayers.)   
  
This fic should be a little depressing. I put a lot of emotional groaning on Carter's part. (Oh, yay...) If I haven't already made you puke and stop watching ER, well, then that's amazing.  
  
-  
  
His eyes opened, but it was a reluctant move. He waited an instant before sitting up, taking himself from the one time he was secure. Only sleeping had brought him away from his thoughts of her. His dreams were still occupied by her image, but at least there were happy endings.  
  
His shower, his breakfast, his conversation with Gamma were all droned out in reality. He faked a few smiles, cautious with them for Gamma's sake. She had sensed a change in him, he knew, but she didn't say anything.   
  
He was silent as he reached the streets near County. His head hurt, and he didn't feel like being a doctor today. He didn't feel like seeing anyone, talking to anyone. It had been this way for a week, now, and he hadn't expected it to change.  
  
The ER was silent. The entire desk was encircled in the staff, chatting in complete boredom. There wasn't any sign of Weaver, though, as was there Susan or Abby.  
  
He felt slightly relieved. It was hard to face her now. The first days had been awkward, but now the atmosphere was chilly and uncomfortable. They had been hesitant to work together in traumas.   
  
It hurt most when Abby was with Luka. She was next to him, his arm sturdily around her waist. He wished everything was different, of course. But when he saw her with Luka, something fell out of its place. He hated the way he was with her. He didn't want to say he was jealous of Luka, though; mostly, he just wanted to be the one with his arms around her.  
  
Abby appeared from the lounge, her head just turning around as she left. Her gaze was set in the lounge as she talked back to someone.   
  
Carter saw her hair settling angelically on her shoulders. It was simple, but it worked. He bet himself that her conversation partner was none other than Luka. She was laughing now, lightly, but she was happy enough. In a way, for some reason, he was glad. Not glad for Luka, but at least she was happy.  
  
He won. (Or lost.) It was Luka. With his form suddenly coming out of the lounge, he took his arm to her and pulled her to him. She looked towards the floor as they walked to the desk to stand next to Susan.  
  
He had to push himself to turn away from her smiling face. His glance was brought to the floor, where his dismayed eyes were stinging with feeling.   
  
"Hey, Carter," Susan called as soon as he reached the lounge door. He whirred around to see her smile.  
  
He gave a phony smile towards her, and proceeded into the lounge. It was warm, but he was still cold. As he removed his coat and went to his work uniform, the unanticipated but knowingly due "what if's" had already started to play with his mind. The only question that kept in his head was about Luka, though. Why Luka?  
  
He left the lounge and headed for the desk. He had to make sure that Abby was out of reach from him. She was on the other side, thankfully not near him.   
  
Susan had started a talk with him, but he held up his hand. "One second, Susan." He began towards Luka, just a few feet away.  
  
"Luka, can I talk to you for a second?"  
  
Luka came around, with a confused expression. "What?"  
  
"Can I talk to you for a second?" he repeated.  
  
Luka shrugged silently, leaving his position at the computer. "Sure, what about?"  
  
He shifted uneasily, and looked around. "Actually," she said, "could we go somewhere else."  
  
Luka shrugged again and folded his arms. "Sure."  
  
Carter nodded restlessly. "Exam two."  
  
Luka followed him into the room, as Carter walked ahead. He didn't know what to say, but knew what had to be said. He felt like an idiot, an intruder, but wouldn't let it stand in his way. His life was confusing for some reason at the moment. He had hoped over and over again that -   
  
"What's up?" Luka asked. He towered above Carter, making him slightly nervous.  
  
Carter paused following a sigh. "Abby told me about the two of you."  
  
Luka breathed out now and he scratched the back of his head. He rested his hand on the gurney now. "She did."  
  
Carter nodded. He hated this situation, this moment. "Don't ever hurt her."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Don't hurt her."  
  
"I don't intend to." His face was stern.  
  
"She needs a lot of comfort."  
  
"I know what she needs," Luka fired.  
  
"She's had troubles," he said, tensely.   
  
"I know that she has problems," Luka said. His voice was haunting Carter as he spoke. They kept in silence for another minute, gathering themselves for nothing in particular. Carter could feel Luka's anger in the room. His heart was ready to cry out. The physical pain was near outgrowing the emotional pain.   
  
He'd wanted her for so long. He imagined her in his arms sometimes when she walked past him. Now he had kissed her. He had made love to her, and everything was a million times better than he had imagined it.  
  
"Don't *ever* hurt her, Luka." He looked around the room. "She means everything to me. She's my best friend, Luka." She was his best friend. Besides the awkwardness with the two of them now, she would always be his best friend. He forced himself to stick to that.   
  
Luka nodded in understanding. "She means everything to me as well."  
  
The words, dripping with the Croatian accent, hit him and stung in their place. He nodded now. He felt somewhat dizzy as he spoke again, not knowing why he had chosen these words. "She's beautiful when she's happy. When she smiles."  
  
Luka looked away. Carter didn't know what he was thinking.  
  
"Luka," Abby said quietly. She had heard everything, Carter knew it. She stared hard at him before Luka took her hand. He kissed her, but she obviously didn't give much back. Her head was bowed as soon as he parted from her. He looked at her oddly, but she didn't say anything. Instead, she shuffled uncomfortably from the room. Luka looked back at them. If eyes could hiss, Luka's would have then without a moment's hesitation.  
  
Carter stared directly back at him, despite his knowing of what Luka could do to him. Luka walked out of the room, leaving Carter dumbly staring at his hands as he climbed to the gurney. Before a minute could have passed, Carter looked up to see Abby entering the room. He felt her instantly.  
  
"Carter," she said.  
  
"Yeah," he whispered gently.   
  
"Don't do that," she said, staring off into space.  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"Don't piss Luka off with that protective crap."  
  
"Protective crap?" he stammered. "I'm just watching out for you."  
  
"Has Luka ever done anything to me?"  
  
"Yes," he answered, almost shouting. "He's done some things to you before, I think we all know that, Abby. And he has definitely done some things to a few others. Why are you with him, Abby?" he emphasized the words "why and "him" in a hopeful dare.  
  
She looked at him. Carter swore that he saw doubt in her eyes.  
  
"Because," she said. "I love him, Carter. I love Luka, okay? Doubt it all you want, but my life isn't any of your business. Some friend you've turned out to be." She looked around then turned up, her eyes beginning to mist, and reading anger. "If you care about me, you'd be happy for me."  
  
"Why?" he asked. "I want to be with you."  
  
Abby couldn't look at him. She shivered with something other than cold and left the area.  
  
Carter leaned his head back against the wall. The ceiling glared back at him. His eyes closed and took him away. Daydreaming about anything but Abby would help now. He rubbed one of his arms with another hand in attempt to scare away an itch.  
  
"Carter," Susan said. "Dog bite needs the room."  
  
He diffidently took himself away from the bed and turned to Susan. "Need me?"  
  
"We got it," she smiled.   
He nodded. "Okay."  
  
--  
  
If this fic had any emotion to it, I hope it made you *sad.*   
  
Pray for my spell check, please. ;)  
  
Stay tuned for chapter four, which should be a little different from the last two. I know all this back and forth fighting has to be driving *someone* mad. If not, then it's just me. Which is sad because I'm the one writing it...  
  
Sorry. If I haven't introduced myself, I'm Amanda. I live for television, writing, and making an ass of myself.  
  
-me 


	5. Message in the Morning

Spell check's back! Yay! Lookz lyke I kan finallee rite agen! Yay! ;)  
  
-  
  
"Carter, are you there?"  
  
The device on the nightstand beside Carter awoke him with a start. He groaned, until Abby's voice filtered the early morning air.  
  
"I know your shift starts in an hour, but I was hoping you'd be up and still there."  
  
He rubbed his eyes with a weary hand. Should he pick it up, or should he let it go?  
  
"I want to apologize for yesterday."  
  
He remembered yesterday. It all came back with a bang. His head fell back to the pillow, but he found himself turning towards the machine slightly to catch the rest of her message. He imagined her at her apartment at this very moment, speaking to him as she continued.   
  
"I talked to Luka," she went on, "but I don't think he understands our friendship at all. I hate that he doesn't, you know."  
  
Friendship. What friendship did they have now?  
  
"Look, Carter," she said, "I hate the fact that we aren't close like we used to be. I hate the fact that we aren't better friends."  
  
So did he. He despised it, but still he wanted more. He wanted to be more than friends with her. But if friendship was all he could get with her -  
  
"I want to be your friend."  
  
The words were crying for him. He was her friend. Her best friend, and he would always be, no matter what.  
  
"And, um," she said, "I have something to tell you."  
  
Carter sat up at this and looked around the room nervously for nothing as she proceeded.  
  
"But I really don't want to tell you over a machine."  
  
He nodded invisibly at her remark and started to get dressed.   
  
"I want to meet you somewhere. It's important. Please don't be mad at me."  
  
He froze as she spoke again. He caught himself again and kept up getting dressed. He searched for anything suitable and inspected himself in the mirror.  
  
"If you can, meet me at Doc's today at noon. If not then, just call me or something. Please just come."  
  
I will, Carter thought. What was she going to tell him?   
  
  
"Bye."  
  
The machine clicked. Carter breathed out heavily. In suspense, he asked himself again, What was she going to tell him? It killed him that he couldn't answer his own inquiry, so he again began to prepare for his shift.  
  
By the time he reached the lounge, he found that Abby wasn't even working today. It was near nine, so he thought to ask Kerry if he could take his break at noon. However, he had a hard time reaching Kerry as well.  
  
"Trauma, Carter," Susan interrupted his thoughts as she stormed inside. Carter, still in full outside dress, bounded from the room with a rush. It was the doctor feeling that all doctors had. The rush through their body. He loved it.  
  
The paramedic followed them through with the situation. They came to trauma one and began immediate work. At that moment, Carter was oblivious to everything. He had only this man in front of him to save, and that was it. Nothing else took him away from it.  
  
They were successful. A slight smile escaped from Carter's trouble-felt phase and for an instant nothing else mattered.  
  
Then the message hit him again.  
  
Still wearing a slight grin, Carter searched for Kerry. He spotted her in one of the hallways, talking to a student.  
  
"You are not to burst into traumas like that unless you are with your intended doctor," she stated. "You aren't even on today. Dr. Trip isn't on today."  
  
"I know," the student said, head bowed.  
  
"You are not in charge," she said. "Do something as stupid as that, and you won't get a such easy treatment next time. I am tired of being so lenient with you. We've had a few doctors like you; they're gone now."  
  
The student looked up in quiet horror. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Go home, think things over," she said. "Dr. Trip is on tomorrow. I'll see you then."  
  
He nodded and walked away.  
  
Carter approached her.  
  
"I think I see another Pratt or Benton headed our way," she said.  
  
Carter nodded. "Brace yourselves."  
  
Kerry chuckled, but as always maintained her work face. The stiff smile was always there. "Did you want something?"  
  
"Actually, yes," Carter said. "I know its early, but I wanted to take my break at noon today, if that's okay."  
  
"Sure," she shrugged. "It shouldn't matter. It's been slow lately."  
  
Carter looked up to see Malik come around the corner smiling at him, but then quickly dash away at the sight of Weaver. Carter rolled his eyes to himself and went on.  
  
"Thanks, Dr. Weaver," he said.  
  
She nodded. "Abby?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Is it about Abby?"  
  
Carter tilted his head, breathed out with a shaken laugh and ran a hand through his hair. "A little, yeah."  
  
She smiled stiffly again and nodded. "Good luck."  
  
"What?" he asked in astonishment.  
  
"I've seen her with Luka," she said. "And I've seen her with you. Good Luck."  
  
Carter smiled. "That means a lot, Kerry."  
  
She nodded again and walked away. He stared after her for a bit then took to the admit desk, now filled with another strength, thanks to Kerry.  
  
-   
  
Noon came too quickly for Carter. He nervously rounded the corner outside of the ambulance bay to begin toward Doc Magoo's. The fact that he knew she was waiting for him at that instant crept up and down his spine in disbelief. He wanted to go and see her, but he was frightened of her words. What she would say would be important to them, them together. Her message from this morning had insisted it. He had every reason to be scared.  
  
Or not scared, perhaps. A different thing. Half scared, half hopeful.  
  
He saw her hair first. Her back was to him in a booth. He opened the door and walked inside. Her hands were upon the table, twisting together as she did many times. He wondered again why she was with Luka, who knew nothing about her. Carter knew everything about her and more.  
  
"Abby," he said to himself. He wasn't near the booth. The name just escaped his mouth.  
  
However, she sensed he was there. She turned around, and searched for his form. She found him and smiled.  
  
The smile called him to the table where he sat down. He looked at her, but hoped that his expression wasn't too anticipating.  
  
"What's up?"  
  
"Do you want something to eat?" Abby suggested.  
  
He shook his head. "You want anything?"  
  
Abby said the same, shaking her head in refusal. "I have to tell you something."  
  
Carter stared at her hands. "Yes, I know."  
  
She breathed out. "I didn't want to tell you over the phone."  
  
"What is it?" he breathed. He couldn't breathe.   
  
"John," she said. Her eyes changed then. They started out one way when she said his name, but they changed. Carter didn't know what to do with this.  
  
"What is it, Abby?" he said. "You're starting to scare me."  
  
She lifted herself slightly and settled again. "Well, it isn't easy to say."  
  
"Abby," he said simply.   
  
She looked at him. For a while, their frowns shared a gaze. Everything hazed away as she spoke.  
  
"I'm pregnant, John."   
  
Her head fell, and when it came back up, she bit her lip.  
  
"Is it mine?" Carter asked, his voice a stone.  
  
Abby looked out the window. Her hands covering her face, she sniffed out of site. Out of her hands, her eyes were misty. "Uhm," she stuttered, "No, it's Luka's."  
  
--  
  
Oooooh, suspenseful! Not really, but hang with me, here!  
  
If you haven't already figured this out, basically I don't post a chapter until I get at least one review for the previous chapter. So if anyone actually wants the rest of this, (which I highly doubt) I suggest you review! =)  
  
-me 


	6. Rain in the Alley

Hope you all enjoy. Notice that's "enjoy" not "anjoy."  
  
--  
  
Carter didn't listen the first time. He knew he did, but he wouldn't let himself hear anything she said then.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I don't know what you want me to say - "  
  
"No, seriously," he said, then repeated, "What?"  
  
"It's Luka's," she said, beginning to sob. "I - "  
  
"And you felt you had to tell me this?" he said. Of course she had to tell him this, idiot, he said to himself.   
  
"You're my friend, Carter," she said, not daring to look at him. Her tears were running down her cheeks now and onto her coat. "I'm sorry, I just thought - "  
  
"You know that I'm crazy about you, Abby," he said, "so you choose to rub it in my face? The fact that you're with Luka and now you're starting a family."  
  
"John, please," she said through tears. She was struggling to cover them up.  
  
"Abby," he said, starting to get more emotional, but not coming near tears yet. "God, Abby, why him?"  
  
She shook her head. "I'm sorry John, please. I'm sorry - "  
  
"Sorry about what?" Carter demanded. "Sorry about what? You're enjoying him, aren't you?" He stammered as he said, "Don't you love him?"  
  
She started to cry harder. She got up and left, afraid of the tears revealed to everyone else. She started out the door. He saw her rush away. He felt awful. Beyond awful.  
  
He got up as quickly as he could and ran out of the door. All the while, the same thoughts running through his head. No matter what happened, no matter what she said, he was still crazy about her. She was still his best friend.  
  
"Abby," he called. She didn't stop. She walked harder, so Carter ran faster.   
  
He stormed through a dark alley, as it was beginning to rain again, even worse. Thunder rolled, but his mind numbed it out as he searched for her. She was against a wall, crying into her sleeves. He approached her gently and silently, then taking her arms listened as she spoke.  
  
"He's leaving, Carter," she sobbed on. "He's leaving."  
  
"What?" he asked, "What do you mean?"  
  
She shook her head, looking elsewhere. "He's going back to damn Europe."  
  
"Have you told him, Abby?" he asked, disregarding his feelings from before. "About the - "  
  
"No," she said, "and I don't want to."  
  
"Abby, he has a right to - "  
  
"I don't love him, Carter," she said. "I never have, and I never will. I don't want to, Carter. He doesn't love me either."  
  
She was crying too hard for herself to bear now. She collapsed into the wall beside them again. He grabbed her shoulder and spun her around, sheltering her in his chest. The rain beat down on them in the middle of the alley.  
  
"You love him Abby, you do," he said, trying to be the friend. Trying to be the one to make her happy. He thought he could bring the family back together in that instant. At least make her happy.  
  
"I don't love him," she said. "I don't want to."  
  
She fell back into his coat, her arms encircling his waist. He knew he shouldn't be so selfish, but he couldn't help but shudder in pleasure with the touch of her arms around him again. He held her tight, still in the center of the downpour.  
  
"But you're having a baby now, Abby," he said. "Can't you work something out with him?"  
  
She didn't answer. She cried into him, taking advantage of her comforter. For a while, they sat there until Carter spoke again.  
  
"Why Luka, Abby?" he said, light tears starting from his eyes. He hugged her tighter, closing his eyes when her hair surrounded him. "Why not me?"  
  
She cried on. "God, you're my best, my best friend. I love you, John." She reached up without looking at him. Touching his lips, then his cheek while her face was still buried in his chest. "Too much."  
  
He breathed out, considering the words in disbelief. "I love you." His tears came harder now, not sure if they were still of sorrow, or of a different feeling. "God, Abby. I love you."  
  
She reached up and touched his face again. He closed his eyes and secretly embraced it. He held her hand to his cheek and kissed it. He kissed the top of her head, just barely and cried into it again.  
  
She looked up at him. Carter wanted to kiss her, but he didn't. He wouldn't dare. Not now, if ever.  
  
"Why are you so good to me?" she choked through tears. "After all I've done to you. Why?"  
  
He didn't answer her. Instead he pulled her closer to him and closed his eyes with the feeling of her so close to him. Soon he took her hand and took her from the alley. She willingly followed him, trusting him again, for the first time in a while. She began to let up in her crying, but she still wept. Carter stayed strong, for her. Her sudden gasps of the tears' aftermath brought her closer yet to him.  
  
She wasn't afraid to be close to him. Thankfully, he kept her near, frightened to lose her again. She held on to him so tightly, while they crossed the streets, walked along the sidewalks, and finally up to her home.   
  
"God," she said. "It's almost one. I'm sorry. You must be late getting back."  
  
"They don't need me," he said, grabbing her shoulder. "It's okay if I get back late."  
  
She smiled and shook her head. She reached out shyly and took him into a hug. He was taken by surprise. With his eyes almost wide open, he put his arms around her slowly.   
  
"Will you stay here with me," she stuttered, "...tonight?"  
  
He looked at her.  
  
"Just after work," she said. "If it's not too much... you know..."  
  
"No," he said suddenly. "I mean, no. It's not trouble."  
  
"Really?" she asked, wiping away a few stray tears. "You wouldn't mind?"  
  
He shook his head and whispered, "No. Let me call Kerry, okay?"  
  
She nodded and opened the door. They walked together inside. She shrugged her coat off and let it fall to the floor. He frowned when she wasn't looking. He was scared for her.  
  
He phoned the ER, and when Lydia answered, he asked for Kerry.  
  
"Dr. Carter?" she asked. "Where have you been?"  
  
"Out," he said.  
  
"But your break ended like half an hour ago," she said. "Weaver's gonna be pissed."  
  
He knew she would be. "I know. Lydia, could you just get her on the phone? It's, um, kind of important." He knew to ease the last few words out of Abby's earshot.  
  
"Of course," she said with a smiling tone. He thanked her and waited for Kerry to bound in angrily.  
  
"John?" she said.  
  
"Kerry," he said, "I know I'm late. I'm sorry. It's just," he slowed and began to whisper. "It's just that something came up and I think Abby kind of needs someone right now."  
  
"I understand," she said.  
  
"God, Kerry. Thank you so much," he said with a grin. He wished she could see him. "This means a lot. I promise I'll pick up another weekend shift or something - "  
  
"Don't worry about it Carter," she said. "You're off. I don't want to pry into anything, but did it go as planned?"  
  
Carter didn't feel intruded by this question. Kerry was a good enough friend to share some things with. "Not as I would have planned. But it was something else."  
  
"Something else?"   
  
"You'll see."  
  
He talked to her just a bit more and finished. He walked over to Abby, who quietly accepted his seat next to her. She leaned into his arm and sighed.  
  
"You better get back," she said simply.  
  
"You're stuck with me for today," he said. "Kerry gave me the day off."  
  
They sat in complete silence for a second. They watched for anything else in the room, out the window to bring them to something but nothing happened.  
  
Abby sighed again: "I'm glad."  
  
-  
I hope some of you guys didn't think it was too emotional. I was watching a tape of episodes of "Ground Zero" and "Fathers and Sons." I love that Doug-Carol stuff, too. Still, I'm more of a Carby than anything. ;)  
  
Hope you all enjoyed it. Like I've said before, I've got all of these stories written out, so tell me if you want more. (which I highly doubt...)  
  
I tried to stay away from the ellipses. (the ....'s) I hate using them. :-/  
  
-me 


	7. Baby Talk

I hope that you all are enjoying my fics. I am gonna try and get "Stars Don't Lie" to line up with the rest of these, seeing as it is one chapter behind.   
  
  
  
--  
  
He felt her chest rise and fall. He watched her. He couldn't help it. He loved the way she looked. She really was beautiful.   
  
She was struck with this, now. She was having a baby with Luka. There was nothing he could do about it. Well, to be accurate, she wasn't *having a baby with Luka.* She was having Luka's baby. And, once again, there was nothing he could do about that.   
  
But he would be there for her. Someone would have to be. He wanted to. He didn't want to burst into her life suddenly, but he wanted to be there for her. He wasn't asking to be there for the baby. It wouldn't have upset him, but he would have to be there for her. He owed it to her. And she deserved it. She needed *somebody.*  
  
"God, I'm sorry," she whimpered, rising from her position against his shoulder.  
  
"No, no," he said, smoothing her hair down and bringing her head back down to his arm. "Don't be sorry," he chuckled.  
  
"I need to get up," she said, lifting herself again.  
  
"Why?" he asked. "Pregnant women need their sleep, don't they?"  
  
She looked at him convincingly. "Could you, um," she began, "lay off the baby terms for a while? It's all a little hard to deal with."  
  
He shrugged. "Why?"  
  
"Because," she said. "It just is."  
  
He shrugged, half-heartedly and sighed: "Well, it's gonna be obvious pretty soon." He smiled as he said this, but it wasn't easy. The difficult part wasn't evident, but it still wasn't easy. "How far along?"  
  
"A few weeks," she said shakily. "Seriously, John, just leave it alone, okay?"  
  
"Abby, its your baby," he said with a suggestive voice.  
  
"John, I had an abortion," she said quietly.  
  
There was silence again. The silence that had held them out so many times. So many times had they been in suspense with one another. It lasted for as long as whenever. He didn't know. He didn't know what to say.   
  
"What?"  
  
"Not recently," she assured him.  
  
"When?"  
  
She put her hands in her face. "When I was married to Richard."  
  
He shook his head. "Why?"  
  
She laughed, but it wasn't a laugh. "I was scared. Of it being sick."  
  
"Like your mom?"  
  
"Yeah," she said. She looked up at him. "And I didn't want to have a baby with Richard." One tear fell down her cheek, but she was quick to take it away. He took her hand, though, stopping her.  
  
"It's okay, Abby," he said. She looked down. "You're not going to forget that, you know."  
  
She took his hand with both of hers. She was still staring at the intricate design of the couch cushions.  
  
"But," he said, "in nine months, you're not going to be so afraid when you're holding this baby." He patted her stomach. "I'm not a father, I don't know what it feels like." He watched her eyes lie there, still paralyzed for a moment. "But I heard it's not too bad."  
  
She looked up. "John," she said. "This baby doesn't have a dad. This baby barely has a mom - "  
  
"This baby has a wonderful mom," Carter said. He held her face in his hands and stroked her cheeks with his thumbs. "You're going to be a great mom," he continued, "I know it."  
  
Another single tear left her eye and fell down her cheek. She leaned forward and hugged him.   
  
"I'll be there for you, too," he said. "If you ever need anything," now taking her and pulling her in front of him. "I'll help you. Don't ever hesitate, please - "  
  
She nodded with a smile. It was a rare smile. "Thank you," she said simply.  
  
He watched her eyes search his. They always did. It was their only way of communicating when both of them were at a loss for words.   
  
"Can we talk about this baby now?"  
  
"Do you want to?" Abby laughed.  
  
He nodded. "Babies are okay," he said. "Not exactly my specialty, but you know - "  
  
"You're great with kids," she said, sniffling as she recovered from her small fit.  
  
He shrugged modestly. "I don't know." He looked at her again.  
  
"You think I should find out if it's a boy or a girl?"  
  
"It's a little early for that, isn't it?" he giggled.  
  
"Not yet," she said. "But when the time comes, do you think I should?"  
  
He cocked his head and sighed. "Either side has their advantages."  
  
She threw her head back. "Answer like a human, Carter. For once."  
  
"I mean that!"  
  
"Oh, okay," she said, a little sarcastically. "What's the advantage to not know?"  
  
"It's a surprise."  
  
"Isn't it enough of a surprise when you get to see what it looks like for the first time?"  
  
"I don't know," he said with a grin. He found himself a little excited all of a sudden.  
  
"Okay," she gave in. "What's the advantage for knowing?"  
  
"You know whether to buy boy or girl baby stuff," he answered matter-of-factly. "Like toys, clothes, you know."  
  
"Well thank you for stating the obvious," she said. She sat against him, until he wrapped his arms around her.  
  
It was an inborn move. He didn't know if it was wise. She was sensitive at the moment. He immediately regretted it, and almost apologized. But she pulled them closer to her.  
  
"Thank you," she said. "I needed that."  
  
He smiled and kissed the top of her head.  
  
"I needed that, too." Her head leaned slightly into his upper arm.  
  
"You've already helped me through half of it."  
  
"I doubt I did really anything, Abby," he said. But she squeezed his arm gently.  
  
"You have."  
  
"What's the other half?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know," she said. "Morning sickness, and then labor, I guess."  
  
"If you want I can help you through that, too."  
  
She turned toward him and looked at him. Her eyes met his. He felt immediate to break the stare. But he couldn't. He wouldn't.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
--  
  
Hope it wasn't like all weird and, well, generic and soapy (as in soap operas...)   
  
Someone asked about disappearing reviews. I think it was Em. No offense, but what are you talking about? I'm probably just reading them and I'm all "Ooh! They like me!" (I don't really say that... don't freak...) but I just check in to see if anyone is barfing or something.  
  
-me 


	8. Strawberry and Chocolate

"What's the other half?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know," she said. "Morning sickness, and then labor, I guess."  
  
"If you want," he spoke slowly, "I can help you through that, too."  
  
She turned toward him, slightly startled by his words. Her eyes met his. He felt immediate to break the stare. He couldn't. He wouldn't.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
-  
  
"I mean," he said, tracing one of her fingers with his, "I-I don't know, Abby."  
  
She looked at him.  
  
"Move in with me, I don't know," he said. "Let me help you through this. I want to help you through it all."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because no one else is," he answered.  
  
"Carter - "  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I don't need that." She got up and moved to the kitchen.  
  
Carter put his head in his hands. He spoke without thinking, and it hadn't gotten him where it always had. Somewhere bad.  
  
"Abby," he said. "Soon you're going to need some extra help."  
  
"I think I'll manage," she said, reaching into the freezer. She pulled out a carton of ice cream, then a spoon. "Want some?"  
  
He thought about it. "Yeah," he said.  
  
This lightened the mood some, and she smiled. She grabbed a spoon from the drawer. It slid shut and she walked back over to the couch. Sitting down next to him and handing him the silverware, she said, "Can we not talk about this baby for a while?"  
  
He nodded. "Sure," he said. He dipped the spoon into the soft contents and savored the cold.  
  
"But," she said, "it's good to know I have a real friend I can rely on."  
  
He watched her bottom lip quiver with shyness as she fumbled with her spoon in front of her. She looked up at him, leaned over and kissed his cheek. "Thanks."  
  
He nodded and bent to kiss her cheek as well. "You're welcome."  
  
She shook her head. "Sometimes I wonder," she said, "why there aren't more guys like you in the world." She smiled down to the ice cream.  
  
He was still watching her bottom lips as she talked. "Would you date the other guys like me?"  
  
"Easily," she giggled.  
  
He looked around uneasily. "Then why aren't we together?"  
  
A hundred thoughts, a million were running through his head. He randomly chose one. Basically, however, they were the entire same genre. Her head lifted and sighed, her eyes closing. Carter wasn't this patient all the time. In fact, he would only stand for a minute before collapsing into a bunch of questions and the stubborn Carter phase. But this time, he almost regretted asking her. He felt like he was intruding. He was kind of uncomfortable now. He felt selfish and rude. He wanted to help her.  
  
"I don't know," she said. Her eyes, trying to bound out of the mood, were cast on anything but Carter's face.  
  
He felt awful yet again, and went to bring the mood up again. "Do we have anymore ice cream?" He dumbly searched the bottom of the container. "Look, we ate it all."  
  
She smiled at his attempt. She recognized it in an instant. "We gotta go get some more."  
  
"Now?"  
  
"Unless you want something like peanut butter sandwiches for dinner," she said with a giggle.  
  
His heart melted. He tried to keep it not so palpable. "Only the best," he suggested. "I take it you aren't up for going out?"   
  
"Not really." She shook her head. "Sorry."  
  
"Sorry for what?" he laughed. "Come on, we're going to go for a walk," he said, picking her up. He put her coat around her helpfully.  
  
"I appreciate this, John," she said laughingly, "but you know that I'm just a few weeks pregnant. I'm not fat yet."  
  
"Don't call it fat."  
  
"What do you want me to call it?"  
  
He shrugged. "Round?"  
  
"That's the polite term for 'fat and bubbly,'" she said allowing him to take her hand.  
  
"Call it fat then," he said. "See if I care."  
  
She slapped his chest playfully. "Let's go get some ice cream."  
  
"What kind were we eating before?"  
  
"That chocolate strawberry stuff?"  
  
"Yeah," he answered with a twisted smile.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because we're not getting that."  
  
"I thought it was good," she said with a laugh.  
  
"Just wait until you get the cravings," he said, "you know for the weird stuff."  
  
She giggled again. "Yeah, for like pickles and frosting or something?"  
  
He nodded. "That was always a big part of like 'my dream' type thing."  
  
" 'Your dream?' "  
  
He reasoned with his head, tilting it back and forth as they eased into out of the building into a slightly colder air. "You know; you imagine your family in a few years."  
  
She nodded. "What was yours?"  
  
He smiled. "I had four kids. Two boys, two girls."  
  
"So generic," Abby laughed.  
  
"Hey, it gets better," he said with another grin. "During the first pregnancy, my wife would be sending me all over the place to get all this crazy stuff for her. You know, the cravings."  
  
She sighed. "I never had 'the dream,'" she said. They paused again. "Will you tell me the rest of it?"  
  
He nodded reluctantly. "It's a little embarrassing. I've never told anyone about this before."  
  
She stuck out her lower lip and nodded. "If you don't want to, you don't have to," she said with an explaining smile.   
  
Here goes, Carter said to himself.  
  
--  
Oh, it's 'the dream!'  
  
I know, I know! It's incredibly cheeserific! (Great word...) Come on, don't make fun! Someone has to deliver some cheese, so it might as well be me.  
  
No, really, you guys have been so great with reviews. It makes me feel (so loved!) really great. Thanks for all the support! I look forward to continue posting here. =)  
  
There's a lot more to this one, as well as my others. Give me the green light if you're enjoying it! (And well, the red light if you've had enough.)  
  
There's a short chapter in which he tells Abby about 'the dream.' It's barely a chapter, but if anyone wants me to post it, let me know. It'll be posted as a regular here. If no one says anything I'll go ahead and do it.  
  
Here's a small spoiler thing: Be ready for big happenings within the next few chapters. It might take a while to be posted, and by that I mean that it won't be, like, chapter nine or ten.  
  
-me 


	9. The Dream

Here's the dream. Told by Carter, this will cheese-ridden fic all its own. It won't be as long as my others; usually I try to make them at least three or four pages long. It's not all that great, but here it goes.  
  
--  
  
Here goes, though Carter.  
  
"Well," he said. "I've always wanted four kids like I said."  
  
Abby nodded, sitting down on the couch. He joined her. She smiled, and it encouraged him to go on. He had never told anyone of this, and basically he was ashamed of it. It was a thing he had planned it since he was a teenager. It was a silly thing, really.   
  
"I've never told anyone about this before," he said, "and I don't know if I really feel, you know - "  
  
"Carter," she said gently. "I'm not gonna laugh at you." She smiled again and eased back into the cushions of the sofa. She raised her eyebrows, signally for him to continue.  
  
"Okay," he said. "Okay, fine."  
  
She brought her legs up to her chest and awaited the rest of his story.  
  
"I want four kids. Two boys, two girls," he began. "I want to live in a nice home, but I don't want to leave Chicago, you know? It's like my home already. It's a little dirty, sure, but its home."  
  
She nodded.  
  
"I want my wife to be someone I care about, someone I love - "  
  
"Well," she said with a laugh, "I would hope so."  
  
"Yeah," he chuckled. "And I would want her to understand how I work."  
  
"As a doctor? Or as a person?"  
  
"Well," he said, "I was going to say as a person, but I would hope she wouldn't be arguable with my job schedule and all."  
  
She nodded again and sat her chin upon her knees.  
  
"I want a place with a big backyard," he said, staring off into nowhere, as if imagining it already. "I want a sprinkler in the yard, one of those that you just hook up to a hose. And all of our kids will just run around it in the summer time to stay cool."  
  
The look in her eyes was longing for him to tell more. He was sure he was blushing with all of this, but he still felt content around Abby. It was a weird thing to keep inside without telling anyone, but it had finally come. And he was glad it came to Abby.  
  
"And, little Emma," he said with a laugh. "She's our youngest. She wears the little water wings that you'd normally wear in a pool."  
  
Abby laughed a little. "What are the rest of their names?"  
  
Carter nodded, eagerly continuing. "The oldest is John. There's Matthew, and then there's my other daughter, Lucy."  
  
"Lucy?" she whispered, watching his look as it shifted, but remarkably didn't find himself hurt.  
  
"Yeah," he said. "I owe something to her. I never loved her. We weren't that involved, but she showed me something."  
  
She nodded. "Go on."  
  
He knew she was bringing him slowly to the rest of the story. She understood that it was still a sensitive thing. But she was also surprised to see him talk of it so strongly, he knew it.  
  
"And at night, my wife and I would get them all rounded in front of the - "  
  
"Oh please don't say you'd read to them every night, John."  
  
"No," he giggled. "That's too Brady Bunch or something for me."  
  
"Oh," she laughed. "Well, then sorry for interrupting. Continue."  
  
He nodded. He smiled at her and said, "We'd all get in front of the television and watch reruns of all the old shows. Like the ones that are on TV now."  
  
"Sweet," she said. "It's cute."  
  
"And then whenever one of my children would be scared of the thunder and lightning," he said, "they'd run to my wife and I in our bed." He smiled at the thought. "But, when John was old enough to deal with it, they'd all want to be with him."  
  
Abby's eyes read something else now.  
  
"And all of my kids would be like best friends," he said, "just like Bobby and I were. And sometimes, when they didn't want to admit they were scared, they'd come to me and my wife. Just to be on the safe side."  
  
"Oh, Carter," Abby said with a tender smile.  
  
"Breakfast, lunch, and dinner would always be hectic," he said with another smile into space, "and the nights when they're born will be long. But at night, when my wife and I finally settle down in bed, we'd know it was all worth it. So worth it, that we'd go through everything over again if it meant ending up in the same place."  
  
Abby was left to stare at him with another smile. Her eyes showed something mild, but again, he was lost. At least he had her smile.  
  
"And that's about it," he said.  
  
"Oh, my God, John," she said. "I need a dream." She laughed and put a hand on his arm. "Whoever ends up with you, is the luckiest woman..."  
  
She said this as if she would continue with "on earth" or "ever" or something else completely cliche, but she just stopped. She took her hand off of his arm, and used it to strengthen the strap of her purse on her shoulder.  
  
"Let's go get some ice cream."  
  
Her words hit him, but he knew it was still an awkward situation. What was she supposed to say? He didn't mind the way she had acted, and let it be. He picked her up by her hand and together they walked out the door.  
  
--  
  
Cheesy, cheesy, cheeeees-aaay! Wow, it's 5:20 in the morning. Cheese in the morning, cheese in the evening. Boy, do I have issues!  
  
Now we can get on with the actual story. I guess its a good thing I put this [cheesy] chapter in. This way the readers can get the [cheesy] idea of my [cheesy] fic. By that I mean they would get a picture of what is really going on in my [cheesy] character's head.  
  
-[cheesy]me 


	10. the Fourth Day

It was the fifth day that he had been with Abby, in her home. Both of them had neglected the fact that Carter was indeed living with her. She had asked him to stay the night for the first three days, then on the fourth day, it changed.  
  
--  
  
"It's too cold," she complained. Her head was turned toward the window, watching as the scenic flakes floated through the air, and finally past her window to where she couldn't see.   
  
"You're from Minnesota," he reasoned with a gentle smile. He approached her with the beverage she had requested. Within the last four days, all she was drinking was hot chocolate and ice-cold water. He grinned as she accepted the cup from his hands. The warm left instantly, and to make up for the loss, he stuck his hands casually into his pockets. "I suspected you'd be used to this."  
  
She nodded, her head still against the glass. Her cheeks were red, with the heat of the apartment. She smiled again. "Just gets boring."  
  
He took her calm tone from her voice and decided to sit down opposite of her. The chair, just parallel from hers, was stiff as he sank into it. He positioned himself to turn toward the window as well. She was right; it was too cold.   
  
She tugged on the collar of her sweater and sighed. She looked toward the mug in her hands, nestling easily. "Thanks," she murmured lightly, sipping it to herself. She looked up at him, to which he delivered a warm smile. Her eyes were smiling, so her face gradually joined the dance.  
  
The apartment was eerily silent. Not in the shame of it being too closed, but rather too open. Neither of them wanted to talk, Carter knew, because they might spoil the moment. It seemed as if it truly was endless. He didn't want it to end, no matter how much he wanted everything to work out for them one day.  
  
Thinking to himself seriously for the first time in a while, he finally understood an unspoken question. Was there any hope for them now that she was having a baby? Luka's baby? How he wished he could turn back time. Anything to reverse the unfortunate spell that had changed his life.   
  
He watched her stare out the window and knew that things would never be the same again. Whether it was in a negative or positive way, he didn't know. But how could things get better from here? No matter what, even if they did end up together, remnants of Luka still stuck. He didn't want to refer to the baby as a "remnant," but he knew Abby would.  
  
No doubt, Abby would make the picture-perfect mother. She cared for kids like no one he'd ever known. Carter, himself, loved children as well. In a way, he believed it was because of the childhood he'd been through; he owed it to every child on earth. Especially, his own. His four kids. From John, Jr. to Emma. He chuckled at himself in his head, and folded his hands in his lap.  
  
She sighed to herself, causing him to look up from his stupor. He was suddenly aware of the genre of his thoughts. He'd never known that he'd thought about Abby so. Or as much. He could only watch her now, reflecting upon recent thoughts. He felt everything for her right now.  
  
But is lips remained sealed.  
  
What would he say to her? She was involved now, with someone else: her baby. It was completely changed. John and Abby would never be, he told himself.  
  
But, another part was screaming out to him. And it totally negated a previous statement. Instead, this side told him there was every chance for him to believe in them. To believe in the "us" again.  
  
"What are you thinking about?" Abby inquired, noticing his affectionate stare her way.  
  
Awakened, he sat with an open mouth, stuttering until he closed it in resolution. He shook his head with his trademark smile. "Nothing. Why?"  
  
She looked away and shrugged. She propped her elbows on the arm of the chair, piled on hand on top of the other, and placed her chin as a final of the heap. She turned her eyes to him and watched him for a while.   
  
He stared back at her. It was yet another gaze for them to get lost in. And that they did.  
  
For a few seconds, their eyes were locked. Everything was forgotten, remarkably: the baby, the tension, Luka. There was nothing more important than that moment then. And to Carter, possibly ever.  
  
Times like these were the worst for him, usually. But in light of recent pondering, he found it even harder to avoid her face. He longed to reach out and touch it, gracefully and lovingly. Like the first night.  
  
That day. It flooded back to him. The day they'd been together in her room. The pleasure, the passion, the feeling.  
  
Then the pain. The roar of it in his ears when he felt her words sting against him. It was the worst. Worse than anything, ever...  
  
But, it was in the past. The past hurt. And normally, you could look to the future for good things. But only half of him could do that now. It wasn't the same as it might've been, had there not been a baby in the picture.  
  
He suddenly told himself to stop.  
  
He looked up at her small form in the chair opposite of his. What was he doing? This was a baby, not an accidental bomb. Sure, it wasn't intentional. And maybe in some ways it was a bombshell. But, it wasn't a misfortune. It was a baby. A beautiful baby. It was Abby's baby.  
  
And maybe, in a way, it was Luka's baby as well. But, he didn't care to focus on this half of his story. It was Abby's baby. His best friend's child. He would be an uncle, in a way.  
  
"Abby," he said, interrupting the thick tranquility.   
  
She looked over to him, rotating only her eyes. Her expression stayed the same, but it acknowledged his question for her attention.  
  
In that instant, everything felt as if it mattered. Everything with Abby. He'd be there for her; it wasn't a time for him to be selfish. It was a time for him to be *there* for *her.* He couldn't care about himself like he had been. She was everything to him; whether she knew it or not didn't matter right now. Whether she knew how he felt didn't matter.  
  
"Will I be the baby's uncle?"   
  
He asked it with a gentle smile, and expected her to giggle in that adorable way.   
  
But instead, she turned away and stood. She picked up the mug near the windowsill where it had been for a while.  
  
He watched in confusion as she sauntered toward the kitchen. Clearly, she was distracted as she rummaged around the small room. He leaned over to catch her frowning toward the counter. She froze against it. Did she know that he could see her?  
  
She threw the handle to the left to bring the sink full of hot water. She began to dump dishes into the basin, lazily throwing in a bit of soap. After scrubbing like mad, with steam lifting around her from the project in her hands. She set each of the newly cleaned dishes into the rack next to the sink and dabbed her hands on a towel sitting on the side.  
  
He sat back, taking her out of view for a second. She was still walking around the kitchen; he could hear her slow, unsure steps from the living room. He sighed lightly, careful to not let her hear him. With a sweep of his hand, he smoothed the hair on the back of his head.   
  
Frustration brought his hand up yet again, and then to the bridge of his nose. With a steady hand, he rubbed it madly. Collapsing into the safety of his hands, he tried to think the rest of the night away, and perhaps if he was successful, he could take away the past.  
  
"Yeah," Abby said, from the corner of the hallway before walking away. "That makes you the uncle, John." Her face was a deep frown, cast to the comfort of the floor. She turned abruptly and left before saying anything else.  
  
He smiled at what she had said. He was an uncle.  
  
But her attitude about it. What was wrong? Again, the question arose. Something was wrong, he was more sure than he had ever been. The frown she wore said it all.   
  
But nothing was meant to be said. She was tired, and vulnerable. She was upset over something. Her situation wasn't an easy one.  
  
Before he had a chance to look down, her voice came again, lifting his head.  
  
"And you might want to bring some clothes over," she remarked. With a trembling hand, she tucked a stray lock of her hair behind her ear. Her face was still loosely hanging toward the ground. As she turned away, she added. "You've been wearing pretty much the same thing for four days."  
  
--  
  
That had been yesterday.  
  
There hadn't been anything else to talk about. And there hadn't been much conversation since that day. She frowned a lot now, hung her head to the ground. He wanted to reach out and help her, but how could he?  
  
--  
  
The next chapter's called "A Date With Luka." If any of you review, try and speculate. Guess what's gonna happen ;)  
  
-me 


	11. a Date With Luka

When he awoke, the sun was shining. It was a change form the last few days.   
  
His mind flew back to the day before. There had been a lot of ice cream. Tons. He had carried her to her room when she fell asleep. He kissed her head, as he had been doing a lot lately, and let her go. Really, he did kiss her because she meant so much to him. At first, he thought this being Luka's baby would bring some kind of anger or some crazed form of hate onto either her or Luka.   
  
Really, he could never hate Abby. No matter what he said, nothing would ever be true in that sense. He knew it would never be. But he felt something for Luka. Whether it was hate, or a strong disliking, he didn't want anything to do with Luka as long as he lived. He didn't want Luka to have anything to do with Abby, neither.  
  
Abby had chosen to stay home that day. It was Luka's second to last day in the hospital and everyone was selling their best wishes. Everyone except Carter. He had asked Abby if he could perhaps confront him, but she had insisted he didn't. He knew her condition emotionally was a bit critical, and he didn't intend on pushing it too far. He gave her his vow not to say anything about the issue to Luka.  
  
"Are we throwing Kovac a party or anything?" Lydia asked Haleh.  
  
"I don't know," Haleh answered, her eyes focused intently on the computer. "Do we still do that?"  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"The party thing?"  
  
"I got married here," she joked.  
  
"How long ago was that?" Haleh said with a laugh.  
  
Lydia shrugged. "Do you think we should give him a party for going away?"  
  
"No one ever gave Greene one," Romano said, passing by in full scrubs.  
  
"Well, that's uncalled for," Haleh said, shrugging it off with a groan.  
  
"Dr. Carter," Lily said, "do you think there's a surprise bash-type thing going on for Kovac?"  
  
Carter began, but Chuny interrupted him, "Like Carter would know. He wouldn't even want to be invited."  
  
Carter smiled. It was the truth, in a way, but he didn't add to Chuny's comment. He just shook his head a little differently from anything and walked off to gather a chart in Haleh's hands. Malik patted his back.   
  
"You're free, man," he said. "Abby's yours."  
  
"I like her better with you anyway," Chuny said with a smile.  
  
"Are you saying that Carter can't have Abby over Luka or something - "  
  
"Hey," Carter called into the conversation. "Could you stop, stop with all of this?"  
  
They all watched him. The entire desk stood, looking at him with a waiting glance.  
  
"Did you notice that Abby's not here today?" he asked. "And the fact that Abby's a person, and not a piece of something that there's a war over to own?"  
  
"Carter," Malik said.  
  
"Just stay out of everything for once, please," Carter said. "You don't really know her, me, or Luka anyhow."  
  
He hadn't stuck up for Luka. But in a way, he knew that he wasn't all terrible. Ninety-nine percent, perhaps, but he was still a good guy. Somewhere.  
  
He had started out of the lobby area and into the lounge. He collapsed onto the couch after throwing the door open and storming across the room. The comfort of his palms weren't enough.  
  
Abby was having a baby that wasn't his. Everyone in the ER seemed to think that Carter was less than Luka. But even more, everyone thought that Carter was "winning" in some way because Luka was leaving. Like he had had an advancement in points and finally claimed victory.  
  
The door glided to an entrance, bringing Luka inside. His scent filled the room instantly, and it didn't take anyone to bring their head up to know that it was Luka. He slid next to Carter on the couch, much to his surprise, and began to speak. Slowly at first, then picking up speed and a bit of volume.  
  
"I take it you're glad that I'm leaving," he said.  
  
Carter didn't look up at this. He didn't move.  
  
"It was a rotten thing, Carter," he said. "I'm glad I'm leaving, too."  
  
"Dr. Kovac," he said, "I don't want to have any hard feelings about anything." He didn't know what he had done to make Luka upset. He was the one who had angered Carter. Right?  
  
"I loved her," he said.  
  
No you didn't, he wanted to say, and she doesn't love you either. But he refrained almost uneasily, knowing that Abby had to come first here.  
  
"Then why aren't you staying?"  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"She needs you right now and you're leaving, Luka!" he shouted, rising from his seat.  
  
"Why should I stay?" he demanded, remaining in his seat.  
  
Carter couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You aren't serious, are you?"  
  
"You ruined everything."  
  
" *I* ruined everything?" he said, holding a finger to his chest. He reversed it towards Luka and cried, "You ruined her!"  
  
He threw down his coat, which he had already begun to take off. He smacked Carter's hand out of the way and pointed his at him. " *You* ruined any chance of her and I together."  
  
"You did that!" he screamed. "Not me! You bastard. Why is this about you? You never cared!"  
  
"Believe me," he said. "I cared."  
  
"Like hell you did, Luka!" His finger returned to his face. Luka went to hit it again, preparing to shout back, but he took his hand. "No, I don't think so. Not this time."  
  
"This time?" he asked, standing up. "This time?"  
  
"Come on," he said, motioning for him to come towards him. "Beat the hell outta me. Kill your problems with your fist once again."  
  
Luka's lips were pursed together. He was angry. "You hated me because I was with Abby."  
  
He shook his head. "I never hated you until you hurt her."  
  
"I'd never hurt her," he said.  
  
"Because you're the calm and sensitive one?"  
  
Luka threw a punch at his face. It hit him square in his nose, knocking him slightly out of the way. Carter's hands were drawn to it immediately, holding it in effort to shield the pain. Glass shattered behind him, but his eyes were squeezed shut in another attempt to scare the pain away.  
  
"Son of a bitch," Carter yelled.  
  
Luka beat his face once more, knocking him to his back. His head fell to the side, to the point where his eyesight was narrowed, allowing him to see just Luka's feet stomping out the door in rage.  
  
"Luka?" someone called.   
  
Glass was around his face. Blood was on the floor, wet on his shirt. He felt pain in his side and on his face.  
  
"Oh, my God," a voice said above him. "Someone get in here!"  
  
"Carter?" another voice sounded. This one was a male, unlike the other's.  
  
The feet were around him now. The lights flickered, and finally drew to a black.  
  
-  
  
There it is. A "date with Luka." I hope they're not too out of characters; I've only been watching ER for about four or five months, and I've never watched it religiously. I've been crazy about it since Lockdown, however, and I *will* start watching it faithfully this year.   
  
-me 


	12. of Everything Else

"Oh, my God," a voice said above him. "Someone get in here!"  
  
"Carter?" another voice sounded. This one was a male, unlike the other's.  
  
The feet were around him now. The lights flickered and finally drew to a black.  
  
-  
  
"John?"   
  
The voice was the first thing he'd heard in a while. It was the only thing he had heard in a while. But it seemed like forever. The last thing he'd felt was hitting the ground.   
  
"Dr. Carter?"  
  
His eyes were forced open. He did it against his will, eager for something. That, too, was unknown.  
  
"Oh, my God," he said, looking around the room.  
  
"No, man," the voice said. "It's Romano. Not God."  
  
"Where's Abby?" he asked, attempting to sit up straight while ignoring Romano's remark. Something struck his side and he fell backward muttering a "damn it," and holding his side. Romano eased him back into the pillows propped up behind him with a level hand.  
  
"Abby?"  
  
"Yeah," he said, still wincing at the pain.  
  
"Are you delirious or something, doctor?" He put a hand to Carter's head, but Carter hastily knocked it away. He searched the room as much as he was able from the bed.  
  
"Where is she?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Abby!" he said. His voice had grown strangely angry.  
  
"Dr. Carter," Romano said, "are you aware that you were punched in the nose twice, (it's broken) and that you were kicked in the side? By the way, your rib is broken."  
  
"What?" Carter said. "Is Abby okay?"  
  
"Abby?" Romano said. "Cute nurse downstairs in the ER who - "  
  
"Yes, yes!" Carter said, frustrated. "Where is she?"  
  
"I don't know," he said.   
  
"She hurt?"  
  
"No," he said, "he didn't get her. Did-was she in there with you? Did Kovac get her too?"  
  
"No," he said surely. "No, she wasn't there."  
  
"Want me to call her?"  
  
Carter nodded eagerly. "Can I call her?"  
  
"I'd rather you didn't get up," Romano reasoned, leaving the room. "Be right back."  
  
Carter was found in silence now. His eyes still searched for Abby, trying to trace any possible clue in the room to her. He counted his fingers dumbly, then traced a few cuts on his hand. Only one of them was stitched shut, the others weren't too deep. He guessed they were from the glass, but didn't remember it.  
  
"She's not home," Romano said, suddenly returning.  
  
He fell back into the pillows harder. "Find her, please, Robert - "  
  
In mid-word, he saw Romano turn his head outside of the door. He held his hand up and called out to someone. He didn't want to be bedridden now; he wanted to get out and take a walk in the cold. He wanted to take a walk with Abby, too. Even if it was around the OR hallways.  
  
"Here's someone for you, Carter," Romano said. "Enjoy."   
  
He turned, not amused. The door slowly opened, and he saw Abby. She pushed the door open and smiled at him. Her coat was hung over her arm as she walked in, now crossing the arm over the other. Neither of them said anything, just smiled. Carter's grin was more of something happy, whilst Abby's was completely for comforting purposes.   
  
"What did you do now, John?" she said simply with a bit of sarcasm. She sat down in the chair next to the bed and put a hand on her arm.  
  
"You're okay," he said, taking her face in her hands.   
  
"Of course I'm okay," she said. "John, look at you! Luka broke your rib and your nose - "  
  
"My nose?" he asked.   
  
"Just a displacement here," she said. She lifted her hand and touched it tenderly. "Oh, sorry. Does that hurt?"  
  
He shook his head, but couldn't say anything. Her finger was still on his face. He wanted it to stay there, but she pulled it to her lap. Her hands were twisting anxiously, as usual.  
  
"John, what were you thinking?"  
  
"He came over to me and just started saying a bunch of crap," he said. "Told me I ruined everything between the two of you."  
  
She nodded, breathing out. She shifted, but didn't say anything. Careful to let her eyes wander, she held them to his stare.  
  
"What is he talking about, ruining things?" he asked carelessly. "He's the one who's choosing to move away. Asshole."  
  
She bit her lip and nodded. "I told you not to say anything to him, John."  
  
"I didn't, though," he fought calmly. "He just burst into the lounge. I swear Abby; I told myself to stay away from him that day. When was that?"  
  
She stared at him. "It was today, John. Promise me you didn't start this?"  
  
"You don't believe me?"  
  
"I do," she assured him, nodding. "Just tell me that you didn't throw the first punch or anything."  
  
"I didn't hit him at all."  
  
She nodded, then finally admitted a real smile. "I was scared. Your shift was over at noon, and when you didn't come home I freaked out."  
  
He watched her talk.  
  
"I'm glad you're okay," she said honestly. She reached up and kissed his forehead. "I really am."  
  
"Always nice to hear," he said with a nod. "Thanks. I'm glad I'm okay too."  
  
She smiled again, now half-surely. He barely managed one back, and again they sat in silence.   
  
"You're thinking about something," he said.  
  
She looked at him, questioning this sudden accusation. "What?" she asked.  
  
He nodded. "What are you thinking?"  
  
"Um," she began. Her voice was quivery, giving away at different intervals. "Well," she started again.  
  
He took her hand and held it, without thinking about it. Kind of like an instinct, kind of like a wanting for him. "What is it?" he asked, stroking her hand without looking at her.  
  
She contemplated this, you could tell by the way she breathed. "Never mind," she giggled. The giggle was the same nervous one that she had taken on recently many times. His face asked hers something, but she disregarded it. "Look," she said, "Romano said that you're out of here tomorrow."  
  
"Already?"  
  
"Only if you promise to stay in bed, and you can't go back to work for while."  
  
"How boring," he answered.  
  
"Beats this lonely hospital bed," she said, placing her hands on the rails.   
  
"I don't know about that," he said. "At least here, nurses pass by every once in a while and bring you lunch."  
  
"I'm taking time off work," she said with a smile. "I'll be that nurse for you."  
  
He squeezed her hand. "Why do you need time off of work, Abby?"  
  
"I just want some time to myself before it starts becoming, well," she paused, "obvious to everyone. Plus, I'm gonna have to tell Weaver so I can get some scheduled maternity leave, and some time off before the baby is born to puke up my insides."  
  
"Let me tell her," he said.   
  
"What difference does it make?"  
  
"I don't know," he said. "I don't really know why I even offered now that I think about it - "  
  
"Could we do it together?" she asked.   
  
"Why would you want me to be there?"  
  
"Because, John," she said. Her eyes fell to the ground and stayed there for an instant. Her hands were still covering the other, twisting them raw. "I'm scared, okay?"  
  
"Of Weaver?" he laughed.  
  
"No," she hushed, "of everything else."  
  
His laughter and smiles eased down to a comforting glance. "Come here," he said, taking her to his arms again. She began to choke on a few tears. Carter closed his eyes and breathed in her scent against her neck lovingly. He wanted to do something to lighten her load. Anything.  
  
"Abby," he said. "Let me know if there's something, *anything* I can do. I'll do it."  
  
She looked at him for an instant. Her eyes were pleading for something again, and he wished he knew what it was.  
  
"You've done enough already," she laughed through tears.   
  
"I don't care what I've already done," he said. He hugged her tighter. "I'll be there, with you."  
  
She smiled into his shoulder. He felt her face against his and wanted to smile with her. But, he couldn't. He knew that she could barely smile. She could barely be at peace with herself right now, and therefore he wasn't able to. He wish he could just make it all go away. The feelings toward the situation. So Abby would be happy.  
  
"Just be there with me when I go to Weaver," she asked. "Please, John."  
  
"Of course," he said. "I'll be there."  
  
--  
There you go. What'd ya think?  
  
-me 


	13. War and Peace

"John?" she called from the living room.  
  
"What?" he called back, staring at a magazine absent-mindedly. He was sharing no interest in it, as he had been showing no interest in anything lately. Being stuck in a bed all day would get boring. He had only been home for five minutes.  
  
"You aren't hungry or anything are you?"  
  
"No thanks," he answered tightly. He looked up, and threw the magazine to the side. "Shouldn't I be the one running around to help you?"  
  
"I'm not running around," she said straightly. Her voice was still covered in frustration. Of what, he wouldn't know.  
  
"You busy?" he asked, wanting her to be near him again.  
  
"No," she said. "I suppose you want me in there again."  
  
"Again?" He couldn't help the smile creep across his face. Their flirting, or so he thought it was, was never ignored, but never acted upon. Did that make any sense?  
  
"Alright," she said, entering the room. "I'm here. Bore me."  
  
He patted his hand next to him on the bed. She sighed with a smile and sat near him as he requested. She leaned into the comfort of the pillows as they sat in silence, another thing one of them anonymously desired.  
  
The feeling between them when they were in the midst of quiet was indescribable.   
  
"You aren't in here just because I'm sick are you?" he laughed.  
  
"I'd stay with my friend," she said with a smile. Again they were stuck in the quiet mode. She bent forward to give him a small peck on his forehead. He saw her coming toward her fast and closed his eyes to welcome whatever she had in mind. Her lips were cool against his skin, but warm at the same time.  
  
"I'm going to get something to drink," she said. "Do you want anything?"  
  
He was still mesmerized by her touch. His eyes were on her lips, and he thought she could see it. Her fingers lifted uncomfortably to her lips, where she touched them gently whilst turning away from him.   
  
At a loss, he replied, "Water, please."  
  
She nodded with a meager smile and was out of the room. He felt lonely, but accompanied at once. His hand was resting on the bed. It had been next to her when she was there. Now it was alone.   
  
He could hear the sound of her rummaging through the cabinets for glasses. Then the sound of the sink rushing. She was back with two glasses, one for he and one for herself.   
  
"Here," she said. "Cold enough? I'll add some more ice if you want me to."  
  
"It's fine, thanks," he said with a cool smile. He reached up and smoothed some hair behind her ears. "Why are you so tense lately?"  
  
She looked at him, as if she was questioning this. She shrugged with an anxious laugh. "Isn't it obvious?"  
  
He shook his head. "No," he said. "I want you to tell me all that's going wrong."  
  
She smiled, but her head darted to the left to hide something. "Um," she sighed, "I don't know what you mean."  
  
"Come on, Abby," he whispered gently, "I'm not that stupid."  
  
She shook her head and clasped her hands together after setting the glass of water between her knees. "Just the baby," she said looking down.  
  
"That's not it," he said. "What's really going on?"  
  
She got up. "Nothing, okay?" She began out the room, but stopped at the door with a hand on the frame. "I wish you'd stop trying to be Dr. Fix-It, Carter."  
  
"What?" he shouted, but she was already out of the room and it didn't look as if she'd be coming back in to talk. Her bedroom door closed to a quiet shut down the hall. He collapsed back into the pillows again. Wincing when he attempted to change positions, he cried out. "Damn," he muttered. He held his side. The pain was unbearable. He touched it again. "Damn," he repeated, louder.  
  
"Don't do that, John," she said suddenly, appearing at his side.  
  
"Bastard," he said.  
  
Abby stood back. "Excuse me?"  
  
"Not you," he said. "I blame Luka for all of this."  
  
"Who else would you blame?" she asked, taking his waist gently and turning him onto his back. He groaned, sighed and looked up at her face, which was now very close to his.  
  
"Myself," he said.   
  
She stuttered. "Are we still talking about the rib and nose thing?"  
  
He shook his head against the dark. Her face was coming closer, to pull his up and watch it. He blinked, then closed his eyes. "No, I don't think so."  
  
She swallowed. Even with his eyes closed, Carter heard her. His eyes opened at the sound of it and found themselves staring directly into hers. Without looking down, he felt her hand pulling away from him. "Then what are you getting at, Carter?"  
  
He shook his head in his palms. He brought one of her hands up to his cheek and rested it there. She looked nervous, but in a way, he felt the feeling drain from her in an instant at their touch. She shuddered with a heavy sigh and quickly wrapped her arms around him. He closed his eyes again and did the same. Hooked into a tearful embrace, neither spoke for a few minutes. Her arms were around his waist, tenderly as not to arouse any pain. And his arms were around her waist as well, stroking her back. He couldn't get enough of the moment. He was still surprised by her sudden move, but didn't let that emotion through the gate as much as the others.  
  
"What about us?" he said.  
  
She didn't pull away, as he thought she might. He got off lucky. "Us?" she said, her breath against his neck. He wanted to kiss her, then and there. But he didn't at the same time. He didn't want to ruin what they already had, and yet he wanted to take the leap and make it something more, because he knew it would work.  
  
But she was so fragile. She was warm against him. Her hair was falling lazily around her neck, and some had gathered in front of Carter's face. He breathed in her scent and kissed her head. He soon regretted it, seeing as that action might not fit their situation.  
  
"Yeah," he said. "Is there not an 'us' anymore?"  
  
She gave him a squeeze on the shoulder. "Things are hard for me now," she said with a sigh. "You, Luka, the-the baby."  
  
He nodded, rubbing her back again. "So, you don't see us?"  
  
She pulled away and looked at him, startled. "I'm going to have a baby, John. I don't think there's much of an 'us' if it includes me with anybody."  
  
"What difference does a baby make?" he asked, his hands around her waist. Thankfully, hers were still there.  
  
"A big one," she answered with an unstable nod. "Especially between you and I, John."  
  
He shook his head, not knowing how to answer any of that. He looked at her semi-understandingly, while the other half looked to shrug it off for the moment. "Hug me again," he said, his eyes darting around the bedspread. The demand was stupid.  
  
"I was going to," she said. He looked up, but there wasn't a smile on her face. Instead she had her eyes closed. She came toward him and hugged him tighter, but cautiously. "I hate this."  
  
"What?" he whispered against her again. His eyes were closed as well now, taking in everything he could of her. If things couldn't be the way he wanted them to be, then he would breathe in every memory of her and keep it with him.  
  
"I hate the way things turn out," she said. She was crying now, but too quietly.   
  
"Don't, Abby," he said. "Why would you?"  
  
"There's more than you think," she said. She sat up and lifted her arms to his shoulders.  
  
"Then why don't you tell me?" he asked.  
  
"No," she said quickly, then corrected herself in a more relaxed tone. "No, at least not now."  
  
He was confused. He watched her shoulder shudder with each breath she released. "You aren't drinking again, are you?"  
  
He felt her tense up at the sound of it. "God, no." There was another huffy laugh, but they quickly settled down.  
  
"I didn't think so," he said. And he really hadn't.  
  
--  
  
Dramatic, isn't it?  
  
Or, maybe I can't write drama... lol 


	14. Just Wait

Four months had passed now, and Abby was carrying around a little protrusion. It was funny and cute, the way she expertly knew what to do. Probably so much experience in the OB, he guessed. She had been careful with what she ate, with what she did. She lightened her load, but never too much to interfere with her job.  
  
The desk hadn't been so curious, to his surprise. Well, at least not to their faces. He had Susan watching for any betting going on. So far, her reports were all negative.  
  
Nothing was going between him and Abby. He didn't figure they would. But he didn't let himself care, because he understood what she had to do first: find herself. No matter how dramatic, or how TV-cliche that sounded, it was completely true. And if it wasn't herself that she was trying to find, then there was definitely something else in the way. And she would have to plow through that and make it known before Carter became anything more to her.  
  
They were at home the night it happened. Carter and Abby hadn't fully established that Carter was staying with Abby, but he was. After his injuries from Luka let up, he began sleeping in the extra bed. Every once in a while, Abby would come in to his room in slight tears and want to be near him. He never turned her down, of course, and always brought his arms around her.  
  
She would never tell him what was wrong, but she didn't need to in Carter's eyes. Her head was always hung against his chest in the same way. The tears were warm, and he could feel every one of them, piercing him with every unfortunate emotion Abby had left.  
  
He wanted to pull her away and ask her what was wrong. He wanted to make it all go away for her, and make her better. That, though, was one thing he couldn't cure at the moment.  
  
"Are you going to find out if it's a boy or a girl?" he asked. He sipped some more of the steaming liquid from his mug and put it down. He stirred it slightly with the spoon, watching the small marshmallows inside begin to drain away.  
  
She smiled. "I think I want to," she said. She looked down at her own drink and sighed. "Then I can call it a 'he' or a 'she,' for sure without calling it 'it,'" she said.  
  
He nodded. "That's a good reason," he answered. "Easier to pick baby names then. Have your eyes on any yet?"  
  
She shook her head. "Not really," she said. "It's going to be hard, though. I always hated my name that my mother gave me."  
  
"You hate your name?" he asked with a chuckle.  
  
She nodded with her own laugh. "Listen to it: Abby. Or Abigail. They're such child-baby names."  
  
"I love that name."  
  
She pushed him away with a hand on his chest. "Ha," she said. "I'm going to get some more marshmallows."  
  
He smiled. "Yeah, okay."  
  
He watched her push herself from the seat next to him on the couch to her feet. She made her way to the kitchen, Carter's eyes following her until she turned around. When her eyes threw themselves to the living room, Carter's head darted to the drink in front of him again.  
  
"Want some?" she gestured.  
  
He shook his head, still not looking at her.  
  
"Is something wrong?" she ventured, walking back to their spot on the couch.  
  
"What?" he asked, looking at her. She curled some hair behind her ears and wrapped both of her hands around the mug. "Something wrong with *me?*"  
  
She placed her cup down on the coaster on the coffee table. "What do you mean by that?"  
  
"Why do you say there's something wrong with me?"  
  
She shook her head, looking elsewhere. "I just asked as your friend, John, I didn't mean anything by it." She looked at him. "You've been shut lately, I just - "  
  
"Me?" he tossed. "I've been *shut* lately, have I? How about you, Abby?"  
  
"Carter," she said, "don't get pissed. I know I've been different lately, but you should be used to behavior that's been going on for - what - four months now."  
  
"How have I been different lately?" he asked. "What have I done to make you think - "  
  
"Forget it," she said, shrugging it away. "Excuse me for trying to be a friend, or something. I'm sorry."  
  
He watched her head become bent towards the cushions, then over to the kitchen.  
  
"I thought," she said, "I don't know what I thought. I was trying to watch out for you. You've done it for me. Repayment, I guess. I don't know."  
  
"I don't think I need repayment," he rushed, standing up. "Repayment. Is that even a word?" His voice was louder.   
  
"Yes, it's a word," she said smartly, watching him. "I know something's wrong, but you don't have to tell me, John. You never push it out of me, I won't push it out of you."  
  
"So there is something wrong?" Carter asked, pointing to her. "What is it, then? And why can't you tell me? Or do you just sing it all over phone to Luka or something?"  
  
"What the hell, John," she said. "Why do you *always* drag Luka into this?"  
  
"What's wrong, then, Abby?" he asked, his arms across his chest. "Why can't you tell me? Are we just not, I don't know, good enough friends or - "  
  
"Come on, John," she said.  
  
"Come on, Abby," he said, slightly correcting her on her name rather than his. "Why don't you dig yourself a hole out of that crap you're in and come to realize that everyone who's wanted to help you is always waiting on you? Waiting for you to recognize what the hell is going on in that head of yours? We're not asking a lot. I'm not asking a lot. I'm trying to be your friend, your *best* friend now and you can't even tell me what it is - "  
  
"Are you finished yet?" she stammered. "I think I've had enough, John. Do you do this for fun?"  
  
"How about your little hobby?" he said, his voice still rising in volume. "You just keep us here, Abby, waiting."  
  
"I heard, John," she said strongly. "Your speech is over." She put her hands over her face. "Will you just leave me alone, John, please? If you care to know what's going on then - " she stood up, "you'll wait for me to know when the time is right to tell you."  
  
"The time is right?" he said. "Would you just sit down and stop walking away?"  
  
"I'm not a quitter," she said. "I'm not suicidal, life-full-of-trouble Abby for you to keep an eye on, okay? Stop using this 'running away' situation on me all the time."  
  
"Why not?" he asked. "It's all true, isn't it - "  
  
She sat down on the couch, her eyes on her stomach.  
  
"Finally giving in, there?"  
  
"John," she said.  
  
"My speech *is* over," he said. "Good night." He began to walk away in a hurry, but Abby yanked on his arm, bringing him to her side. He stared at her.  
  
She brought his arm to her stomach. "He's kicking," she said with a smile. "You feel that?"  
  
He shook his head. "No," he frowned. "No, I don't." He started up, but Abby wouldn't let go.  
  
"Right here," she said. "Feel it?"  
  
They waited for a second. Carter breathed out in frustration. "I'm going to bed," he said, but she still wouldn't let up on her hold of his arm.  
  
"Here," she said proudly. Her face met his with a smile. "Just wait; it'll come."  
  
He did wait. He didn't know if he wanted to. Luka should be here, right? Should he voice his opinion? "Luka should be the one doing this, not me, Abby. It's wrong - " but he was stopped short when he felt it. A smile crept across his face, wanting more. "I felt that!"  
  
She giggled. "Me too."  
  
"That's the baby in there," he said. "Oh, my God, Abby." There was a shot of electricity through him. It was something with this baby. He felt something.  
  
She nodded. "I know."  
  
He pressed his hand on her stomach again. "But I shouldn't have felt it," he said. He reluctantly drew his hand away. "I don't want to be the one to feel it. It should be the baby's dad."  
  
She took his hand back. "I think you deserve it more than he ever will," she whispered. It was a romantic whisper, and he should have leaned in to kiss her. But, again, he wouldn't.  
  
"Waiting has it's advantages, I guess."  
  
"It does," she smiled. "Sometimes, it does."  
  
She looked at him, then shifted her glance to their hands on her stomach. He joined her, staring at the two of their hands. They were an inch apart, and that was too far away.  
  
--  
  
Aww, look at the little people Cliché Kingdom!  
  
Someone mentioned the fact that Luka didn't seem in character. I appreciate, and understand your comment. (please don't think I am upset with it.) I think, or I hope, that you'll think differently with the future of the storyline, as the Carter-Abby-Luka comes up again. Luka's behavior might come more into contrast then.  
  
Hope you're all enjoying my fics. Still a ways for this one to go. Next chapter's the start of something huge, and by huge, I mean pretty damn big.  
  
But, remember, it won't take the same effect as it might if someone older wrote it. Give the fourteen-year-old a chance, *please!*  
  
***  
  
Hope you are enjoying these. Its kind of cool when older people read my stuff and take the time to review, tell me about it and all. Thanks so much to all of you! ;)  
  
-kelly ross- 


	15. Incoming

No word from Luka. He was gone. He'd totally disappeared from Abby's life. He wondered if that was what was bothering her lately. Maybe she really did love Luka. He was bothered by this fact, obviously, but there were worse things to take into consideration.   
  
The fact that Abby would be left unhappy, for instance.  
  
He was sitting at the admit desk at County when the idea came to him. He was still bothered by Luka, as always, but didn't let it stand in his way of anything he knew he should do.  
  
"Carter," Kerry called, rounding the corner into Chairs. "We have three MVAs on the way. One DOA."  
  
"Can you get someone else?" Carter asked, tossing the donut he had been munching on into the trash near his feet. He took a strong thumb and wiped the frosting from his lips, then dusted his hands on his upper legs. "I have to be somewhere now."  
  
"Should have told me earlier," Kerry replied, coming near the desk now readying to answer a phone. "We barely have enough to cover two traumas."  
  
"Are you sure?" he asked, making his way over to her before she picked up the receiver. "I really need to do something - "  
  
"Come on, Carter," she said. "This should only take twenty minutes if it goes smoothly."  
  
He grunted against his hand, out of her earshot. She had already been conversing with the party on the other line. He made his way to the lounge, to quickly change into scrubs. He didn't know why the decision had crossed his mind. Was a doctor more "doctorly" in scrubs? He'd always figured so.  
  
Throwing the stethoscope, the all-too common tool, around his neck again, he made his way to the front of the lounge again. He turned as he adjusted the collar of his shirt to his comfort and saw Abby's name printed on the door of her locker. He smiled to himself as he stepped out of the door.  
  
"MVAs, Carter," Susan said. "You ready?"  
  
"Yeah," he said. "Let's go."  
  
She nodded with a smile. "How's Abby?"  
  
He looked down at her hands as she slipped him a pair of gloves. He mumbled a 'thanks' and continued. "Medically speaking, she's fine."  
  
"Medically speaking?" Susan raised her eyebrow.  
  
He pulled on the second glove expertly. Was it part of being a doctor? One of the many talents, perhaps. Pulling on gloves quickly. "Yeah. Otherwise, I'm not so sure."  
  
Susan's eyes didn't dare meet his as they fell to the ground. Carter sensed her care to listen at once and followed it.   
  
"I wish she wouldn't be so distant," he said, recognizing the same feeling that had rushed through his heart and mind every time he was around Abby. "I mean, she's my best friend. I don't know why she can't tell me what's wrong."  
  
Susan nodded. "You think its something serious?"  
  
"Could it be?" Carter asked, his face meeting hers. His eyes were deepened to a frown.  
  
"Calm down," she assured. "I'm just saying it might be. Have you talked to Luka?"  
  
"Luka doesn't talk, he assaults," he said, upset.  
  
"But he wouldn't do that to Abby," she pointed out. "Because he loved her."  
  
"How would you know that?"  
  
"Everyone knows that Luka loves Abby and Carter loves Abby." She looked up at him with a smirk.  
  
"Susan," he said, seriously, "do you think Luka could have really done something to her?"  
  
She shrugged, setting aside her previous point. "It just doesn't seem like something he would do - "  
  
"Why wouldn't he?" Carter said firmly. "He was upset because they broke up. She probably didn't even tell him that she was having his baby. I don't know what part I played in this, but he was also pissed at me."  
  
"So," Susan said, piecing things together, "he's just upset that he isn't with her. He wanted to go out with a bang or something at the end of his stay in Chicago." She paused. "Why would he do that, though?"  
  
"Because he's always been jealous of Abby and I together."  
  
"But you've never been together," she corrected him.  
  
"Yes," he said, "but there was always the possibility before, and he knew it. After they broke up." The thought stung him. There *had* been a possibility -   
  
"Right," she reasoned. "So, you think he would just go after Abby then?"  
  
He shrugged now. "I don't know."  
  
They stood in silence outside for a minute. Carter hadn't even noticed their walking toward the ambulance bay until they were standing on the pavement.   
  
"You think he raped her?"  
  
Carter didn't hesitate to turn abruptly to her. His face was dimmed with a stinging frown as he questioned her with his eyes. Anger from out of nowhere ran through his veins and took control of his body, sending his conscience into a bitter state unknown.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Carter," she said gently, "I'm just suggesting. It might be something."  
  
It could be something, he thought. That was what had been wrong with her! How could he have missed it?  
  
"Do you think?"  
  
"She's never been more damaged, Carter, according to you." She crossed her arms. "Is she bad?"  
  
"Never seen her this bad," he stated, now turning to the ground for comfort. Comfort that he would never find, to be honest. Invisible serenity, if at all possible. "He raped her."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I knew it," he said, through his teeth. "He hurt her, he *raped* her, and he ruined her with this. Bastard!" He screamed this and kicked the ground.   
  
"Whoa, Carter, you don't know anything - "  
  
"What else could it be?" he asked, staring at her. "What else, Susan? The son of a bitch went and ruined everything that could have ever happened between us, but more importantly, he killed her Susan. He *killed* her!"  
  
"Carter, please - "  
  
The ambulance rolled into the bay, finally. The familiar shouts and sirens grew amongst the two and a few of the other staff as they raced to help. Their usual job.  
  
Carter was still lost.  
  
"He did it," he said, repeating his thoughts to himself. He shouted them aloud, causing everyone around him to flinch. He started to pull of his gloves. Just as quickly.  
  
"What are you doing, Carter?" Susan shouted over the noise. "We need you! Where are you going?"  
  
"Away from here," he said.  
  
"Carter," she said again, "you can't be sure of anything."  
  
He stopped in his tracks. She was right, maybe. Perhaps he couldn't be sure. Reluctantly, he would set this concept aside. Painfully, but he could manage for a while.  
  
"You're right," he said. "But I still have to leave."  
  
"Damn it Carter!" Susan shouted again, before turning into the ER .  
  
He shot down the street. He ignored everything in those minutes. The sweat, the pain, the strain. His feet his the pavement with such force, he could barely feel them anymore. He didn't care, though, as he threw his head back and gritted his teeth together and only ran faster.  
  
Dark haired man standing against the wall.  
  
Carter stopped.  
  
As soon as he saw him, they shared their showdown stares. Again.  
  
"Luka," he said. "I thought you were leaving."  
  
"Carter," Luka said, not taking the time to pull the newspaper away from his face.  
  
Pathetic, Carter thought.  
  
"What do you want?" Luka asked, bringing a danish to his mouth.  
  
"I have a few questions to ask you," he said.  
  
"No time." Luka went on, treating himself to more of the danish.  
  
"I think you do," Carter said, pulling the newspaper down a bit to see his face as he came closer.  
  
"Do you really want to mess with me, Carter?"  
  
"Are you trying to scare me?"  
  
Luka's lips were formed into a straight impression. "What in the hell do you want?"  
  
Carter sighed and ran a hand through the back of his hair. "Abby's not the same."  
  
"What do you mean?" he asked, bringing the paper back up. "Of course she isn't."  
  
"Did you rape her?"  
  
The question was sudden, and it hit Luka. He saw his face go tightly pale and then redden with anger.   
  
"What kind of a question is that?" he stormed. He threw down the paper with the danish curled inside. "You think I would do that to her? I am not the damn devil, Carter. The only person I want to hurt here is you - "  
  
"She's dead!" he screamed. "What you did to her killed her! She doesn't talk to me, and when she does, its nothing! She doesn't want to smile. She barely accepts a hug from me."  
  
"Leave her alone, then," he said. He pushed Carter against the wall that he had been against. "Stay away from her."  
  
"So you can go back to her?" he said, with a phony smile. It disappeared as he shoved Luka away furiously. "She needs me, and I need her. She's depending on me now. If anyone."  
  
Luka didn't say anything. He was still upset, breathing heavily.  
  
"I thought maybe you were what she needed," he said. "But I guess I was wrong."  
  
"Screw you, Carter!" he shouted as Carter turned to walk away.  
  
"Good day, Dr. Kovac." 


	16. Unfortunate and Unknown

Some more sweet stuff. We have had a break from that, lately, haven't we?  
  
--  
  
He looked straight down his body as he lay in bed. The covers fell upon everything but his feet. They were standing directly upward, pale and almost silver in the dark. Another night without sleep.   
  
He turned around to face the nightstand. He knew it wasn't the smartest thing to do; hoping to fall asleep while staring at an alarm clock wasn't easy. But he didn't have the energy, or the motivation, to turn back around.  
  
Something next to him weighed the bed down, just barely. He already knew what it was.  
  
"Sleepless again?"  
  
"Yeah," she answered. "Do you mind if I - "  
  
"Nope," he answered. "Its nice to have you here sometimes."  
  
He looked over to her. She was facing him, her eyes closed.  
  
"I wanted to tell you something," she said with a smile. Her eyes were still shut, and she had him taken by surprise for a moment.   
  
"What is it?" he whispered. He pushed a curl out of her face and brought his hand back to scratch his head.  
  
"I'm four months in now," she said. "I made an appointment with Coburn in the OB. I'm going to find out if the baby's a boy or a girl." She looked down, blushing with pride.  
  
"Really?" he said. He found himself the tiniest bit excited. "Wow, that's great, Abby."  
  
She nodded. Finally, she opened her eyes, snuggling closer to the pillow she rested on. "Do you want to come with me?"  
  
He watched her eyes ask him, first. His mouth fell open. "Oh, Abby, I don't know."  
  
Her smile swayed for a second. "Why?"  
  
"That's not fair to Luka," he said. "Its not fair for you."  
  
"Fair for me?"  
  
"I'm just the tag-a-long friend, Abby," he said. "I hate that I'm in the way of all of this stuff that you should be enjoying."  
  
She shook her head with a laugh. "I wouldn't have asked you if I really didn't want you to come, John. I would rather you be there than anyone else."  
  
"That's not true," he chuckled.  
  
"Believe me," she said. "It is."  
  
He stared at her intently and nodded. "You really mean that? You want me to go?"  
  
She nodded with an anxious smile. "Yes. Yes, I do."  
  
He put his hands over his face. "Are you sure?"  
  
"Yeah, John," she laughed.  
  
He nodded again. "Okay, then. I'd be happy to go."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Well, yeah," he answered.  
  
"Thank you, John," she said. She edged closer to him and put her arms around him. He moved to do the same as soon as she came to him. "Thank you."  
  
He kissed the top of her head. It was near his face, and it never ceased to please him. He closed his eyes. "I like it when you're happy."  
  
"When I'm happy?" she asked against his shirt.  
  
"Yeah," he said. He didn't want to go any farther. He wanted her to finish it this time. Was that selfish? he thought to himself.  
  
"I know I've been different," she said. "I am so sorry."  
  
"Don't be," he said, kissing her head. "I just wish you would tell me what's wrong, Abby."  
  
She shook her head. "I will. I can't right now."  
  
He, for once, respected this. "Okay."  
  
She hugged him tighter. "You're my best friend, John."  
  
He didn't know why she was being so affectionate. Not that he found it disturbing, or annoying or anything. Nonetheless, he hugged her back as well. "And you're mine." Kissing her head again, he rubbed her back until he felt her breaths slow to slumber. He didn't dare let go of her. It would be too much.  
  
And at the same time, by letting her go, he'd be without enough. So, embracing the other, they fell to sleep. He wished he could take every burden from her shoulders, every saddening feel away, every unfortunate and unknown memory she had that he might never know.  
  
--  
  
So very, very short.  
  
I hate having Abby so angsty, but isn't the angst part of the Abby package?  
  
Tons of spoilers now. Thanks sooo much to angelpixiedust.com!  
  
-me 


	17. For a Moment

Part two. Last part was short, but this one was five pages long and I wanted to divide it in half. I added a little more so it wouldn't be *so* short, but it kind of came out the same anyway...  
  
I used "Tilly Boss" here. I was going to use my alias name, Kelly Ross, but I altered it a little. Ha.  
  
--  
  
"Carter," Susan shouted from trauma one. "Carter, are you busy?"  
  
"I'm on break in five minutes, Susan," he said, checking charts in front of him. "Nothing can interfere with that next five minutes that might make me late."  
  
"Late for what?" she called across the lobby.   
  
"Something," he said. "Can't be in a trauma. Sorry."  
  
She rolled her eyes and went back to the room. He smiled to himself and threw the charts into a small pile.  
  
"Hey," Chuny said as he began to walk away from the desk. "You said in five minutes!"  
  
"I'm done with charts aren't I?" he asked.  
  
"Get back over here!" Haleh commanded, playfully. "There's some more charts, then, Dr. Carter!"  
  
"Augh," he whined, with his head tilted back. "Fine, give me something to do."  
  
"Tilly Boss, thirteen-year-old with a broken arm. Just discharge her and you're done."  
  
He looked over the chart and signed a few things here in there, called for Lydia to finish anything with the patient and smiled at Chuny and Haleh as he smartly through the chart beside him to the pile already made.  
  
"See you," he said with a smile, and walked to the elevator. Something crawled inside him. He already was having second thoughts about going to see Abby in the OB. Not only did he feel it wasn't his place, he didn't like knowing that the baby wasn't his. He felt awkward celebrating and feeling glad when he shouldn't be.  
  
But maybe this didn't have to be about him. It was about Abby.  
  
She wanted him to be there. She'd told him. She'd insisted, hadn't she?  
  
The door swung open and he stepped aside as a few people departed from the chamber. He smiled smugly as they left and walked inside. Standing anxiously in the center, the doors shut, leaving him alone. However, the panels were suddenly forced open.  
  
"Sorry," a woman said. She smiled funnily, her red, ratty hair showering around her shoulders. "My name is Barbie."  
  
He smiled. The doors closed again and he was left to his thoughts. What would they do once the baby was born? Would he leave? Would she want him to stay?  
  
Of course not. The baby needed its father. And that he was not.  
  
"Wow," the woman suddenly said. "Are you a doctor?"  
  
He looked at her oddly. "Uh, yeah. I'm a doctor."  
  
"That's so cool!" she shouted. He jumped at her volume and nodded uncomfortably. "Do you have to take things out of someone's ass and stuff?"  
  
His head shot around to her face. He pushed his eyebrows down by their own and looked at her. "If necessary," he said without interest. He turned away again.  
  
"Why are you on your way to the OB?"  
  
Just then the door open. Gratefully, he left immediately. He sped down the hall to the receptionist, asked for Abby's exam room, and arrived there in less than a minute.  
  
"Dr. Carter," the nurse greeted him. She stood in an empty room.  
  
"Hi," he said, looking around. "Where's Abby?"  
  
"Miss Lockhart is changing into a gown."  
  
He nodded in understanding and sat down just as Abby came through the bathroom door.  
  
"Hey, John," she said with a smile.  
  
"Hey."  
  
"Why don't you just have a seat up here," she said, patting the table, "and I'll send Dr. Codburn in to see you."  
  
"Thank you," Carter and Abby said, as Carter helped Abby onto the surface.   
  
The nurse smiled again and shut the door behind her.  
  
"Excited?" Carter asked, finishing his assistance.  
  
Her hands on his shoulders, she replied, "Yeah. I'm going to have a daughter or a son. It's kind of big."  
  
He nodded as she finally sat up. "Yes, it is." He looked away and then back to her. "I'm happy for you, Abby. No matter what it looks like to you, I'm happy."  
  
She looked down and bit her lip. He stared at her, not knowing what was wrong once again.  
  
"Hello, Abby, Dr. Carter," Dr. Coburn said with a smile. "So, you wanna know if you're having a boy or a girl, then?"  
  
She nodded. "I have to find out," she said with a small chuckle.   
  
Dr. Coburn made her way around the table with the same grin and prepared some of the equipment behind her. "Lay back here, dear."  
  
She slowly fell back to the sheet beneath her, with more help from Carter. He found himself so cautious around her, protecting her. She didn't protest his efforts, to his appreciation.  
  
Dr. Coburn readied Abby for the procedure, and finally asked Carter to turn off the lights. He switched them off and stared at the switch for a second.  
  
He was happy here, he realized. He wanted to see the baby. It felt different.  
  
"Here we go," Dr. Coburn said. "Right here, let's wait for it to turn around."  
  
Carter walked over in amazement to Abby's side. She took his hand without looking away from the screen. Carter squeezed her hand, and she did back.  
  
"Oh, my God," Carter whispered.  
  
"I know," Abby said, quietly the same, with a smile. Carter's smile slowly spread across his face.  
  
"Hey, look here," Dr. Coburn said.  
  
The two of them leaned in closer.   
  
"You're having a boy."  
  
Abby laughed and put a hand over her mouth. "Really?"  
  
"Really," Dr. Coburn said cheerfully. "Congratulations, you two."  
  
"Oh," Carter said, separating himself from his moment of sparking. "We're, we're not together."  
  
Abby squeezed his hand again. He didn't know what to make of it, but he didn't want to ruin the moment for her.  
  
Dr. Coburn smiled and said, "I'll leave you two alone for a moment."  
  
"Thank you," he said.  
  
"You're having a boy, Abby."  
  
She nodded. Carter bent down and kissed her forehead.   
  
"Congratulations." 


	18. Keeping Me Up

He awoke again, as the mattress fell with her weight. His eyes opened slowly, to see the red numbers glaring at him again.   
  
Eleven-thirty, P.M.  
  
He put a hand over his face, swept downward and breathed out.  
  
"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to wake you up."  
  
"I've been awake," he lied. "Its okay." He closed his eyes. "Have you slept yet?"  
  
"Yes," she whispered. "He's keeping me up. The baby, I mean." She chuckled lightly and shifted.  
  
"Really?" he asked, laughing quietly as well. He turned around in the bed to see her with her eyes shut, too.   
  
"Yeah," she replied.   
  
Silence again. The entire apartment was silent. There was the faint song of traffic, and the L outside. He took it all in, resting his head deeper into the pillow. He sighed, a little louder than before. His hand was too warm, for his taste, against his face. It was all too warm again in the apartment. It was him being so nervous, so anxious, he knew. It wasn't really the heat.  
  
She breathed slowly. The last nine months had been rocky. They'd been difficult. Everything had gone, though, as he had imagined it would have been. Abby was having a healthy baby boy soon. He was expected in two weeks. He didn't know what would become of the two of them when that time came.  
  
He sighed again. She was sleeping, he thought. He hoped she was. He wished everything were different. He wished that she were happy. A mother should enjoy what Abby was going through right now; but she had fretted about it for the whole duration of the pregnancy. Or at least she had been such a closed out person. There was something wrong, and she hadn't told him.   
  
He hadn't bugged her, or been such a pest as he had previously. But it made him wonder even more: what was going on? He hoped so badly that she would just come out, and confide in him. He wanted to help her. Hug her and tell her everything would be just fine. But the worst of this was that he didn't know if it would.  
  
He would be there if she needed him, no doubt. Would he move out after the baby was born? He wanted to help her. But how far could he go? She was damaged, figuratively speaking. Unfortunately, he probably didn't have a say in her condition. But she was different than she had ever been.  
  
But was it because of the baby? Or the secret she refused to divulge?  
  
If only she would just tell him. He hated guessing. He hated hoping for her.   
  
He stared at her, finding that she was asleep, at last. Everyday, for the past two weeks, she had been creeping into his bed. Most of the time, he would awake. And if not, he awoke to her in the morning. If he did wake up, sometimes he would talk to her. Sometimes he wouldn't.  
  
He didn't know why.   
  
He would whisper to her about anything he could talk to her about. The weather, County, baby names, the water heater. Sometimes she wasn't even awake when he would talk to her. He felt odd at first, but it was just right to him.  
  
She stirred again in her sleep, causing him to glance at her, protectively. He had become increasingly cautious with her, around her. He walked next to her to County everyday, and accompanied her on her breaks each day at her request. He locked up the apartment every night, checking twice. Sometimes three times.   
  
He put his arm around her, and watched. He waited for her to change positions again, but she didn't. When he was sure she was awake, he put his head into her shoulder.  
  
He breathed every inch of her heart to himself. He hated being this selfish. He worried about her. He wondered if she would be okay. He didn't like it when he couldn't see her. He was scared when he couldn't see her. He didn't know what was happening to her. If anything was happening to her.  
  
He kissed her shoulder. He despised the situation, really. He wanted to be near this baby, and yet he didn't. He wanted to be near this woman next to him. He always would. But, yet, he didn't. He didn't want to hurt her, and he didn't want to suffer himself.  
  
But it couldn't be about him. He had never felt this way. He didn't know how he was supposed to feel in these circumstances.   
  
"John."  
  
He shook himself from the state he had been captured by and spoke to her. "Yes?"  
  
She turned her head against his arm and lay her face into it. She snuggled up to him closer.  
  
"Don't let go."  
  
He didn't have time to think any further of this. He didn't think at all. He held her tighter, without a spoken reply and kissed the top of her head. Why he had been so affectionate toward her, and she toward he, was unknown.  
  
Everything came down to moments, now. Everything. He didn't know exactly what it meant by that, but it was there. The reason to stay with her.  
  
The reason to be with her through everything. The reason to lay his life on the line at her call. He would give her anything.   
  
It disturbed him, literally, to see her in these states. He would stare at the ceiling and pray. He prayed that the fate of Abby and her baby would be a good one. He'd thought about her more than ever in the last nine months.  
  
Why? was the one question he had asked. The one overriding question.   
  
Why was it happening? Why was she so closed? Why was this baby Luka's, and not his?  
  
And then he knew that it was going to be completely different now. Everything. He'd known before that it wouldn't be the same.   
  
But something else had entered his mind.  
  
Abby had a son. And Carter wouldn't get to be there.  
  
Everything would be different. Nothing would be the same.   
  
--  
  
Shorter, I know. But its gotta be shorter if the thoughts running through one's troubled mind are so complex, and well, indescribable. They're confusing.  
  
Chapter 20 is when it all begins.  
  
What does "it all begins" mean, exactly?  
  
-me 


	19. Time For Change

"You aren't hungry?" he asked, as he stepped inside the door. "Or did you already eat?"  
  
"I was waiting for you," she said with a smile. "Want to go get something?"  
  
He shrugged. "You up for it?"  
  
"Up for it?" she laughed, raising her eyebrows. "Do I look like a whale to you or something? I can walk. I can ride in a vehicle."  
  
He chuckled to himself, tossing the keys to the table. He removed his coat and threw it to the chair. Sitting down next to her, he said, "Just didn't know if you felt like leaving or ordering in."  
  
She shrugged, now, and sighed. "Whatever. You pick."  
  
"Let's go out," he said. No thinking. "My treat. Get ready."  
  
"Okay," she agreed, lifting herself from the couch. He went to help her, but she pulled her hand away with a giggle. "I'm not a whale."  
  
"I know you aren't," he said. "Just trying to help you."  
  
She smiled. "I know." She walked past him. Nearing her room, out of his sight, she said, "God, I'm so fat."  
  
He laughed quietly and moved to the counter to look over some mail. He hadn't really changed his address to fit his staying at Abby's, but there were some things that he'd received. He'd been paying half her rent, and some of the other bills, so he looked over them.  
  
"What am I supposed to wear?" she asked. "Is my laundry over there? In the basket?"  
  
He glanced over to the couch and saw it there. "Yeah, its out here. Hold on, I'll get it for you." He carried it over to her room and set it in the doorway. She smiled his way.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
He nodded. He knew that every smile was as it had always been with her. She smiled to be nice, she smiled to thank him, and she smiled if she laughed. But with those smiles, he felt a rush through him. And again, he wished that things were different.  
  
Shaking himself, as he had too many times to count, he looked back to the mail.  
  
Nothing for him today.  
  
  
  
--  
  
  
"Nice choice," he said, looking at her from his position in front of the wheel.   
  
"Well," she said, "I felt we should visit it again before we do tomorrow. In," she paused, "eleven hours."  
  
He laughed at her remark. Something that made him genuinely happy. Something that released her genuine frustration. "Ah," he said, "that's true."  
  
He steered around to the side of the diner and brought the key from the ignition. He smiled at her tightly, and started out of the car. Meeting her on the other side, he took her hand to lead her to the door.  
  
"Nothing better than Doc Magoo's," he said.   
  
"That's a little over the top," she said. "But isn't it great?"  
  
He laughed. "Sure is."  
  
They walked inside to see the usually dimly-lit room. She looked around the room instantly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Just seeing if anyone else is here," she said. "Poor Susan said she has to work a double."  
  
"Oh," he said. "She won't be here then."  
  
"That's true," she said.   
  
They sat down at a booth. The jukebox, somewhere in the room, was singing another old tune. The usual, and very aphorism-story, clanging of the dishes in the kitchen joined in the chorus. The conversations of the so many people around them.  
  
"I think I'm gonna get a cheeseburger," he said. "A very big cheeseburger."  
  
She nodded. "Me, too," she said. "Oh, give me a break."  
  
"What?"  
  
"They're raising the prices again here?" she said, eyeing the menu. "As if the actual food was worth it."  
  
He laughed. "That's what's so great about Doc Magoo's. No matter how disgusting the food, high the prices, every staff member at County manages to drag themselves to this dump for lunch."  
  
"Exactly," she agreed. She searched the menu. "Hey. At least my cheeseburger's still cheap."  
  
He smiled at the choices in front of him. "You're right."  
  
"Can I get you something?" a waitress asked, appearing above them.  
  
"Yeah," he said, folding his menu. "We'll have the two cheeseburger meals."  
  
"Diet coke for me," she said.  
  
"Iced tea," he said. "Thanks."  
  
She nodded and walked back to the counter to engage in another chat with a customer.   
  
"Iced tea?" she asked. "Since when do you drink iced tea?"  
  
He shrugged. "Time for change."  
  
  
--  
  
  
He pushed open the door.   
  
"Thanks for dinner," she said. "I would ask you to come in, but you live here."  
  
"Ha," he said, sleepily. He yawned and shut the door.  
  
"I'm going to bed," she said. " 'Night."  
  
"Me, too," he said. "Good night."  
  
He was in his bed, pajamas and all. She was sound asleep in her room. Maybe tonight she would be okay. Maybe today she wouldn't be so troubled.  
  
He was wrong.  
  
--  
  
Short again. Sorry. The next chapters will be longer, I promise. I run out of ideas with three fics, basically. But the next chapters will be big ones.  
  
Next chapter, Chapter 20, starts it all.  
  
-me 


	20. Emergency

He glanced towards the clock on the nightstand and saw that it read later than he expected. Or, rather, earlier than he expected. Looking up to the ceiling, he tugged at his face with rough hands. Exhausted.  
  
Two-thirty, A.M.  
  
Insomniac, he said to himself. He looked to his left and saw Abby resting peacefully upon her pillow. Her hair was framing her own face, falling alone on her cheeks and neck. Her body rose and descended with every breath she took.   
  
He'd remembered her late night visit. It was nearly eleven, but he wasn't asleep. She had looked at his face, which he pretended to close eyes with. He felt her hand on his face and opened one eye. She had already disappeared from his slender eyeshot, though, and he found his eyes drift to a close again.   
  
--  
  
Her form had suddenly been felt against his back, though. She was still there. He breathed out, relieved, and waited for silence to carry him into slumber again. But she was still there, and he had to say something. Sleep wasn't working for him tonight.  
  
"Hey," he said without turning. "What's wrong?"  
  
"Sorry," she whispered immediately. "Didn't realize I woke you."  
  
He changed positions and found himself staring into her mess of hair. Her head was bowed against the other pillow. "You didn't. I've been awake for a while."  
  
She looked up and smiled in the dark. He wasn't sure if it was a real smile, but at least he saw some raw emotion. The slice of light sparking through the barely curtained window covered her face and his hand. Her hand, as well, moved into the light with no purpose. She sighed.  
  
"So have I."  
  
He joined her in her stare upward into nothing and breathed out cautiously. "Remember when you were a kid and you got scared of the thunder and lightning? You'd run into your parents' room to have them hold you in your bed? Either way, whether the storm raged on or not, you always got to sleep. Remember that?"  
  
Abby sighed again. "Get real, John," she said with an anxious, emotionless laugh. "My childhood was never like that. You know it."  
  
He laughed as well, in an identical manner. "Mine either."  
  
Once again, they were prisoners of an awkward enemy. Left alone in the bed, parallel to the other, they sat waiting for an absolution. She closed her eyes, he saw, and pressed her lips together. Her hands went to her forehead to pull back her hair, exposing her forehead.  
  
"You aren't alone, you know," he said. "I'm gonna be there for you."  
  
She laughed aloud this time. "Excuse me? Why would you - "  
  
"Abby," he said. "I'm your friend. I want to be with you one hundred percent if you need me to with this. Just give me a call - "  
  
"What are you talking about? I didn't even say anything - "  
  
"Abby," he repeated. "You have to know I'm here."  
  
She hesitated, but nodded in the end. Her eyes were closed, as if she would let out the pain secretly. Carter watched her intently as she spoke. "Thank you."  
  
She frowned and put her arm over her eyes. He took her arm away from her face and whispered, "Don't hide." He lifted himself and turned his back to her as he attempted to fall asleep once more.  
  
--  
  
And he had. For, apparently, only four and a half hours. She was asleep, finally. She had been struggling, he knew. She was constantly shifting and sighing. At one point, he had put his hand behind his back for his own comfort, while only half awake. She touched it without a reason, and finally stopped moving around to settle away. He, too, found himself tucking away into slumber.  
  
Now, it was late. Or early. He shift would start in five hours, hers in six and a half. He groaned and felt it oddly warmer. He took his shirt off of his back, noticing that it was soaked with a light coat of perspiration. He noticed that Abby was sweating as well; her hair was kindly damp against her forehead and near her ears. He reluctantly dragged himself from the bed and to the living room. He searched for the temperature's dial. When he couldn't find it, he, thwarted, found himself lying in the bed again.  
  
"What is it?"   
  
"Are you awake?" he asked, moving over to her. He placed a hand on her head and smoothed down her hair. She was troubled, he could tell, as she sank into his touch. She reached up to touch his wrist, to stop him.   
  
"What time is it?" she asked gently.  
  
He looked over at the clock. "Two-thirty three." He sighed and pulled his hand to cover his own face.  
  
"Why is it so warm in here?" she asked.   
  
He shook his head into a, by now, dampened pillow. "I don't know. I went to look for the, um - "  
  
"It's over here," she said. She slowly recovered from the bed and walked to the living room. He followed her through the shadows of the dark and met her next to the kitchen.  
  
"Right here," she said. "Is it okay if I turn it down?"  
  
He nodded. "Please do."  
  
"Guess there's no reason to ask," she said.  
  
"Huh?" he said dumbly, looking around into the dark. He watched her hand draw away from the wall and tuck itself under her other arm as she crossed them across her chest.  
  
"You're not wearing a shirt," she said as she began back towards the bedroom.  
  
"It got hot," he said, proceeding behind her. His hands ran through his hair again, hoping to recover from the rush of sweat forming on his forehead. It didn't help, really.  
  
There was no instant difference in temperature, but perhaps the reason for settling into the bed was simply to enjoy the comfort, regardless of the heat. He suspected she felt the same at that moment.  
  
So they cuddled into the comfort of the warm bed, sighing in unison as they anticipated the coming of the morning. The arrival of dawn, alone, would be enough relieve to take them from their sleepless night.   
  
He remembered the first time he met her. He'd felt something at that first second. He was almost a new guy, and he didn't know what it was when he felt it.  
  
But a more real first time that they were introduced - that time he lost it. He hated her then. He wanted to walk out on it all, and he almost had. Everything had held him back, though, and everything had pushed him away.  
  
He wanted to tell her right now. She had saved his life. She had, in all sincerity. He had walked out on her, though, and never said anytthing meaningful about it again.  
  
He moved to her, to see if maybe sshe was still awake. She was, and she looked up meakly at him. He smiled, cowardly and returned to his stare at the clock. He'd had enough of this night and hewas ready to fall asleep. But yet another sound, another minor distraction burst into the night.  
  
"What is that?" he said.  
  
"It's your pager," she replied. "From the ER. It's in the living room with your clothes."  
  
He looked at her.  
  
"Go get it," she said. "It might be important."  
  
"Important in what manner?" he asked as he left the room. He turned the sound off, waiting to see what it read. But another faint sound took his eyes across the room.  
  
"Is that mine?" she asked into the still dark.  
  
He didn't answer her. His eyes were focused on the solitary word read on his pager.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Emergency.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
--  
  
-me 


	21. Freezing Waters, Part One

Enjoy.  
  
--  
  
"John," she said. Her voice lifted from the other room and reached him with impact. He was awaken from a sudden state of being held against.  
  
"Abby," he said, his eyes still focused on the screen of the pager. They couldn't move. Paralyzed for an instant, he couldn't process anything but her voice. Then he shook himself and repeated, "Abby."  
  
She came toward him, in a hurry. Her hair was gently lifting about her shoulders with the rhythm of her run. "What does yours say?"  
  
He shook his head and looked up. "Emergency." He realized the fulfillment of the situation and said again, louder, "Emergency."  
  
She nodded, worriedly. "Mine, too."  
  
For a while, they sat there. They glanced to the pagers, then back up to the other's face. The room was still dark, traced by any anonymous luminescent glint of light, escaping through the windows around them. The light was suddenly flooded with a brighter light. He looked up to see her next to the switch by the door. She went to her room.  
  
He fished around near the bed in the his recently allocated room for more of his clothes. He pulled on a cleaner shirt and snatched the pager from the nightstand.   
  
"You think its something serious?"   
  
He looked out over the view from the window. The streets were pale with the faint light of anything from the street. Silence, and eerie silence, blanketed the entire scene. Not a single figure walked the streets now. It was all a dream, it looked. His face was caught in a bare contrast. His skin glowed in the dark of the room. Hastily, he breathed out and clasped his hands together. Cold ran through his body, causing him to shudder.  
  
"John?"  
  
"Yeah," he said quickly, snapping back into reality. His eyes, frozen for a second, fell out of place as he turned to see her standing in the doorway. She had pulled on a quick ensemble, and was now adjusting her coat over her shoulders.  
  
"Do you think," she said, "its something seriosu?"  
  
He smiled goofily and looked out among the window's hold again. "I doubt it - "  
  
"John," she said with her own phony smile. "Why would they call both of us this early?"  
  
"It's not that early," he said, completely aware of the fact that it was indeed *that* early.  
  
With a steady finger, she thrust her hand toward the clock on the nighstand. "See for yourself." She sighed and began to bring herself from the room. He didn't need to look. He followed her out into the room.  
  
"Where's my coat?" he asked, searching the room frantically. His eyes were wide open.  
  
"Chair," she said. Her voice was cautious. He knew she was in the same state he was. He didn't know why he was acting so oddly. Never before had he been so aroused by an event in the ER. This was different though. He felt something as soon as he read the label on the pager, a chill ran through him. Something else. This time was different than all of the others.   
  
As he took his coat from the chair, her head came into view, appearing suddenly in front of him.   
  
"Something's different about this one," she said, as if reading his thoughts. His hand covered his mouth and then slid it past his face. He breathed out and looked at her. Her face was eager for an explanation. She was depending on him right now. Whatever he said would be the truth to her.  
  
"I think so," he said. His voice had a slight quiver, but he was careful to let it show. He was afraid to scare her. "It's unhealthy to get so little sleep in your condition." He was desperate to change the mood, so unsettled.  
  
"It's my job," she said with a shrug. Her smile was swift, and stiff. It didn't last for long, though and soon she was near the door. He looked down to his feet and nodded as he began toward the door.  
  
As soon as they were out the door, the cold hit them. It was the hallway, and then the outside, finally, that awakened them yet again. Neither of them talked as they made there way through a blank street's side. Their walk caught up with them before their minds. You could hear the whistle of traffic in the distance, but *they* couldn't hear anything but the sound of their breaths in the cold.  
  
"I don't know why we're fretting," he said, but interrupted himself with a quick, shuddering sigh.  
  
"Something's wrong," she insisted.  
  
"Obviously - "  
  
"No," she said, suggestively. Her eyes were openly darting around. "Something is wrong."  
  
A burst of noise. The all too familiar scream of a siren near them. It was coming from somewhere. Somewhere close. It was leaning toward them, the feeling they always felt when it approached. But it was different, yet again. They whirred around together, in unison, to see the trail of vehicles streaming down the street.   
  
He stared open-mouthed as they ran by them. Abby reached for his hand and turned him around abruptly.   
  
"What the hell is going on?" Her voice was shaken.  
  
He shook his head. He wanted to run to County. It wouldn't have taken a moment's thought if it hadn't been for Abby's condition. The cold was already enough for her.  
  
"We're gonna find out," he said. "We need a cab. The L's too far away."  
  
She nodded in agreement, biting her lip and running ahead to hail a cab. She beat the pavement with a frustrated foot. He joined her and held up his hand to gather attention from the drivers. One of the cars halted in front of them.  
  
"County General Hospital," he shouted to the driver. He scooted Abby inside with one hand hurriedly, but gently. She didn't waste time getting in, and soon he joined her inside.  
  
"The Mercy?" the man questioned. His voice was thick with a foreign accent. Exactly like nearly every other driver in Chicago.  
  
"County, now!" he shouted. "Damn it, come on!"  
  
Abby's look wasn't disagreeing with anything he was saying. She sat forward as did he, and waited for the hospital to come into view. The driver was carefully making his way through slow traffic.  
  
"It's an emergency!" Abby shouted, speaking as close as she could to his head.  
  
"Woman," he said, "are you having a baby or something?"  
  
Carter rolled his eyes, subconsciously, but wasted no time in reality. "Just get there, damnit!" he cried. He pounded his fist on the divider and shrank back into his original position. He put his face into his hands and sighed before pounding on it again. "Come on!"  
  
"I'm going as fast I can," he said.  
  
"Get over there!" Abby yelled, referring to an opening in the thick mess of midnight streets.   
  
"Go!" Carter agreed.  
  
"Do you wanna drive?" the driver shouted, beating the wheel with a threatening fist.  
  
He shook his head and grabbed Abby's hand. She looked up at him. "Forget it," he said. "Stop here." The driver agreed without thinking and cursed under his breath as Carter pulled Abby from the cab.  
  
"What are you doing?" she yelled. "Are you insane? We can't get there - "  
  
"Come on," he said through his teeth again. The snow was pouring through the sky now. Abby shivered, her hand acting alike within his.   
  
"What are we going to do, John?"  
  
He threw his hand to his face and wiped sweat from his forehead. "Just follow me."  
  
He began to run, but stopped when he heard her, trying to catch up with her breaths. He bent down to her. "Should I carry you?"  
  
She shrugged him off with a quick roll of her eyes. She walked over to the side of the street and put her eyes on a man coming toward his car. He opened his door, and looked up as Abby grabbed his hand.  
  
"You have to take us to the hospital," she demanded with stern eyes.  
  
"Excuse me?" the man said. "Do I know you?"  
  
She shook her head violently and Carter came to her side. "There's an emergency."  
  
The traffic was still visibly thick with the company of, literally, a dozen ambulances. He gestured toward the crowd of them, casting the red-blue glow about the scene.  
  
"Who are you?" the man said.  
  
"We need to get to the hospital."  
  
The man rolled his eyes, swallowed and crossed his arms. "What are you a doctor or something?"  
  
"Yes!" Carter shouted. The air was still, but shaken with the sound of his voice. "Now, come on! We need to be there."  
  
The man shook his head, but proceeded to open the back door on their side for them. Abby mumbled a "thanks," and the man climbed into the door.  
  
"County, right?"  
  
"Yeah," Abby said.  
  
"Go!" Carter screamed.  
  
--  
  
-me 


	22. Freezing Waters, Part Two

Again - enjoy.  
  
The man looked at him quizically. He didn't understand, obviously, but took note of the many ambulances near his own vehicle.  
  
"What's going on?" he asked, gesturing to the sudden jam of the ambulances beside them. He brought back his finger to scratch his nose. "Car crash... or something?"  
  
"Could you just get to the hospital?" Abby said, more of demanding than anything else. She blinked hard and turned her head to the man in front.  
  
The man nodded. "Yeah. County?" He laughed, "My cousin used to work there."  
  
Carter looked over at Abby. She was watching as each of the ambulances stormed through the crowd of regular traffic.  
  
"Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked.  
  
"What are you talking about?" she replied. Her hands were fighting one another in her lap. She looked out the window again and breathed out quickly.  
  
"Abby," he reasoned. "You're nine months pregnant. You don't know what this is. It could be dangerous."  
  
"Well," she said, "it doesn't look like I have a choice, does it? Weaver paged me anyway." She shugged with a quiet laugh. "Duty calls, right?"  
  
"Forget it," he said. "You don't have to go. Forget the page."  
  
"It's my job, John," she said. "I'm a nurse." She looked away then back to his face. "Its what I do, isn't it?"  
  
He looked at her sternly, but she stared straight back at him. He started to speak, but she shushed him with a finger in the air.  
  
"He worked in some -ology department," the man went on. "Radiology? Cardiology? Brainology..."  
  
"I think we're gonna be fine," she said in a whisper. "Just promise me you won't leave me, John." Her voice was serious, her tone carefully set.  
  
Panic hit him and he looked around the car nervously. "I'm not gonna leave you," he said. "Don't leave me."  
  
She swallowed. "I wouldn't."  
  
Carter nodded and looked down. Suddenly, he felt her hand upon his. She smoothly stroked it comfortingly. He nodded again, this time stronger, and put his hand on hers. They watched each other for an instant, minus any smiles. Captivated.  
  
The man shifted in his sight as he waited for the lights ahead to change in their favor. "Do you know someone named Bob? He works at County."  
  
Abby rolled her eyes and looked ahead to the man. "Do you know how many Bobs there are?"  
  
"Just focus on the road, okay man?" Carter added. He turned back to her.  
  
Abby's lips met in a compromise, nothing near a smile.  
  
Carter couldn't help but watch her. He was afraid for her. He was afraid for himself, but he didn't know what he would do if something happened to her. He watched as she blinked again with a sigh as the driver continued his story.  
  
"I want you to know," he said, slightly elevating his hands in the air, "whatever happens tonight - "  
  
"John," she whispered. "We *are* going to make it out of here. Don't talk like that."  
  
He nodded. He tucked that thought away into the end of his mind, and tried to focus on something else. Something other than the violent red and blue of ambulances, or the calm hand near his on the seat of the car.  
  
"That serious?" the man in front questioned.  
  
Abby rolled her eyes again and came close to the man. "Did you wanna mind your own business?"  
  
The man rudely murmured an apology. He rolled his eyes as well and began to focus on the road ahead again. He started to hum a tune to himself and soon turned it into a whistle.  
  
Carter and Abby sighed in unison. The man quickly picked up a strong chorus, still annoying.  
  
"Can you please just be quiet?" Carter questioned suddenly.  
  
"Please," Abby breathed with a nod.   
  
The man shrugged and muttered another something, but it was inaudible to the pair in the backseat. Their attention was taken to the traffic, their hands, the traffic again.  
  
They were making their way as quickly as they could through the wad of cars on the streets. With the ambulances ahead of them, it wasn't making it easier.  
  
"John," she whispered again, "we're never going to get there."  
  
"We'll get there," he said.  
  
"We should have taken the L," she argued quietly. "We would have been there by now."  
  
He nodded. "It'll take twice as long to get there."  
  
"Are you sure?" she asked.  
  
"Abby," he said again, "we'd have to run. You are in *no* condition to run."  
  
"I can run," she insisted.  
  
"No," the man intruded, "You're pregnant."  
  
"Keep your eyes on the road, man," Carter shouted. He looked to his left as a few more ambulances fought their way around them.  
  
"What the hell is going on, John?" She looked on with him. "Oh, my God, what's going on?"  
  
He wished he could answer her. But he couldn't. "I don't know."  
  
The sirens were everywhere. They had grown accustomed to the noise, now, sitting in the car with ambulances at every angle. The blue and red lights lit Abby's face as she watched in wonder at the vehicles passing by. He saw her sit straight through the chaos.   
  
He was scared. He had no idea what in hell could ever be the matter. But, somewhere in Chicago that night, something had happened. A few miles away, the ER was working on it. It had been an hour since their page. They had missed an hour of what was going on.  
  
"John," she said, reaching behind to tug on his sleeve without taking her eyes off of the sight. "Those ambulances are going to Mercy. They aren't going to County."  
  
He looked at her face. She shot a serious look his way, then pointed at the graphic image ahead of them. It was true. They were all of Mercy's crew.  
  
"You're right," he said, "Those aren't going to County."  
  
"Do you have your phone?" she asked, looking at him intently.  
  
"I didn't think to take it," he admitted. "Don't you have yours?"  
  
"Spaced it," she said. "Hey?" She tapped the man in the driver's seat on the shoulder.  
  
"You rang?"  
  
Carter wiped his forehead in frustration at the man's comment as Abby spoke, "Do you have a cell phone?"  
  
"God, no," the man laughed. Abby had turned away, refusing to listen to the rest as he went on. "Rack up bills like that? Monsterous! No thank you."  
  
"Can you get through right there?" Abby asked, pointing out a gap.  
  
"Go for it," Carter suggested.  
  
"This is a 2001 Jag," he said. "I'd rather die."  
  
"You have a Jag, but no cell?" Carter asked him dumbly. Abby ignored this and went on,  
  
"Sir," she said, "there's an emergency and we *must* be there. Please, just try it."  
  
"I'm not dying and either is my car," he stubbornly said. "Now sit down or get out."  
  
Carter considered his next move. He wanted to jump out of the car, but he knew Abby wouldn't be able to keep up. No, she could, but he wouldn't let her. He couldn't believe Kerry had paged her in the first place. Especially for an emergency, which was turning out to be mysteriously serious.  
  
"Oh, my God," the man said, taking them away from their second of peace.  
  
Abby and Carter looked up at the sound of his voice. Out the window, they stared to see another frightening scene. He heard Abby's breathing become faster, rushing as he tried to keep up with his own. He attempted to bring himself back to reality by closing his eyes. When he opened them, though, he found himself in the same position. That horrible, but completely true nightmare.  
  
"Oh, man," Carter whispered. "Oh, man."  
  
"What the hell," Abby began. "Oh, Jesus Christ."  
  
"Here, County," the man shouted. "Go, do you work!"  
  
--  
  
Hmm... this is Freezing Waters, Part Three. Any guesses to why its called this? If I remember correctly, its clarified in the next chapter...  
  
-me 


	23. Freezing Waters, Part Three

Carter jumped from his seat immediately and helped Abby out of the car. They started to rush to the ambulance bay, to see nearly the entire ER staff stationed there, tending to each of the many parked ambulances. Gurneys were rushing back and forth between them and the hospital.  
  
"Oh, no," Abby said.  
  
"What's going on?" Carter shouted above all the noise to Chuny nearby.  
  
"Oh, my God, Dr. Carter," she said, taking his hand. "Thank God you're here."  
  
"What's going on, Chuny?" Abby asked. She had taken Carter's other hand, but she hadn't noticed. Carter had, but didn't focus on it. He couldn't.  
  
"Weaver's out," she interrupted her.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Seizure," she cried, over the noise. The noise was horrible. Shouting, sirens, crying. "She's stable, but upstairs for now. Unconscious."  
  
"Oh, my God," Abby said.   
  
Chuny began to cry out above the sound. "They came in here so fast. No one knew anything, really, until they called the desk. But that was after they all arrived. It's terrible."  
  
"What?" Abby asked again. "What happened? There's ambulances all over the damn street, and there's almost as many in the bay here."  
  
"Nine," Carter said, finishing his count.  
  
"With one more on the way," Haleh joined.  
  
"What happened?" Carter asked again.  
  
An ambulance found itself directly in there path. They gasped, and ran backward as it whizzed past. The back doors were hanging open with a paramedic shouting out the back to someone. Carter cursed and ordered to shut the doors. The man inside continued to yell out, but a woman quickly leapt to shut them herself.  
  
As the vehicle passed, he sighed at losing Chuny again. He searched quickly, tracing everyone in the crowd.   
  
"Help me!"  
  
Carter and Abby both turned around to see a man on the gurney, struggling to get up. He was fumbling with the IV. He looked about sixty-years-old.  
  
"Sir," Carter said. "You have to keep that in there - "  
  
"I have to find my daughter!"  
  
"Did they bring her here?"  
  
"I screamed," the man stuttered, "but they didn't hear me."  
  
Abby looked at him, then back to Carter.  
  
"And I couldn't hear my daughter," he said, starting to cry. He was so fragile, with cuts all over his skin. "They couldn't find her. Did they find her? Did they find my Mira?"  
  
"Uh," Carter said, "let me find out, okay?"  
  
"Please find her," he said. "Her name is Mira, but she calls herself Michelle. She told her mother and I that she always hated that name."  
  
"What happened, Sir?" Carter asked, coming closer to appear more gentle than the situation had turned him. "Do you know why all of these people are hurt?"  
  
He shook his head and began to cry harder. He was almost out of breath, from the tears. "I-I don't know."  
  
"How old is she? What does she look like?" Abby inquired, desperate to gather clues as she looked around the crowd for this mystery girl.  
  
"She has brown hair and brown eyes," he stuttered, "and she's eight."  
  
Abby raised her eyebrows, as Carter did the same. "You have an eight-year-old daughter?" He realized the tone in his question and immediately went to recover.   
  
Abby was one step ahead of him. "We're going to try our best to find Mira. I mean, Michelle."  
  
"Thank you," the man said, placing a hand on her face. "You're an angel."  
  
Abby smiled. "What's your name, sir?"  
  
"Daniel," he said. "Danny Schmidt to most."  
  
She smiled again and put his hand between her own. She patted it gently and told him to lie back down. He unwillingly did as he was told.  
  
Once they felt their business was finished with Daniel, they whipped around and began to rush through the enormous, swarming marsh of people. There had to be at least a hundred, one big bash in the ambulance bay. It certainly wasn't celebrating anything though.  
  
"We have to find Chuny," he said.  
  
"Isn't that her, right there?"  
  
Carter felt a slight, sudden headrush come over him as Abby grabbed his arm and turned him around to a figure already beginning toward them.  
  
There she was.  
  
"Chuny!"  
  
"Carter," she said, out of breath. "There was a guy over, there. Sorry, I had to -"  
  
"Chuny, what's going on?"  
  
Chuny swallowed, but was interrupted by Haleh called Abby over to her. Abby raced over to her aid, leaving Carter with Chuny.  
  
--  
  
Extremely short, I know. But I wanted to disappoint you by giving you a chapter that brings an idea (chapter 20), one that makes you think, "what in the world is going on?" (chapter 21) and then one that makes you say, "duh, why did she stop there?" (chapter 22). Then you're like, "Okay, this girl thinks she's some kind of hotshot, giving us one page." (yeah, that's this chapter.) Actually, its more like the classic chapter cliffhanger. Especially in my case.  
  
So sorry about that. Have a nice day. (lol) Last night, with chapter 22, I got so many reviews in one night, I thought to just update it that night. Then, of course, I had to update the rest of them. So, basically, if you want more of the story, EVERYONE start reviewing. lol  
  
One of my betas, Molly, didn't quite get the part where the old guy's crying. You know how the old people on that show get teary and stuff? It barely looks like they're crying because of their condition... imagine it that way. ;)  
  
-me 


	24. Freezing Waters, Part Four

"Carter!" Abby screamed.  
  
He dismissed Chuny as he ran to Abby. She was hovering over a patient alone. She was using two hands to perform CPR desperately.   
  
"What's going on?" Abby asked. "Why are all these people here?"  
  
Carter swallowed. "I'm gonna go find out. You okay?"  
  
She nodded. He noticed sweat coming down her forehead. He watched as she saved the patient, noting the man coming to. She sat back with a heavy breath, closing her eyes and shouting orders at a nurse to take him inside.  
  
"Good job," Carter commented, before turning sharply to run over to someone. Everyone was calling his name in praise. He turned to no one, until he came to Susan. She was furiously working on a patient with Romano behind her.  
  
"Romano?"  
  
"Carter," she shouted in relief. "Oh, my God, you're here. We paged you an hour ago!"  
  
"The traffic was unbelievable," he said. "We got a ride from some stranger. What the hell is going on?"  
  
Susan shook her head as she shouted to the nurse beside her. He didn't recognize the nurse, but didn't stick to the thought.  
  
"Some maniac," she said, "blew up half of Northwestern."  
  
Carter froze. "What?"  
  
She nodded, and started, but Romano took over. "Bomb threat to Northwestern. Half an hour later, the PICU's blown to bits, along with half of the HDU, the ER, and the OR. The building's still on fire and they're evacuating to Mercy."  
  
"Oh, man," Carter said. "Oh, my God."  
  
"Carter!"  
  
The scream came over a million people at once and hit him. Abby was calling his name. She was in the middle of two patients with no one around her.  
  
"How many people are out here?" he shouted as Susan, starting to walk to Abby.  
  
"At least sixty, more on the way!"  
  
Damn, he thought.   
  
"Help, John," Abby said. The patients around her were all crying out in pain, complaining of the cold. Abby was trying to comfort a young girl on the gurney in front of her as Carter rounded behind her to the man.  
  
"Please make my leg stop bleeding," the man pleaded. "It's killing me."  
  
"What happened?" Carter asked, inspecting it quickly.  
  
"Just a huge fire," he said. "It just burst into flames all of a sudden."  
  
"What is he talking about, John?" Abby said, stroking the girl's head reassuringly. Carter walked over to her and whispered to her near her ear.  
  
"Guy blew up Northwestern. Bomb threat and thirty minutes later, half the place is blown."  
  
Abby whipped around. "Oh, my God. Who?"  
  
He shook his head. "Romano and Lewis don't know any more than that."  
  
"Oh, God," she said again. The little girl started to cry, so she turned to her. "Oh, sweetie. Where does it hurt?"  
  
The little girl started to speak, but her head fell to the side. Abby reached back for Carter. "She's not moving, Carter. She isn't breathing!"  
  
The entire scene was screaming with chaos. Still, the screaming, the crying, the sirens, the shouting. Commands coming from every direction flooded into him. Lights were darting across the entire area. He noticed some more ambulances coming toward him and cursed under his breath inaudibly.  
  
"We're from Sacred Heart," a man shouted, stepping from the ambulance.   
  
At that moment, there was a shriek. The majority of the people in the bay, including the paramedic, Abby and Carter, turned to see an ambulance driving in reverse forcefully. Romano jumped to the side of the ambulance, and emerged after it had stopped in a few seconds. John joined Romano in rushing to the rear of the truck, where Susan lay unconscious.  
  
"Susan?" Romano shouted.  
  
"Get her upstairs!" Carter screamed. "Romano, can you get this?"  
  
He nodded determinedly and, with Lydia's help, eased her carefully onto a gurney. Carter ran back to the man waiting by the ambulance, but spoke to Abby first while the man demanded an excuse for his running away.  
  
"Lewis just got hit by an ambulance," he said. As Abby gasped, he said, "this place is out of control."  
  
"Well," the man interrupted, "we're from Sacred Heart. We're here to lighten your load."  
  
"Sacred Heart?" Abby asked. "Where in the hell is that?"  
  
"Fifty miles away," the man said. "Dupage County. Familiar?"  
  
Abby didn't listen to the man. She turned to Carter. "Should we get the critical cases to Sacred Heart?"  
  
"Carter!" Chuny shouted. "There are some ambulances from Mercy here to take some patients! Should I get the critical ones out of here?"  
  
It was just like the scene from "Titanic." The one where the ship had finally sank into the ocean, and everyone was desperately trying to survive in the freezing waters. There was that much noise, and probably that much hope for survival.  
  
"Dr. Carter?"  
  
He turned to see another unknown face looking at him. He held his hand up to him, with a pair of keys on his hand.   
  
"What is this?" Carter asked. He took the keys from the man and shoved them into his pocket.   
  
"There's a closet behind the back exit over there," he said, pointing elsewhere. "Not really a closet, more like a shed."  
  
"Yeah," he said, staring at him oddly. "Yeah I know."  
  
"There's extra equipment in there."  
  
"No there isn't," Carter corrected him. "There's nothing in there."  
  
But the man had already started to run off. Carter didn't mind the man, apparently a paramedic, and turned around to see the crowd the way he'd left it.  
  
"Alright," he shouted. He only managed to gather the attention of the sum around him, but he didn't expect much more. "We're getting as much critical cases as we can to Mercy; they're closer. Sacred Heart's gonna take some of the lighter ones. Get some of these patients inside, they're freezing their asses off out here."  
  
"Which ones are Sacred Heart's and which ones are Mercy's?" an anonymous voice called.  
  
Carter felt Abby's eyes on him in a hopeful stare as he put his hands on the back of his head. He ran to the side of the ambulance, climbed to the roof and stood on top of it.  
  
"Carter," Abby said. "Be careful."  
  
"Everyone, listen up!" Carter shouted as loudly as he could.   
  
"Everyone, shut up!" Abby yelled.  
  
"Hey, everybody, listen up for a second!" Chuny chimed in.  
  
Soon the few of the nurses and PAs were shouting into the early morning to the rest of the crowd. It was a big one, taking up more than the ambulance bay could hold. Finally, it got as quiet as it would be. It was quiet enough.  
  
"Okay," Carter said, now finding himself lost when he finally had all the attention he needed. "We need to get critical cases into Mercy's ambulances."  
  
Jerry called his name and tossed a megaphone to him. Everyone looked at Jerry oddly for a second, but shrugged it off as Carter's newly magnified voice called out again.  
  
"We need to get the critical patients to Mercy's ambulances." He looked around and stuttered freely into the device to his lips. "Um, let's see. Hey, all the Mercy drivers get up on the ambulances like I am now."  
  
"No way," someone said.  
  
"Come on!" Carter shouted. They didn't hesitate and obeyed him without a second questioning. "All of the worst, most critical patients that can't be taken care of here, get them to Mercy's, now!"  
  
No one ignored him and immediately set to work. They fumbled for a while, running into each other and shouting at each other. But in the end of the grueling minute, they were running near smooth. As close as smooth would get.  
  
"Now, less critical patients that can't be taken care of here," he called, "get 'em to Sacred Heart."  
  
"How do we know which ones are Sacred Heart's?"  
  
"Well," he said, "those would be the ones without the people on top of them! Come on, people! Let's go!"  
  
He climbed halfway, then leapt down to the ground he tucked the megaphone under his arm and joined Abby at one of the gurneys and rushed the patient to the first Sacred Heart ambulance.  
  
"Not bad, Carter," Abby said, breathing heavily.  
  
"Dr. Carter!"  
  
He and Abby spun around to see a woman approaching them.  
  
"Mercy just received a call," she said over the events around her.  
  
"And?"  
  
"Bomb threat," she said.  
  
--  
  
Very short.  
  
-me 


	25. Freezing Waters, Part Five

Here you go.  
  
--  
  
"Dr. Carter!"  
  
He and Abby spun around to see a woman approaching them.  
  
"Mercy just received a call," she said over the events around her.  
  
"And?"  
  
"Bomb threat," she said.  
  
-  
  
"What?" Carter said in disbelief.  
  
"Five minutes ago," she replied. "Threat spoke of a bomb, possibly two or three, that would get rid of the entire ER and more."  
  
"Why are they going for the ER?" Haleh asked, as she stood next to them.  
  
"Both the ER and the ICU are getting tossed in this situation," she said. "ER's the immediate care."  
  
"Oh, my God," Abby said. "And they have no idea who's responsible?"  
  
"Not the slightest idea," the woman said with a shake of her head. "Have you had any recent protests or different occurrings lately?"  
  
Carter thought, but shook his head. "None that I recall, and usually we get branded with pretty memorable stuff."   
  
"Carter," Abby said, "we can't take these people to Mercy."  
  
"Why?" the woman asked.  
  
"Why?" Carter repeated. "Why? Mercy might blow! That's only more deaths, more casualties!"  
  
"This couldn't be the real thing," the woman said. "It might be some sick joke."  
  
"Was it a sick joke when they killed Northwestern?" Abby shouted.  
  
Someone screamed behind them. Another someone was yelling loudly, but everyone was yelling. The noise was an enormous cloud over the entire staff.  
  
"We have to take them to Mercy," she said. "There's no where else."  
  
"Are you sure?" Carter said.   
  
"There's no room here at County or Sacred Heart," the woman protested.  
  
"There's not much room here, but we can manage," he said. "We've fought in worse situations."  
  
The woman nodded. "Sacred Heart's too far away."  
  
"Is it too risky to take the chopper around?" Haleh questioned.  
  
Carter looked at Abby. She was watching as the staff merged with the sixty-some patients in the lot. It was unbelievable. Everyone was crying for help.  
  
"We could do that," the woman answered.  
  
"Whatever you do," Abby said, "we have to stop them from taking those patients to Mercy."  
  
"They're going to Mercy, ma'am," another man said, coming toward them.  
  
"They cannot go to Mercy!" Abby screamed. "With that, we'll only get more patients here. It'll get worse. I advise you evacuate Mercy as well."  
  
"Miss - "  
  
"Abby's right," Carter said. "We'd be fools to send them to Mercy."  
  
Carter nodded and ran back to the cluster of ambulances near him. Everyone questioned him again as he climbed to the top of it once more, megaphone in hand. "Everyone!"  
  
Once again, the small crowd around him assisted him in quieting the crowd. There were small murmurs, and a fight was breaking out between a paramedic and a frustrated Jerry near him.  
  
"Shut up!" Carter shouted. Enough of the lot did, so he continued. "There's been a change in plans."  
  
They all groaned and began to question him angrily.   
  
"What the hell?" someone moaned.  
  
"Mercy got a call," he shouted.  
  
"We're freezing out here!"  
  
"What the hell is going on?"  
  
They all chorused another groan, but this time there were gasps as well. Their heads darted around and the patients and some of the paramedics were already asking questions.  
  
"We can't take them to Mercy!" a paramedic nearby shouted.  
  
"Exactly!" Carter cried. "Any critical patients originally on their way to Mercy, get them inside. They are *not* going to Mercy!"  
  
"That's twice as much work for us!" Another voice said.  
  
"Well," he said, "that could be half as much damage in the end if these people are serious about Mercy."  
  
"What do we do?" yet another voice called out.  
  
Carter scratched the back of his head. Abby was still looking up at him, hopefully. "Get every patient on their way to Mercy into the ER. If anyone can have their injuries assessed by another department, get them to where they need to go."  
  
"Carter!" Lily called from below. "There are already two on the way to Mercy!"  
  
"Two ambulances?" he shouted downward to her. She nodded her consent and ran off to help Lydia. He looked around and sighed. "Alright, can we call them back?"  
  
"No," the man from the previous conversation yelled to him. "We're swamped as it is."  
  
"Get them back here!" Carter shouted. "If they get taken over there, they might - "  
  
"I'm aware of the situation! We're not calling them to turn around."  
  
"Damn it," Carter said. He climbed down from the ambulance roof again and began to walk through the crowds, shouting commands as he rounded them inside. He was pointing every direction, with a voice directed to many different people.   
  
"Carter," Abby said from behind him.   
  
He continued his instructions for a second, then turned around to see her.   
  
"Some guy wants you to have this," she said, handing him a walkie. "He's on channel four."  
  
"What about you?"  
  
"What about me?"  
  
"You're my assistant," he said.  
  
"Since when?"  
  
"Since always," he shouted. The noise was worse with three children with lacerations, as a parent on a gurney refused treatment. "Go get one yourself. Come back in here with me."  
  
She nodded with a sure smile and turned away. She was amazing, he thought.  
  
"Romano!"  
  
He turned around and met Carter's face. "Yeah?"  
  
"How's Lewis?" he asked.  
  
"Fine," he said. "She just got knocked out a little, but she's still got a broken leg and arm. Otherwise, she'll be fine."  
  
How this was fine, he didn't know. But he nodded anyway, setting it aside for a moment.  
  
"You're in charge," Romano said. "Good luck." With that, he attended to the rest of the patients all arguing behind him.   
  
"Dr. Carter," the walkie buzzed. It was Abby.  
  
"Abby?"  
  
"What do we do with our casualties?" she said.   
  
--  
  
-me 


	26. Freezing Waters, Part Six

Here, again.  
  
--  
  
"Dr. Carter," the walkie buzzed. It was Abby.  
  
"Abby?"  
  
"What do we do with out casualties?" she said.  
  
-  
  
"She's out," Abby said when he came near her. "We couldn't get her inside, so this is what happens. We *need* to get these people inside, Carter."  
  
"I'm working on it," he said. He turned to the doors to see everyone pretty much working to follow his instructions. "Look at that!"  
  
Abby turned to the door as well. "Thank God. Help me with some of these," she said.   
  
They each took a gurney to their side and pulled it through the doors, then went back to get more.   
  
Halfway on their third round, Abby stopped with a groan.   
  
"Abby?"  
  
Her eyes were closed, as she stooped over herself in the middle of the lot. She stood up, obviously uncomfortable and tried desperately to shrug it off. "Sorry - "  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
"I'm fine," she insisted. "Come on."  
  
"Abby," he said, "the baby."  
  
"I'm fine, Carter," she said. "Let's go."  
  
She was ahead of him as he nodded. He picked up the walkie and held it to his mouth. "Are all of Sacred Heart's ambulances on their way?" he asked as he and Abby headed back to the ER with their gurneys in hand. There were only a few left now outside.   
  
"Every one of them," the man on the other side shouted back. "But Mercy's dying."  
  
"What?" he asked.  
  
"I said," the man fuzzed through, "that Mercy? It's gone. Blew up four minutes ago. ER, ICU -"  
  
Carter didn't listen to the rest. He saw Abby looking at him, not believing what she'd just heard. She focused her gaze on him a little while longer, until she became aware of the gurney behind her. She moved toward it to carry it to the ER, but on her way, she stopped to speak to Carter.  
  
"We just had a few more casualties," she remarked, referring fiercely to the patients they'd sent to Mercy. "Who in the hell blows up hospitals?"  
  
Carter shook his head in his hand. He helped Abby take the gurney to the doors, but again she stopped.  
  
"Abby, what is it?  
  
"Nothing," she stammered. "I tripped."  
  
He looked at her, knowing it was a lie. But she nodded, indicating that he continue his work. They stormed through the ER with the last gurney.   
  
It was a mess inside. Everything was being thrown around and people were shouting at every volume. It was impossible to hear anything anyone was saying. There were five nurses shouting into phones at the desk for more supplies.   
  
Abby doubled over again and cried out.  
  
Carter pulled Chuny over and told her where to go with the gurney quickly. He went over to Abby, but again, she held her hand in the air. "I'm fine, Carter. Must have been something I ate - "  
  
"Oh, God, Abby," he said. "It wasn't something you ate. You can't be here."   
  
"Yes," she said, straightening herself out. "I want to be here."  
  
"You okay, Abby?" someone shouted.   
  
"Yeah," she answered, to nobody. "Come on, Carter. Let's go."  
  
The TV was on in the corner, distracting nobody for a second, but it caught Abby's eye. She pulled Carter's arm and pointed to the screen. Mercy was in flames with hundreds of people running around outside. Everyone there was crying, shouting, or going crazy. Literally.  
  
"Carter," Jerry said from behind.  
  
He turned around with Abby to see Jerry running toward them as fast as he could. "Jerry."  
  
"Sacred Heart's gone, too," he said.  
  
"What?" Carter screamed. "You aren't serious!"  
  
Jerry nodded.  
  
"What the hell," Abby began, but looked down to cut off her own thoughts.  
  
"Oh, my God," Carter said. "Well, are they all coming here?"  
  
Jerry shook his head. "DuPage Medical Center outside of Bloomingdale, a suburb."  
  
He nodded. "Thank God." He looked down to the tile. All of the other times he stared at it, he'd focused on the yellowing spaces, and tonight he did the same. A cold hand ran down the back of his hair, and it took him a second to realize it was his.   
  
The noise was starting to die down as things became more settled. While there were still ambulances arriving from Mercy, staff from other parts of the hospitals and even some survivors from a few of the other hospital staffs were helping out. Carter was excused along with a few nurses to "take a much needed break." Abby, however, even in her condition was assisting with incoming patients.  
  
He'd walked to the lounge, where it was thankfully empty. He sighed aloud, and buried his face into his hands. The world was spinning, and he couldn't feel what he was standing on. Without witnessing the entrance, there was already a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"Dr. Carter," she said.  
  
"Hey, Chuny," he said, attempting to sound casual, but coming out too tensely. She smiled warmly toward him and crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Crazy, isn't it?"  
  
She nodded. "Insane," she said, looking into space. With his head hung, he knew she was watching him. She sighed and said, "Abby's pregnant; I don't know why they're making her work now. I'd be happy to swap my break with her if you want to be with her now."  
  
"What?"  
  
She shook her head as he looked up at her. She smiled and said, "I know there's something between you two. Don't care what you say, Carter, it's there. And it'll be there; you'll see." He just stared at her. "I'll go get her."  
  
"Chuny," he said, standing, "thank you."  
  
She nodded. "No problem."  
  
The door swung shut and again he was waiting in silence. His feet pointed directly to nowhere and he was now aware of how sore they were. He bent down to them and pressed them, as if to release the pain through pressure. Again, he sighed and crossed his arms across his chest as he brought himself back to level.  
  
"Hey," a soft voice sounded from the front of the room. She was smiling, with her hands resting on her round stomach. She looked down at it, then back to him. "How are you?"  
  
"How do you think?" he laughed. But, again, the laugh was store-bought. It wasn't real. The only raw emotion in between them was the one they couldn't recognize. She frowned and nodded. "I'm sorry," he said, "I-I'll just be in a better mood when this is all over."  
  
She nodded again. "Almost all of our patients are stable, and we're not getting anymore from Mercy," she sighed. "So every patient we have as of now all the patients we'll have. From this crisis so far."  
  
"So far?" he asked, his head bowed. It was definite fear talking now. But, he was John Carter. Right now, every doctor, nurse and patient was looking to him right now in the ER.  
  
She sat down on the couch and glided over to him. She rested a hand on his, then kpiled another onto the given heap. She sighed and reached up to take his face. He looked at her, and she stared right back. Faces inches from the other, she whispered, "We aren't next are we?"  
  
It was like the moment of truth. But, the *truth* was that he had no idea. She knew it, but she was looking to him. He had to help her. And no matter what he said, it wouldn't work for anyone. But there was something about Abby. No matter what he said, he knew it would work for her.  
  
"I don't know what's gonna happen with County," he said, with a sigh.  
  
Still with her head an inch away, she bowed her head and closed her eyes. He quickly lifted it again and brought her stare to his. She looked at him with surprise and watched him hopefully.  
  
With a brush of his thumb against her cheek affectionately, he said, "But we, me and you - we're gonna be fine."  
  
She held her eyes to his, taking in everything in such a small amount of time. He wouldn't take his eyes away until she did. He vowed then.  
  
With her eyes closed, she leaned into his chest. He didn't know what to do, and before he could realize it, he instinctively took his arm around her. He stroked her back and hugged her lightly.  
  
--  
  
The whole "we aren't next are we" thing. Yeah, don't think I copied "Lockdown," please! ;) I felt it was kind of needed somewhere. This one didn't end with a kiss, though. Unfortunately. 


	27. Freezing Waters, Part Seven

Heeeeere you go.  
  
--  
  
"Abby," he said, seeing her as she collapsed into the chair next to his. He went to her side, worried but not showing it. He took her hand and whispered near her hidden face in her hands, "Abby, are you having contractions?"  
  
She shook her head immediately, violently.  
  
"Yes," he said. "Yes you are. Do you really want to put your baby in jeopardy like this, Abby? You know its not good for him."  
  
"A little longer won't do anything," she insisted.  
  
"Abby," he argued gently, "you're a nurse. You can't be this stupid."  
  
"Its just pain," she said. "Nothing more, nothing less."  
  
He grabbed her shoulders as she began to sink into the cushion. He eased her against him and stood her up.   
  
"Oh, my God," she said.  
  
"What?"  
  
"It just hurts," she said. "I knew it would, I just never thought it would hurt this much - "  
  
It was stupid of her to hold on like this. "Abby, no one is going to ask for your help when you're like this. You've done enough work for today. Believe me, you did an amazing job today. Amazing."  
  
She shrugged. "It isn't fair for him is it? The baby?" She didn't wait for his answer and started to the door, holding her back. "I know it isn't. I don't want him to get hurt."  
  
He nodded and helped her out of the room.  
  
"I'll call upstairs and book a room in the OB," she said, beginning toward the desk. "Wish me luck," she added with a laugh. She made her way cautiously to the telephone, wading through the mess in front of the desk.  
  
"What? No, why I can't I go with you?"   
  
"You don't wanna go," she laughed. "And they need you down here."  
  
"Weaver's up," he pointed out. "They're fine. I want to be with you." He shook his head. "I want to be there for you."  
  
She looked at him. Complete desire flooded his own eyes as he watched her breathe slowly.  
  
"Okay," she said with a shy smile. "You don't mind?"  
  
"I want to," he said. Of all moments, this was the time they were sharing that glance. The glance that had held them one too many times together. He suddenly felt awkward in the midst of the pleasure, and fished himself from it. "For your sake, I mean."  
  
She shook her head. "They *need* you," she said. She picked up the phone at the desk and dialed the OB extension at once. She smiled at him, closed her eyes to deal with the pain and began speaking too quietly for him to hear. Her expression was a nervous one, and he knew that it was more of the situation at County then what was about the happen to her.  
  
He just looked at the floor. He surveyed the collection of staff they had down in the ER now. Corday, Romano, Gallant, Pratt, a disturbing Weaver and a few more. They were secure here, right?  
  
She hung up the phone. "Delivery room 206," she said with a suggestive smile. "See you later. Come by and visit us - "  
  
"Abby," he said, "quit it. I'm going in there with you. Please?" He grabbed her arm gently, to reason with her. "Would you be uncomfortable or something - "  
  
"No," she said. "Its just, um," she shook her head and pushed away. "Yeah, um, they need you down here."  
  
"They're fine, Abby." He reached her again and pulled her around. He held her shoudlers and looked into her eyes to persuade her. "We've been floating nurses and gathered doctors from the ICU, OR and, like, everywhere else."  
  
She breathed out and closed her eyes. "Okay," she said. "If you feel that you really want to do this - "  
  
"I do," he interrupted her. "Let's go."  
  
What should have been a minute's walk to the elevators had turned into a ten minute fight through ER's own mess of hell. The shouting of all patients, nurses, doctors and even heart monitors was overwhelming. It was becoming increasingly difficult for Abby to walk. He held her hand and at one point draped her arm around his shoulders to give her more support.  
  
An explosion rocked the floor they stood on. Abby shook and almost fell against him, but like Carter, took her balance on a nearby gurney. Her head and his snapped around, to the main entrance near the desk.   
  
There was a fire roaring from the doors. It had swallowed the entire opening in acute flames. He looked back to Abby and squeezed her shoulder before running off toward the doors.  
  
"Carter!" she screamed.  
  
Everyone around him was shouting ihs name, or shouting at one another. They had all noticed the sudden blaze, foreign standing in the doorway. He was rushing to it, as firefighters and paramedics already stationed inside pondered its appearance.  
  
"Carter," Chuny shouted.  
  
He saw in the midst of the fire a figure. Someone lying on the floor, between the set of doors. He searched the fire for nothing in particular. He swallowed, heard Abby's voice again behind him as he leapt into the flames.  
  
"Carter!" she gasped.  
  
It was a blur. A red-orange blur that stung his skin and burned his eyes. In one swift movement, he caught the apparent child on the ground and carried him roughly to the lobby.  
  
The face was charred, as was his clothes, but the boy was a child. His clothes were blackened sadly, stained with gray. He squeezed his eyes together to relieve the heat from his body and the sharp, annoying pain in his eyes.   
  
He placed the boy on the floor, a few safe meters away from the entrance. Abby rushed to his side, and hugged his neck, attempting to look into his eyes. But Carter was distracted by the boy in front of him.  
  
"Carter," Abby said, "Oh, my God, Carter."  
  
"What's going on?" Gallant said, running to them. "There was an explosion."  
  
"This kid was in the doorway when it happened," Haleh said. She motioned over to the firefighters by the doors. "While they just stare at the fire," she rolled her eyes, "should we move the rest of the patients into the hallways, away from the fire?"  
  
He nodded, checking the boy for any signs of life, which he highly doubted. "Get them over in the trauma hallways, there are still some openings in the exam romms over there. Curtain areas are bigger if we get rid of the curtains, Haleh." He became frustrated with the boy's shirt and ripped it open. He placed a hand under the top and onto his chest. Then to his neck.  
  
"Whoa, wait a second," Carter said.  
  
"What?" Abby asked, showing concern in her eyes.   
  
"This kid's alive," he said. He listened closer to the child's face and nodded. "He's breathing. He's barely there, but he's breathing. We need to get this kid in a trauma!"  
  
Abby nodded and waved to the nearest person. Pratt rushed to the child's side. Carter instructed him on the situation, although it was hardly necessary. Seeing as everyone had noticed Carter's heroic measures.  
  
Pratt was listening to Carter's directions as Abby ran to his side. She grabbed his arm, to which he responded by giving her a questioning look. He demanded an answer to his behavior by the way he looked at her.  
  
"That's a bomb, Carter!" she shouted. There was a gasp as she gestured to the belt on the boy's waist.  
  
--  
  
Next chapter [b]slightly[/b] (lol) larger. 


	28. Freezing Waters, Part Eight

Carter's jaw dropped as his fingers fumbled with the belt, and the small black box connected to it. He handed the boy to Pratt, who accepted him unexpectedly. He worriedly unattached it from the belt and grabbed it. He ran to the entrance and threw it out the door.   
  
It was just like a scene from an action drama movie. It blew up midair. He breathed out, watching the sudden burst with a shudder. There were even more workers now screaming at him, upset with his decision.  
  
He threw his hand to the direction of the door and shouted back. They were quickly engulfed in their own argument. Abby appeared at his side and hugged his waist. She came between the two parties, and Carter felt her tense against him. While his opponent raged on, he looked down at her. His arms slowly came around her small body and hugged her back.  
  
Eyes closed against her mess of hair, he breathed in and looked out to the doorway. He clutched her waist tighter again, nodded in a blank goodbye. They still managed to scream the regulations at him, even following him, as he took Abby to his side and began their way to the elevator.  
  
He yet kept their voices from his head, not allowing the men behind him to catch up. He could feel her hand in his and he wanted to hold it forever. He felt like this was it, like this was what he was there at that moment for.  
  
And he felt like this was the end...  
  
  
  
---  
  
He felt like this was the end. The end of it. All.  
  
---  
  
He snapped back into reality. He suddenly became aware of his dampened forehead, and it was only becoming worse. He feverishly attempted to sweep it away with a barely trembling hand. He looked down to her face.  
  
Mane of that chocolate hair, still framing her face. As always, and those eyes. The captivating, nearly tantalizing eyes. The chestnut eyes that had managed to capture him one too many times, but it was something he had never grown tired of. Something he could never, and would never. Ever.  
  
Her small body hardly leaning against his. Rather, her short form. The slender shape of her arms finding their way to snake themselves around his. His eyes fell to the one hand in his hold, as her other joined it. Searching for comfort, something he barely imagined he could give her now.  
  
Her hand traced his arm worriedly down to his hand. He turned to see her face, as he gripped her hand and held it higher. He saw her wince with her pain.  
  
"You okay?" he asked, stopping.  
  
She shrugged. "In which way?"  
  
He stared at her until she turned away. He nodded to himself and walked on, still holding onto her hand.  
  
They reached the elevators and stepped inside. It was empty, thankfully, and as soon as it had taken off Abby had sat on the floor.  
  
"You okay?" Carter asked, startled and stooping to her level on the floor.  
  
"Yeah," she said, her eyes closed. She breathed out and said, "This hurts." She put her hands in her face to cover her expression from him.   
  
"How far along do you think you are?" he asked. Stupid phrasing. "How long has it been?"  
  
"I guess it probably started this morning," she said.  
  
"At home?" he asked, surprised. "Why didn't you say anything?"  
  
"I didn't think that it was real," she said. "It felt like a false alarm."  
  
"You don't know when you're having a false alarm," he said. "So, therefore, it should've felt real."  
  
  
She shook her head and let it hang toward the ground. She breathed out and stared back up at him. Her eyes were sadly empty. That one thing had been bothering her for a full nine months had taken its toll even now, or rather even more apparently now.  
  
"I want to thank you," she said, breathing out deeply in attempt to defeat the oncoming pain. "I have to thank you."  
  
He looked hard at her. He tried to soften his gaze. He didn't know whether it would make a difference. He didn't know why he was so afraid of the outcome.  
  
"Why?"  
  
Swallowing as if to flush pain away, she turned her head alone to look at the wall to her left. He felt like reaching out for her hand again. Just to help her. If he could. He doubted that.  
  
"You've helped me," she said softly, "like no one's ever done for me before."  
  
His eyes were cast upon her face again. It was trembling, obviously, and her hands were twisting together, as always. They always would.  
  
"I never opened up to anyone the way I did to you before," she said quickly, knowing that it wasn't like herself to say something so revealing. Her eyes were raised to his for an instant as she opened her mouth to speak, then diverted once again to her lap. She stammered, "I've never cried to anyone like that. I don't like to cry."  
  
He opened his mouth as well, but she continued.  
  
"You know it," she said. "And that's why I did it. Because you know me."  
  
Eyes again. The stare.  
  
"Better than anyone."  
  
He sighed softly and thought to say something. Never mind.  
  
"Abby, no - "  
  
"Why?" she asked quietly. She shook her head and said, "Thank you."  
  
He contemplated his answer. Whether he had one or not, he didn't know.  
  
Improvisation.   
  
To say what he felt.  
  
That he did.   
  
"You're welcome."  
  
She began a smile, but it was interrupted with another yelp of pain.  
  
"False alarm," he chuckled.   
  
"Well, it didn't feel strong enough." She breathed out, then called out in pain. Carter took her hand, which she gripped enthusiastically. "That," she breathed. She couldn't finish it. "Contraction."  
  
"Oh, God," he said. He held her hand and led her through it. Rather than get frustrated and tell him to 'shut up,' like the movies, she listened to his instructions. He nodded his head and stroked her damp hair in encouragement. "You sure?"  
  
"Yeah," she said sarcastically. "I'm pretty sure, Carter."  
  
She let her head fall back. The elevator jerked as she started in again.  
  
"What was that?" she asked between breaths. She held his hand tighter.  
  
"Damn elevator stopped," he said. "Probably the explosion downstairs." He beat the wall with his fist. "Damn it!"  
  
"Oh God," she said. "Can you call someone? Use the phone right there!"  
  
"Yeah," he answered, accepting her idea. He moved toward the phone and came to a halt in front of it.  
  
"What?" she asked, out of breath. "What is it?"  
  
"Someone detached the thing," he said, upset. He held up the phone, the frayed cord falling shortly. "And I take it that was planned. Most likely by the same damn person who started this whole thing." He hit the doors now. "Damn it!"  
  
Another idea came to his mind.  
  
"My walkie's in the lounge," he said with pure disappointment. "Crap."  
  
"Mine, too," she breathed. "Carter," she said. "I can't have the baby in here." She shook her head, violently, nervously. "I can't."  
  
John shook his head as well and came closer to her. "Someone will know we're in here. You booked the room in the OB."  
  
"So?" she asked, panting. He reached up to clear her forehead of fast sweat as she said, "What are they going to do?"  
  
He opened his mouth but nothing came out for a second. "I-I bet they'll just page us. Or something."  
  
She laughed a phony giggle and said, "Yeah, that'll save our lives for sure. Pagers give us the ability to jump through doors - "  
  
"We aren't going to die," he said.   
  
"You don't know that," she answered.  
  
The room became quiet. Her answer hadn't been a cautious, or a quiet one. They both were finally coming to understand that it was a definite possibility. He sighed heavily, and almost apologized. He grew afraid of worrying her.   
  
For once her expression was strong.  
  
"You aren't scared?"  
  
She pouted and said, "What can we do?"  
  
He squinted, attempting to deal with the heat. "That's all you can say?"  
  
"Carter," she said, slightly louder. "What can I do now? I'm not saying I want to die, but is there anything we can really do?"  
  
He shrugged, realizing barely. "Pray?" he suggested with another shrug.  
  
She giggled quietly to her lap. "That's a extremely cliché answer."  
  
He chuckled as well, a true laugh. The only one he could remember from that day. He could barely remember that night.  
  
He knew that was a lie. He remembered it all as if were minutes ago, and it very well could have been to his knowledge, no matter how long the night had been in reality.  
  
He remembered another day. That fateful day that had changed his life. And only now did he realize that it had indeed changed his life. Only right now, watching her in front of him...  
  
-  
  
"Why Luka, Abby?" he said, light tears starting from his eyes. He hugged her tighter, closing his eyes when her hair surrounded him. "Why not me?"  
  
She cried on. "God, you're my best, my best friend. I love you, John." She reached up without looking at him. Touching his lips, then his cheek while her face was still buried in his chest. "Too much."  
  
He breathed out, considering the words in disbelief. "I love you." His tears came harder now, not sure if they were still of sorrow, or of a different feeling. "God, Abby. I love you."  
  
-  
  
He shuddered at that thought. He didn't want to think of it. He watched her for another minute. Her eyes were barely open, and were closing sporadically. He became frightened and went to her side.  
  
"Just tired," she said with a small smile. "You mind if I take a nap?"   
  
He smiled back. "Lie down then."  
  
"Not very comfortable." She pointed to the floor. "Against the corner."  
  
He shook his head and scooted even closer to her. As if reading the other's mind, and without a thought in their mind, they came together. She rested against him, and Carter slipped his arm around her. It felt natural, and neither thought for a second about it.  
  
Carter was aware of it, sure. But it was inborn. Instinct, maybe.  
  
--  
  
Hmmmm.... looks like we're heading to the thirty chapter mark... =) Hope you're enjoying it as much as I am. (lol) This was my favorite fic to write.   
  
See how long this one was? Usually not that long with me.  
  
Another thing: I've been getting a lot of crap about how Abby and Carter are so OOC. First of all, please point me in the right direction, tell me what's wrong with Carter in my story, because I assumed I had him close enough. But, I know Abby is different. Again, as I have said before, the situation is different than normally displayed on the show. In case you haven't been paying attention, she's *hiding* something. Understand this, and perhaps if its revealed, you'll all get it.  
  
-me 


	29. Freezing Waters, Part Nine

Well, hello there! Haven't seen you all in a while!  
  
I'm gonna quit the quack. It'll kill the mood.   
  
  
  
--  
  
  
  
Carter watched Abby stir in her position. She was in pain, clearly. Her hands were drawn to his lap where her head rested. Carter stared at every small movement she made and listened to every small sound she emitted.  
  
Finally, she woke up. She looked around, her eyes darting feverishly. Her face was painted red with sweat as she swayed weakly in the chamber's discomfort.  
  
"It wasn't just a nightmare."  
  
Carter sat in silence at stared at the spot where her face had been lying just a minute ago. She ultimately joined him leaning against him for support. She wasn't requesting comfort now. The baby was coming, he knew it. He knew she wouldn't want it to be this way, but he was about to tell her.  
  
"Abby," he said, rubbing her shoulder.  
  
Her eyes were shadowed in deep circles, and her cheeks weren't so lifted as they had once been. "What?"  
  
"I don't think we're going to get out of this thing in time for the baby to be born upstairs."  
  
She put her head in her hands. "What's going to happen to him?"  
  
Carter wondered if she was crying. He couldn't see her face, but it seemed like it. She was quiet now, but Carter had always suspected someone like her to cry without a single noise. That's the way she was.  
  
"I can deliver him, Abby."  
  
"No," she whimpered, throwing her head back suddenly and letting out a pained moan.  
  
"What?"  
  
Her eyes squeezed shut, sweat returning unpleasantly, she notified him of the contraction.  
  
"God," he said. He really would have to deliver the baby. He forgot everything he ever learned...  
  
"John!"  
  
...and remembered it all in an instant. He lifted her shoulders slightly and placed her against the back wall. She barely moved, unable to help. Instead she complied, not able to whine or protest. Rough tears of pain, not grief, pounded down her face in competition. She was suffering. The heat, the pain, the fear of their fate.  
  
"How far along do you think you are?"  
  
She couldn't answer.  
  
"I'm going to have to take off some of your clothes, Abby - "  
  
She didn't protest once again. She waved him off with a strong nod. It was urging. She wanted to get this over with. He began to peel necessary layers of clothing from her body, the obvious discomfort revealed as the cloth was torn from clinging to her skin.  
  
"Eight centimeters," he sighed.  
  
"No," she whimpered again. "John, please. There's got to be something you can do..." her voice spoke like a child's, cracking here and there. Sweet and pained. He reached out and stroked her hair. It was matted against her face. She heaved on watching his eyes as he pulled her hair from her face.  
  
"I can't," he said gently. "You know that. He's going to be fine. You'll deliver, and you'll get to hold him and everything - "  
  
She shook her head and let it arch back, falling against the wall behind her. She drew in a sharp breath between another fit of heavy tears and braced herself, hands on the floor.  
  
"Please," she whispered.  
  
He guessed she was asking about the pain. But, with Abby, there was always more.  
  
He pulled her face to his shoulder and held it there. She pulled one arm around his neck and shoulder until she couldn't hang on anymore. Her arm dropped to his lap and she signed another cry again.  
  
  
--  
  
  
"I think its seriously coming this time," she said, lifting herself from his comfortable arms.  
  
Carter nodded. "I think so, too."  
  
He performed the same procedure and nodded. "Ten centimeters. Ready?"  
  
"Are you sure?" she whined to a sob, her voice strewn with intensified pain. The last hour had been a grueling one. He'd tried to keep her focused on something other than the obvious situation, but not much came to mind.   
  
He nodded. "You tell me when you're ready to push," he instructed calmly.  
  
"Oh, God," she said, her head moving from side to side. Her eyes were closed again, hiding everything. She bit her lip nervously and nodded, another burst of tears. "Fine. Okay."  
  
"Ready?"  
  
"Yeah," she said.  
  
The next ten minutes were difficult. Abby was having a hard time. He wished there was something he could do, but he'd run out of ideas. She was giving birth to her son in a hospital elevator. Her friend was delivering the baby. The hospital could be blown to pieces in any minute ahead, and they could never leave alive.  
  
And a baby was about to be brought into this world.   
  
"Carter," she said suddenly.  
  
The heat was bearing down on him. His shirt was beginning to stick to his chest and he couldn't see anything of the baby.   
  
"Carter," she repeated.   
  
Carter couldn't answer her. He thought he saw the baby's head surfacing, but he wasn't for sure.  
  
"I want to name the baby John Truman."  
  
He looked up at her in surprise. "What?"  
  
"I want to name the baby John Truman."  
  
His head turned from left to right and then he came the smallest bit closer to her. "What? Why?"  
  
"I," she began, crying too hard now, "I want to name him after his father."  
  
Something struck him. Something besides surprise. It hit him with such force that he didn't know what to do. He sat there and watched her gasp for air. He shook his head and ignored what she said, settling back into position. He didn't believe a single word she'd said now, and he didn't believe anything had really happened in the last hours. It was a dream, or a nightmare. But, with Abby's words, he wasn't sure if he could label this dream a 'nightmare' really -   
  
The baby was crowning.   
  
"He's crowning," Carter exclaimed.  
  
Abby, realizing that he wouldn't answer her on this thought, bit her lip and looked at him. Into his eyes. Carter caught view of this and stared at her, questioning her expression by looking like stone. She chewed on her bottom lip and continued to cry. He wondered how cold his stare really was.  
  
"I'm sorry - "  
  
"Just push," Carter said. He forced a comforting smile and nodded. She sensed that it wasn't a real grin, but went ahead with her duties anyway. Her eyes shut and she pushed. She yelped in pain and kept crying.  
  
He encouraged her, as fully as he could, while considering these drifting words. He honestly couldn't remember if she'd said them. Or if they were real. He waited for her to say something again, knowing very well she wouldn't. He didn't know if he should believe her.   
  
But this was Abby. His best friend. The woman he could fall in love with, had he had a choice. He wanted to hold her all the time and wished he was with her. But she'd been closed for the last nine months, silent and holding every thought to herself and from him.   
  
Was this why?  
  
There was a short cry, piercing the air that stopped everything. Carter's world was a blur. He barely noticed Abby falling back down to the wall, breathing heavily and sharply. The only thing he could hear was the baby in his arms, crying for all he could.  
  
He.  
  
A boy. A baby boy. He was so small. And so innocent. He had no idea of the world of turmoil he'd been born into. Why him? His hands were tightly bound into tiny fists, wailing about. He was shaking. Dumbly, Carter found the strength to remove his own shirt and wrap it around the baby boy.   
  
He saw Abby draw a shaking hand to her mouth. "Is he okay?" she whimpered.  
  
Carter continued to stare at this little boy. "Yeah," he whispered. "Do you want to hold him."  
  
She looked up at him, as Carter finally and painfully tore his eyes away from the baby. She nodded quietly and accepted the baby from him. Carter didn't want to give him up, he found. He didn't want to let go of him.  
  
"Congratulations," he said, his voice just above a murmur. He looked on lovingly next to Abby, to the baby in her arms. She straightened the shirt around him and rocked him gently, still crying.  
  
"Thank you," she said, beginning to cry a little harder. "He's yours."  
  
Carter looked at her. She stared back up at him.  
  
"I don't think - "  
  
"I lied because I was scared," she said, tears rushing. "That's why Luka left. I told him about that night and he went ballistic. That's probably why he hurt you in the first place - "  
  
"Shh," Carter whispered gently, still frozen in the middle of nowhere. He placed a hand on the back of her head and combed her hair slowly.   
  
"I'm so sorry," she said tearfully. "I wanted to tell you. I knew I would, but I couldn't do it so soon."  
  
"Is he really mine?"  
  
Abby looked up at him. Carter wasn't smiling. Neither was Abby. But she looked back down at the baby in her arms and nodded, feverishly.  
  
"Thankfully, yes." She bent down and kissed the baby's forehead. Carter watched as she did so, all the while his mind slowly easing back into existence.   
  
"Do you want to hold him?" She wiped her eyes on her shoulder. The question stung him in a different way.  
  
He had a son.  
  
"Yes," he said, taking the baby from her. She nodded exhaustedly and lifted him up for Carter to take. His lips were hardly parted in awe as he realized he was holding his baby boy. His son. He fit perfectly into his arms now. Everything about this little creation was perfect. His head was bare, except for the slightest traces of golden brown hair. He was so incredibly soft; his skin was perfect. He had long since closed his eyes. He pouted in his sleep and turned his head to the side, finding comfort in Carter's arm. The baby sighed in his sleep and puffed his little cheeks out. Barely.  
  
"He's beautiful," Carter murmured.   
  
Abby laughed for the first time in a while, that he could remember. Then she stared back into her lap. "Are you mad at me?"  
  
He considered his answer. He'd wished he had known sooner, sure. He wanted to do all of the normal things a father would do during a pregnancy.  
  
But it hit him: other than being with the mother of his baby, he had done everything. He'd been with her, witnessed the first time he kicked, been there with the sonogram. He helped her through the pain and the tears, and did more than most fathers do: he delivered his son.  
  
"No," he said to his own disbelief.  
  
Abby sighed with a shy smile. "So," she whimpered, "then will you kiss me?"  
  
Carter was sure these words weren't spoken. But with a baby in his arms and Abby so close next to him, he bent down to kiss her. Short but sweet. Gentle with every feeling he had ever had for her, during these last cruel nine months so far apart from her. She eagerly responded, smiling against his mouth.  
  
When they separated, neither said a word. He continued to soothe the baby, smoothing down the shirt around his body and allowed his mother to fall asleep against his shoulder.  
  
  
--  
  
  
Surprised? ;) I had a feeling some of you knew...  
  
manda- 


	30. Freezing Waters, Part Ten

He didn't know how he was supposed to feel about her.   
  
But he didn't focus on that. There was a little baby in his arms. The most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. This baby with deep brown eyes that he had seen open five minutes ago. His skin was softer than anything he had ever felt before.  
  
With this child in his arms, anything was possible. The last thing imaginable had happened; it was straight from a happy ending. He wasn't prepared to be a father, he thought. But this baby changed everything in his life for the better. He didn't think at all about what someone at County would say, what his grandmother or parents would think, or anyone else's opinion.  
  
He had a son. He was perfect. Every once in a while, Carter felt the need to count his ten little fingers, ten little toes. Each one of them was tender to the touch. Each one of them looked so pale and helpless. The baby pouted simply in his sleep and looked so innocent.  
  
Abby was asleep against his shoulder still. This baby had been born, Carter guessed, ten minutes ago. He reached over, carefully balancing the baby in one arm, to Abby's wrist. She had a watch. The time read 4:34.  
  
All of this had happened in such little time. It seemed like much longer. It seemed like days since he'd enjoyed the warmth of his bed, or the simple things he'd taken for granted. Coffee, for example.  
  
The baby shifted again against his chest. He choked on a small yelp against the cloth. Carter soothed him softly, "Shh..."  
  
The baby breathed out through the small lips stuck into a frown. Carter reached up to his forehead and smoothed the infant's skin, attempting to send him back to a slumber. He succeeded; the baby sighed and his head turned to the side.  
  
Carter caught a smile trip across his face. The corner of his eyes burned with a weary grin. He reached up again to run a soft thumb down the baby's cheek, tracing his skin to remember this moment for a long time.  
  
A very long time. He didn't think he could forget, however. He knew that this was something he would never, ever forget. It was the biggest, and most pleasant surprise of his life.  
  
Suddenly, the baby stirred and his eyes opened again. Carter chuckled quietly. The baby was restless. If he was hungry, he'd have to wake Abby up. He'd only resort to that in at least thirty minutes, unless he started crying before that.  
  
His small cry escaped his mouth again. Carter smiled in reply. How was it that he was a father? He had had no time to get ready or this; he didn't know anything about being a dad.   
  
He had wondered back to the news Abby had given him. That was why Luka had gone after him, why he had left, and why she hadn't been herself. Everything had finally come together. Pieces finally fit.  
  
The baby started to squirm in his arms. The heat was unbearable in this elevator. Carter was without a shirt, there was a mess on the floor, and Abby was still without half of her clothes. Not to mention that the baby was naked under a simple scrub top.  
  
"Abby," he shook her arms. "Abby, wake up."  
  
She groggily straightened herself up and looked over to him. "Oh, hi."  
  
"He's hungry," Carter said, wrapping him tighter into the blanket and loosening it at his chin. "You're going to have to feed him."  
  
Abby nodded. She took him from Carter instinctively and pulled her shirt up slightly. "How much longer do you think we can be in here like this?" she asked quietly looking down at her son.  
  
He shrugged. "Look what we did to this place."  
  
"Do you know where we might be if we had just brought that cell phone?"  
  
"It doesn't matter," he reminded her, his head resting against the back of the elevator. Lazily, he tilted it to the side and closed his eyes. "The phone mess up the hospital's system."  
  
"It wouldn't matter now," she repeated. "The elevator's stopped, there's a bomb downstairs somewhere - "  
  
"Yeah, true."  
  
They sat in silence again. Carter cracked his knuckles against his chest with two hands and sighed.  
  
"Tired?"  
  
Carter laughed, "I delivered your kid - "  
  
"I wish you wouldn't say that," she whispered. "He's not just mine."  
  
Carter nodded. It still hadn't settled. "It doesn't feel like he is," he said, just as quietly. "You have to understand. I was convinced, I had just come to terms with the fact that he was Luka's."  
  
Abby nodded slowly. "Okay." She sniffled and sighed. "I'm sorry, I should have told you. That was a big mistake on my part. I know it is."  
  
"Yeah," Carter agreed, looking up at her. Abby met his eyes and swallowed hard. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."  
  
"I didn't ask you to be involved - "  
  
"That's not what I mean, Abby," he said gently. "I want to be involved if he's my son."  
  
She bit her lip and nodded.   
  
"I don't know how I'm supposed to feel now," he said. "I'm happy, don't get me wrong. I have a baby."  
  
Abby continued to stare at the newborn.  
  
"I just don't know where to go from here," he said.  
  
"Me either," she answered quickly. "But, hey - "  
  
He looked up.  
  
"You believe me, right?" She put her shirt down and wrapped the baby's temporary blanket around his chest tightly.  
  
"He doesn't look like Luka," Carter smiled. He let his hand linger on the baby's small body.  
  
"Yeah," Abby said, the smallest giggle emitted from her mouth. "Do you love him?"  
  
Carter didn't tear his eyes from the baby's. "I love him."  
  
She wiped her eyes. "God, me, too."  
  
The baby blinked into another deep sleep, falling away to peace. Oddly enough, that peace was the exact opposite of what he'd been born into: chaos. The two of them watch the baby lay quietly in her arms. He snored softly, bringing a short laugh from Abby.  
  
"How is he so perfect?"  
  
Carter shook his head and watched Abby smile further at the baby's image there. His eyes went back to the baby's form. He would never tire of watching this baby sleep. Or smile. Or eat. He began to wonder when he would first smile, or speak, or walk. When he would scoot across the floor on his stomach for the first time. When he would say "Daddy" or "Mommy."  
  
"Were you serious about his name?"  
  
Abby laughed. "You get to choose, too, you know."  
  
"You did all the hard work."  
  
"I don't know about that."  
  
Silence streamed between the two and rung in their ears. The baby they looked at was so innocent, and so new. Carter let a finger fall into the baby's palm; the infant's fingers wrapped around Carter's finger in his sleep.  
  
He was a dad.  
  
  
  
--  
  
  
  
"Jonathan Truman," she repeated quietly.  
  
"And he's the fourth one," he smiled. Abby giggled and rocked the baby tenderly close to her.   
  
All at once there was a sharp beating at the door above them. The baby started to cry, then began to scream. Abby shushed him, and in a moment's time, he was quieted. Carter yelled up toward the door, "Hey!"  
  
"Is someone down there?"  
  
"We have an hour-old infant down here!"  
  
"How's the mother?"  
  
"She's fine," Carter shouted, his voice suddenly weakened and raspy. "We need a blanket down here and some warm water."  
  
"And some scrub pants."  
  
"And some scrubs!"  
  
"Scrubs?"  
  
"Yes," Carter answered, rubbing a hand over her throat.   
  
There was murmuring above them for a second. The men talked among themselves, then they replied,   
  
"Does the mother need any assistance?"  
  
"She could use a wheelchair," he said. "She had a baby an hour ago!"  
  
"Got it!" the man shouted something to the side, out of Carter's hearing. "We're going to try and pry open the door. Who's down there?"  
  
"We're from the ER," he yelled. "Dr. Carter, and a nurse, Abby Lockhart."  
  
"Lockhart?" the man said. "They've been looking for a Lockhart and a Carter for a while."  
  
"I would hope so," he said. "We were on our way up to the OB and we never got there. You'd think they'd pick it up - "  
  
There was another sharp bang on the door. For a while, there was only beating, and at some times machinery was clearly run. The drills, crowbars and others were used to break the door in. Within ten minutes, with a screaming baby inside, their requested items were sent inside: the bag of warm water, set of scrubs for Abby, a blanket, and towels.   
  
Carter took the baby and set it in a bundle of towels as so he could assist Abby in dressing her in the scrubs. She weakly stood up, almost stumbling at first.  
  
"Thank you," she said catching herself. She steadied herself with his shoulders.  
  
"No problem," he said, "Here."  
  
When she was dressed, he set her down back on the floor, where she sighed heavily and breathed out. He handed her the baby, freshly wrapped in the blanket and began to clean the mess on the floor.  
  
"Wait," he interrupted himself. "Use this to clean him up a little."  
  
She nodded quickly, expertly, and wiped his face with one of the extra towels. The baby cooed soft cried until he fell asleep again.  
  
"He's tired," she said, but it was quickly stopped by the men's shout from above.  
  
"Hand the baby up!"  
  
"I think you should get Abby up first," he said, "she's warm. The baby look good."  
  
Abby shook her head. "Are you sure?"  
  
"Yeah, he's okay." He smiled warmly and picked her up. "You did a good job."  
  
She nodded dizzily.  
  
"By the way," one of the men shouted, "is it a boy or a girl? Is it okay?"  
  
"Healthy baby boy," Carter said happily.   
  
There was a short chorus of clapping. "Congratulations."  
  
"Thanks," Carter and Abby said. Abby accepted Carter's help in lifting her through the opening at the top of the elevator. When she was through and had been taken off in the wheelchair, he packed the towels into a pile. Picking up the baby, he slid it upward, reminding the men to support his head.   
  
"Hey, look at 'im," one of the men said. "Adorable." Carter smiled at their comments as he was helped climb up the elevator's door. He looked back for a second at the chamber, then slipped through the opening.  
  
  
  
--  
  
  
  
Hey, here's a shout to "Doug." Thanks for your flame for one of the chapters. Its on my site. Congrats. I was seriously laughing when I read it because you kept reviewing my stories. Now, maybe its just me, but usually if I read something I don't like, I *stop* reading it. :)  
  
manda 


	31. Something New

His eyes focused on the black print on the paper, every word. But he wasn't really reading it. He was staring at the logo located at the top of the section, the Chicago Sun Times. Nothing new to him, something he'd read everyday for a long time. Most of his life as an adult. Nothing new.  
  
But a lot was new now. Maybe not the paper itself, but his paper and coffee routine now seated a second member.  
  
It was warmer that usual in the apartment. The drapes were drawn and the room was dark. It was still only four-thirty in the morning, he saw, as he glanced sideways to the clock resting on the wall above the sink. He sighed in content and shrugged comfortably.  
  
It wasn't hot in the building, but the temperature went wonderfully with cold morning attire: robe, slippers, and flannel. Soft on his skin, they had kept him with a smiling feeling, even through his exhausted field around him.  
  
He sighed again, adjusting the small weight in his arms. Seven pounds and four ounces, a few days ago. The infant obediently took in the liquid being fed to him, as Carter continued to smile slowly. He watched the baby lie there gently, not so much as a single whimper escaping two lips.  
  
He remembered back to the day of his birth, when he'd been so pale. Now, color had flushed throughout his cheeks and body, bringing that once-in-a-lifetime beauty only found in babies. That indescribable perfection it brought.   
  
He'd awaken to the same cries for a few nights now. They were frustrated, but small. Nothing more, and nothing less expected of a baby. This perfect little baby in his arms. Just watching him pout with two tiny fists made him smile, even chuckle lightly at some times.  
  
Abby had been tired. She'd smiled at the same things Carter had felt so delightful, and it was evident, clearly evident, that she loved this baby to death. She had curled up into the easy cushions of the couch numerous times since they had arrived home, and looked at her new son. Just looked at him.  
  
It was hard to do anything else. Carter, if he could, would scoop him up and hug him tightly forever. It was a weird thing, being a dad for the first time. He wondered how you could love something so much. He would see these lines in a movie and disregard them especially. But it was different when he was on the opposite side.  
  
And he loved being on this side. It was amazing that this bundle of blankets and cries could bring someone this much joy, this much love into their eyes when they smiled or laughed.   
  
The baby's head calmly turned away from the bottle. Carter took it as his sign and set the bottle on the table, next to his coffee mug. He kept up with watching himself perform this task, so regular and so innocent, to this child.  
  
He held him against his shoulder, and rubbed his back with a tender hand. In slow, tiny circles. Over and over again. Encouraging, like he'd been for the time he had spent with this newborn.  
  
"You're up early."  
  
He turned his head to the side justly and saw Abby coming toward him, dressed in apparel similar to his. She flashed him a tired, but kind smile and slid into the chair next to him, reaching up to give the baby a kiss on his bare head.  
  
"He was first," Carter replied in a whisper, careful not to disturb the baby now. When the baby had burped once or twice, he brought him back down to his arms and proceeded to rock him leisurely.  
  
"I think he's got a little bit of hair," Abby said, sighing peacefully and fixing her gaze on the two of them.  
  
"A little," he said. Smiling, "Blonde fuzz."  
  
She nodded with a smile and looked toward the paper. "Anything in the news today?"  
  
"Oh, yeah, check this out," he said, sliding the paper to himself with one hand. He mumbled to himself as he flipped through the pages and came to an entry, then an article. "Right here, next to the picture."  
  
She looked at it and grinned funnily. "Hey, we're in the paper."  
  
"You and Jonathon," he laughed.  
  
"You're the hero," she chuckled. "It says right here: Dr. John Carter was in the elevator with Nurse, Abby Lockhart - "  
  
"Yeah, yeah," he laughed and turned back toward the baby.  
  
"Healthy baby boy," she smiled. "We gotta save this."  
  
He nodded, looking up at her briefly. "Wonder why they put it in this paper. Not Monday's."  
  
She shrugged. "I thought the media would be faster. I was talking to Susan, and it turns out some of those criticals we had were reporters in the other hospitals."  
  
"Really?"  
  
She nodded, shrugged, and stretched oddly.  
  
Abby laughed quietly and sighed once more. She pulled her knees to her chest, under her chin on the chair and folded her arms over her knees. "Do you want me to take him? I feel so bad for letting you do it all - "  
  
"No," Carter said, hushing her nicely. "He's almost asleep again. Besides, you've got him all day."  
  
She nodded and continued to watch the two of them, admiring their beautiful embrace.   
  
"When I have to go back to work," she began, "are we just going to drop him off at the daycare at County?"  
  
Carter considered it, and nodded. "I think they'll take one month olds." The baby's eyes had been closed for some time, so he stood surely and wrapped a few stray segments of blanket around him. "I think he's out."  
  
"Me, too."  
  
Carter and she padded to the crib in another room and he placed him down gently. They stared adoringly at the baby for a few instants, then he yawned and squeezed her shoulder.  
  
"I've got a shift in about four hours," he said, slightly blinking to ease away another yawn. "so, I'm going to bed."  
  
"Okay," she said quietly. "I'm going to catch a few while I still can."  
  
He laughed. "Good idea."  
  
They smiled once more, awkwardly, and Carter parted from the room. He was tucked fast away into his bed, covers brought to his chin, in less than two minutes. He didn't bother to shed the robe from his shoulders and smiled at the added warmth of the comforter.  
  
Sure, there was one thing that had been on his mind for the last couple of days: Jonathon. He had a baby. He couldn't explain how happy he was.  
  
But, he'd kissed Abby. Something he felt he shouldn't have done. They hadn't talked about it since that one day, hadn't even repeated it. He still slept in the bed down the hall, still was her best friend, but still the father of their baby.  
  
Things were different. Definitely something new.  
  
He didn't know how he felt about Abby, though. He had wanted her for so long, he told himself over and over again. But, now, he found the main priority in his life being the baby he had just set down.  
  
And, in a twisted, forlorn way there was a new respect for the girl two doors down. 


	32. For the First Time In a While

Carter had awakened early, as usual, and had done his parenting duties for the morning. He was concerned about Abby, who had woken up each time he had during the night. He wished she would get more sleep. Her eyes had dark circles under them when she smiled. It had only been one week with the birth of the baby, so he figured they would both adjust. She had said the same thing about his condition to him, so maybe it was just a temporary thing.  
  
Lucky for them, their son wasn't as hyped up as some childhood tales were told to be. He was a quiet, calm baby. With the two of their genes, though, something was bound to bring out some wild curiosity sooner or later. For now, he was just the sweet baby that brought out the mother in every woman, the father in every man.  
  
He had also been drinking a lot of coffee, something that had kept him clear at work. Clear, awake, whatever. Caffeine, luckily, does that. However, obviously Abby couldn't keep the same ritual as she was nursing the baby. Another reason he felt so sorry for her. Contrite, if he could. He had made sure she went to bed early each night, and had been sure to be alert during the night to wake up before she did. And to hush the baby before he woke her.  
  
Walking through the ER doors for the first time in a week was odd. Technically, they weren't the ER doors. Only a door from a stairwell to the correct floor. There were guards posted all around the department and yellow 'caution' tape laced throughout the areas. Looking around, there were probably as many law enforcement officers as medical practitioners there. It was nearly bare there; few patients were sitting in chairs. The usual crew at the admit desk was lying lazily against the counter, elbows propped behind them. He saw that the only patients waiting were those of bleeding knees, nosebleeds, and earaches.  
  
As Carter rounded the corner to the admit desk, the crowd of them perked up and smiled. They began to come around him and pat him on the back, Chen to hug him, and congratulate him.  
  
"He's blushing," Chen said with a smile as he searched the board for something to keep him busy.  
  
"Congratulations, Carter," Lydia said. "How is he? How's Abby?"  
  
"He's good, she's good," he chuckled, erasing something and adding another. "Parenting's taking its swing for now, but it's only been a week."  
  
"And his name is Jonathan Truman the fourth?" someone asked.  
  
He shook his head and grinned funnily. "Jonathan Truman. What's wrong with that?"  
  
Haleh waved her hand in the air and turned back around to the computer. "Nothing."  
  
"You delivered the kid, then?" Pratt asked, scratching his head. When Carter nodded, he added, "What did you do with the mess?"  
  
He shook his head again. "What do you mean? Why would that matter? She was having a baby."  
  
"What did you do with the cord?"  
  
"Cut it off with keys."  
  
Their faces twisted, some of them laughed, and some of them groaned.  
  
Conni had laughed. "Keys?"  
  
"That's all I had," he chuckled in defense. "Now, if you'll excuse me." With a kind roll of his eyes, he walked off to another room, actually anxious to start his job for the day.   
  
  
--  
  
  
"How's he doing?"  
  
The crying could be heard over the phone right outside the trauma room. Oddly, he smiled at the sound of it, but only because he missed the two of them. He would have frowned otherwise; he could imagine what a difficult time Abby was having. He knew she could have been happier during the pregnancy, and not being like she should have wasn't producing the best aftermath.  
  
"He has a fever," she said. "I know he does."  
  
Carter stood up straighter, away from the wall he had been leaning against. "What's the temp?"  
  
"I was going to check," she began, "but it turns out we don't have a thermometer."  
  
"Parents both work in a hospital," he said, "and the one thing we could forget is a thermometer?"  
  
"Well, I don't think it's a fever," she reasoned, "but he's warm."  
  
"You could bring him in anyway," he smiled. "I miss you guys as it is."  
  
She laughed. "Ha. I'm in pajamas, and my hair... all I did was pull it up and tie it together. I look awful. I think he's okay. He's just tired."  
  
"Just come in," he laughed back. "Maybe just to make sure."  
  
She sighed. "I guess. Don't make fun of the way I look. Don't you dare."  
  
"Just come in," he said. "I have to go." He nodded toward Chuny, who was gesturing toward the board, still with a few patients waiting.  
  
"Okay," she conceded. "See you in... a while."  
  
He nodded and shivered. "Bye."  
  
She reciprocated, hung up, and he was walking through the ER again. He made his way over to the admit desk again with a smirk. Looking up to Chen and Chuny, he joked with a smile, "We have a one week old with a possible fever."  
  
"Is this a Carter baby?"  
  
He nodded. Clearly happy. "Yep."  
  
"Oh!" Chuny cried. She turned around to Randi. "Carter's bringing his baby in."  
  
"Abby's bringing him up here," he said, walking to the board again.  
  
"He has a fever?"  
  
He shrugged, trading charts, sketching a few notes in various places, and threw them back into the rack. "Abby's concerned. She's just protective."  
  
"Protective?" Chen said, raising her eyes. "In a bad way? That's what you made it sound like."  
  
He shook his head, and clicked his pen against the counter. "She's a great mother. She's just nervous."  
  
"Yeah, I bet - oh, hey Susan!"  
  
He turned around to where Chen had shouted and smiled at Susan. She was in a wheelchair, coming toward them.  
  
"You have no idea how much this sucks," she said, sighing in exhaustion and ceasing with her arms next to the desk side.   
  
Carter smiled. "How are you doing?"  
  
Susan nodded as Chen was called away. Chen gave her a "get better" and walked off.  
  
"Broken arm, broken leg, huh?" Carter asked. "You got hit by an ambulance."  
  
"Seriously?" she asked, sarcasm to her chin.   
  
Carter laughed back, folding his arms. "But you're good? We were a little worried about you."  
  
She smiled, "You had delivered a baby in an elevator!"  
  
He laughed again. "So you heard?"  
  
"Hasn't everyone? How are you holding up?" She came a little closer to him and looked at his face. "You look a little tired."  
  
"I'm afraid that she'll overwork herself if she gets up at night," he said. "I told her I'd work the night shift crib-wise, and she could take care of him while I was at work."  
  
"And when she goes back to work..."  
  
"...he'll be upstairs with Marcy and Dana."  
  
"Marcy and Dana?"  
  
"Don't they run the daycare center-thing upstairs?"  
  
She shook her head. "I don't know. I don't have kids."  
  
He smiled. "I'm going to make some coffee. You want some?"  
  
She nodded and her smile dropped slightly. "Can I talk to you for a second?"  
  
Quizzically, he agreed. "Sure."  
  
They walked together toward the lounge, strutting easily through a near empty chair and lobby area.  
  
"Why is no one here?"  
  
"I'm guessing it's the bomb fear that has developed in the last few days."  
  
"Kidding?" he asked in amazement. "People aren't coming because they're afraid of a bomb or something?"  
  
"Nothing out of the ordinary."  
  
"Where do they go?"  
  
She shrugged. "That's just my theory. Could you get the door, please?"  
  
"Oh, sure," he said politely. He opened the door for her as she came inside and thanked him. He nodded and threw himself to the couch.  
  
"I need one of those electrical chairs," Susan complained comically. "This is just awful."  
  
He laughed and laid his head on his hand. He could automatically detect how tired he was. The joys of fatherhood, he thought. As much as it was tiring, though, he had to admit he was enjoying it. Even when he was sleepless and lifeless, he was still so alive inside. He started to itch now; he wondered if it was really that normal for a father to be still this excited just to see his son. After all, he had woken up to his cries in the middle of the night to what seemed like hundreds of times.  
  
Either way, he certainly was still enthusiastic.   
  
"Can I ask you something?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
"If I'm infringing or anything," she said, throwing a hand or anything, "stop me."  
  
He lowered his eyebrows, nodding again. "Shoot."  
  
She swallowed, "So the baby's yours?"  
  
He sat back against the couch and sighed aloud.  
  
She took it as a sign, but before she could speak, he spoke. "He's my son. In all respect, it's still tender ground you're stepping on."  
  
She shook her head. "Sorry. I'm sorry. It's none of my business. I don't even know why I asked - "  
  
"Is everyone talking about it or something?"  
  
She shook her head a little rapidly. "Not anymore." She realized what she had said and put her hand over her eyes. "Damn it."  
  
"What is that supposed to mean?"  
  
"God, I'm sorry - "  
  
"What did they say before?"  
  
"They were suspecting things, the usual."  
  
"Betting?"  
  
"What do you think?"  
  
He stood up and walked over to the coffee pot. "You know, it never bothered me before, but now - "  
  
The door opened suddenly. Chuny walked inside proudly and said, "Carter, you have visitors."  
  
  
  
--  
  
  
  
I looooooved "Walk Like a Man." Luka is really starting to look... bad. I wish they'd give Carter and Abby a little more... "scenes." Its only the fourth episode, but I mean, *come on!* :) I do like their lines, though. Adorable.  
  
Mandy 


	33. Wrapped

"What do you think?"  
  
He stood up and walked over to the coffee pot. "You know, it never bothered me before, but npw - "  
  
The door opened suddenly. Chuny walked inside proudly and said, "Carter you have visitors."  
  
He nodded. He looked toward Susan and repeated the action. Chuny smiled and exited as Carter started toward the door. He glanced Susan's way once more, spotting her frowning at her feet. When her head came up, he waited for her to leave the room while he held the door open. When she had wheeled out, he left at once.  
  
He saw Abby with her elbows on the desk, the baby's carrier on the counter. She was holding a bottle somewhere into it. He couldn't see the baby; it was facing the other way. Chuny had already taken a position near the pair, as well as some of the other nurses. He ran a hand through his hair and found himself smiling at the sight of them.  
  
"Cute kid," Romano cut in front of him. "No exception to completely cease work in the ER, paralyze our nurse's senses, and let you coo over the sight of a splendid family, but cute kid." He shoved a chart at his chest. "Get back to work. Come on."  
  
"What are you doing down here?"  
  
"Weaver's still up in the ICU, so I get to dilly dally down here for a while." He glanced over something in his hands, another chart. "Eh, you can take it."  
  
He started to give this to Carter, but he shook his head and pushed it back toward Romano. "I told her I'd be up to see her this afternoon. How is she doing?"  
  
He shrugged. "I've only been there once myself to sample some good old hospital food." He glimpsed at the papers in his arms and sighed. "She's doing better than we all saw her last."  
  
Carter nodded. "Excuse me." He walked over to the desk. He stood behind the crowd of nurses formed around Abby and the baby to watch them for a while. The other nurses were talking about how he looked so calm and quiet. But Abby didn't seem to hear anything. She was smiling, almost shyly to the baby in front of her while she fed it. She tilted her head a little dreamily and ran a finger down his chin.  
  
He approached the crowd closer, walking through the lot of nurses. They all smiled and greeted him, gave him knowing looks and started to disseminate around the desk area. He came up behind Abby, his eyes focused on her as she assisted their son, and rested his folded arms onto the counter on the other side of the carrier.  
  
"Hi," he said simply. He straightened the blanket's cover around the infant's body and smiled at his result.  
  
"Hey," she said quietly. "He started to cool down after you called, but I'd figured you'd missed him anyway." She laughed softly.   
  
He chuckled a little, wavering slightly. "Hey, buddy," he said gently, placing a heavy hand on top of the baby's head and rubbed his thumb over the small of fuzz that had taken its place. "I think he's already getting bigger." He continued to stroke his skin lovingly, watching him for any movement. Then he shifted his stare toward Abby, still housing the smile he had caught while standing in the doorway of the lounge.  
  
"That's what some of the nurses were saying." She breathed out and looked back over to him. For a moment, they watched each other, the same parented smile on their lips, until she sighed again. "Could you hold this? I need to go use the restroom."  
  
"Sure," he offered at once, breaking the lock between them reluctantly. He looked down at the baby and took the bottle from her hand. They shared another quick smile before she walked off, Carter's eyes following her for an instant.  
  
His head turned back to the baby. He stubbornly moved his little body, clearly noting that he wasn't hungry. Carter laughed to himself and pulled the bottle from his lips. Setting it on the counter beside them, he took the blanket wrapped around him and dabbed the corner's of his mouth. The baby smacked his lips quietly and balled two fists. Opening his eyes he searched around the sides of his host.  
  
Carter placed a hand on his head again and lulled him to sleep. When he finally closed his eyes, he caught Abby standing behind him again.  
  
"Asleep already?" she asked, surprise.  
  
He nodded. He looked up to her and recognized how heavy her eyes were. He had said it to himself a million times, but she looked so dark now.   
  
"You look tired," he said kindly.  
  
"Thanks," she answered, re-wrapping the cloth around him.  
  
"I mean it," he reminded her, pulling her chin up. "We should get some help."  
  
"If we can't do this with one of us at home," she pointed out, "then how are we going to do it while both of us are working?"  
  
She's right, he thought. He nodded again and scratched the back of his head. "So, you're saying that we'll get used to it?"  
  
She smiled proudly, satisfied. "Exactly."  
  
"I guess you're right," he sighed. He looked at her face again, closer this time. They were standing three inches apart, he guessed, when he traced the side of her face with his finger. "I wish you'd get more sleep, though."  
  
She closed her eyes for a second. He wondered why. She opened them in a second and shook her head slightly. "But when you look at him, you get a sense that it's worth it."  
  
He nodded, still captivated by the sight of her face. He wanted to get closer to her. She stepped closer to him before another thought entered his mind. However, *one* thought still lingered sharply, deeply. He waited for it to finalize.   
  
The baby beside them began to whimper, and any thoughts from before were lifted. Abby stood in her same position as Carter looked over to the source.  
  
"Malik," he whined. "He was just starting to go to sleep."  
  
  
--  
  
  
"You're a great mother."  
  
She laughed. Shutting the refrigerator door, she moved toward the table where the two of them sat. "Where did that come from?"  
  
He shrugged. "I don't know."  
  
She watched him, almost suspiciously. "Thanks, though. It's good to hear. I didn't know what I'd be like after what I went through with my mother."  
  
She frowned unto the baby's hold, playing leisurely with the blanket once more.   
  
"Um," she started, "Haleh offered to watch her one night. If that was alright. I figured we could both use a break, you know. Not right away, maybe, but it was nice of her to suggest."  
  
"Mmm-hmm," he nodded. "I think that would be okay. You?"  
  
She laughed, "Sounds good to me. I have a feeling it'll be hard to tear myself away from him. I always thought it was funny that someone could want to be this close to a baby when they're known to be so exhausting, but he... he matters, you know?"  
  
Carter nodded, these thoughts echoing his. "I know exactly what you mean."  
  
Squinting, she cocked her head to the side. "Really? You feel that way."  
  
"Sure I do," he reasoned, sliding closer to the two. "I can't believe it either."  
  
"You can't believe it?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
She adjusted her body in the chair, rather uncomfortably and propped her hands under her chin. "Can't believe what?"  
  
He watched her do this all and shook his head. "Never mind."  
  
She smiled, wider. "No, what did you say?"  
  
He shrugged. "Never mind."  
  
She watched him frown toward the table's surface for a minute or two before turning he glance the same. They sat together for a second, contemplating the wood's maze glaring back toward them. All the while, they exchanged uncomfortable glances back and forth, hoping the other wouldn't notice.  
  
Abby breathed out awkwardly, splitting the cover of quiet at once. "He looks like you," she said. Her voice was barely above a whisper. She caressed one of the infant's soft, put cheeks before looking back at his father.  
  
Carter, gladly accepting the break in the unsettled atmosphere, smile her way. "You think so?" He pretended to answer sincerely, but was caught off guard by something glittering in her eyes. Not like a tear, but a feeling. It drew him closer to her.  
  
She seemed mesmorized by the same gleam his way. She nodded, never daring to depart from this mystic stare.  
  
Without either of them coming to and realizing, they inched together. They were closing the gap between them, smiles slowly fading. In sync, each of their eyes began to seal shut as their breathing intensified. Neither felt any of the laughter and talking from the other side of the door. Stuck in the moment of the two alone, they breathed harder. With each breath, a million of unspoken, but long spoken emotions crashed together. Each with a wave of want, they spread to form a cloud about their bodies, furthering the need for the other. It pulled them yet closer together until it was fully wrapped.  
  
Carter didn't want to open his eyes. He wasn't thinking of anything but Abby. He arched his neck slightly, slowly. Far away, he felt Abby's hand touch his as it rested on the table. Their lips would meet in less than a second.  
  
The door burst open, tearig them apart instantly. Chuny came inside, informing them of a trauma just three minutes out. Multiple MVA. He nodded toward her as she stepped out of the room. He looked back at Abby, who was now glaring at her shoes. He stood and leaned into the baby's carrier. Giving him a simple kiss atop his head, he turned to Abby.  
  
"I'll see you later."  
  
She nodded. She smiled, funnily filled with half of an unknown emotion. "See you." 


	34. Where Is This Going?

Carter's eyes opened slowly in the bed he rested in alone. He threw the covers away from his legs, immediately feeling the odd cold strike him with force. The cries flowed from the room next to his in one song, straight from the infant's mouth. The wails would subside to shuddering whimpers one minute, full blasts the next. So, generously crawling from bed, he stumbled over his clothes. They'd been scattered about the floor when he'd lazily made his late night entrance four hours before.   
  
He reached the room as quickly as he could, despite sagging feet, and reached over the side of the crib. The baby was squirming, frustrated on the mattress fitted below him as he looked on consciously. When the baby was in his arms, Carter gathered him close to his chest, shushing him calmly. The baby's cries almost instantly quieted down, his brown eyes cast on the father above him.  
  
Carter, his groggy smile catching fast picked up the blanket that had been thrown from the infant's side and placed it over him in his arms. He walked to the kitchen, the baby's cries starting up again.  
  
"Jonathan," he hushed sweetly, picking into the refrigerator and removing a bottle from one of the shelves. The child in his arms closed his eyes with instinct at the light from the device in front of him and began to shrieks again. They grew in volume until he pressed the bottle to his lips, to which he gladly accepted and silenced once again.  
  
"Need some help?"  
  
He turned around slightly, almost jumping from the voice. Abby stood in the living room, a sleepy smile painted on her face. Her hair was hanging around in loose, unruly curls which she had already begun to pull back from her face. He took his eyes away from her and back to Jonathan.  
  
"No," he said. "I'm okay. You should get back to bed."  
  
She shook her head and walked over to them, standing close to Carter. "You've been doing this for a month now. I think you deserve a break."  
  
"You've done it, too."  
  
"You're faster at it," she grinned. "And I'm his mother. I should have to wake up to this each night, too."  
  
He shook his head, shifting his arms to find a comfortable position for the baby to sit. "You start work tomorrow. I think you should get some sleep."  
  
"I'll be fine," she said, her voice lessening to a whisper at the sight of the baby starting to wriggle under the blanket. She tugged on it carefully, taking it away from covering parts of his face. "After tomorrow I won't get to see him as much."  
  
He nodded, the whole idea coming back to him. With their jobs, Abby and Carter wouldn't be seeing the baby as much as they'd seen him before. Especially on Abby's behalf. For the last month, she'd been at home with him and she had clearly enjoyed it. In fact, nearly everyday in the last month, she had brought Jonathan up to the hospital. Partially because it was close enough to travel to and Carter would get to see his son.  
  
"You're great with him," Abby said, covering Jonathan's feet up with the blanket. She played with his little feet for an instant before looking back up at Carter.  
  
Carter didn't know how to respond, so he resumed with feeding the baby. She looked back up at him, seeing that he wouldn't answer her, and started to walk away. She frowned at the ground, whispering, "I'll see you in the morning."  
  
He felt awful when he heard the door shut behind him. He could have shuddered, had he not been so tired, but felt worse than he had ever felt, in a long while. His hands were growing clammy with the bottle in his hands. His heart sank an extra inch at the thought of Abby in bed alone.  
  
She's trying to help, he told himself as he removed the baby's bottle from his mouth. Jonathan's eyes eased to a close as he set the remainder of the bottle in the refrigerator and closed his eyes in sudden pain. He cautiously, sleepily guided himself back to his own room, setting the baby down close to him. He placed a gentle hand on his stomach while the baby fell asleep, and he blinked a solemn tear onto the pillow.  
  
  
  
--  
  
  
  
"They can't bring any more doctors down?" Carter asked loudly over the chaos in front of him, moving toward the desk. He pushed past an angry patient to the counter, throwing charts down recklessly. "We're down three as it is."  
  
"Three?" Haleh asked, raising an eyebrow. "We're down two; Lewis and Weaver - "  
  
"And Chen," he said, hardly looking up from a chart in front of him.   
  
"No," Haleh said. "We've got enough. Kovac's replacement arrived today."  
  
"In a cardboard box from the UPS man," Chuny said, smirking. "He's over there. His name is Darryl."  
  
"Dr. Darryl?" Carter asked, turning his head to see a blonde-haired man stooping down to a three-year-old's level, examining her ankle.   
  
"No," Chuny laughed, admiring the doctor from afar. "Dr. Darryl Henson." Lily came by, sighed, and the two nurses laughed.  
  
"Good God," Carter chuckled. "Darryl Henson? That's... so..."  
  
"Completely and totally rehearsed?" Haleh suggested, handing him another thing to take a look at.  
  
"Took the words right out of my mouth," Carter said with a smile as he turned away, heading off toward exam one. He walked through the door and grinned at the toddler happily playing with his shoelaces.  
  
"Are you Dr. Henson?" His mother reached over to save her son, close to falling off of the bed as he tried to peer over the edge.  
  
Carter sighed and laughed a little. "No, he's busy. I'm Dr. Carter."  
  
She nodded. "We've been here for a while, it's a wonder anyone got to us anyway." She reached over once again, hushing he little boy and taking him from the side. "He has a cold. His name is J.C."  
  
"J.C.?" Carter questioned kindly, pulling on some plastic gloves from a box next to the bed. "What's that short for?" He looked toward J.C., who only pulled away at the sight of a doctor. He folded his hands for a second in his lap and smiled at the boy. "I won't bite. I promise."  
  
"John Charles," she stated firmly, holding him now on the surface.  
  
"Hey," Carter smiled, taking a look into the boy's ears. Pulling back the device, he said with another smile, "my little boy's name is Jonathan, John for short." He looked up to J.C. "Can I look in your mouth for a little?"  
  
He nodded, giving in slightly.  
  
"You married then?" she asked.   
  
Carter frowned, but caught himself before he let her see it. "Actually... no."  
  
His mother straightened up in her chair. "Me, either. Just me and J.C. at home. Right?" She ruffled the little boy's hair while he sat now obediently, the tongue depressor in its position.  
  
Carter laughed.  
  
"How old is he?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"How old is he?" she repeated, smirking a little. "Your son?"  
  
"One month two days ago," Carter said, smiling.   
  
The mother bit back her lip. "One month?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"So you're probably not interested in, you know..." She bent her head, looking back up to her son. She rubbed across his little knees with tender hands and switched her glance back to his.  
  
Carter shook his head slowly. "Probably not."  
  
She nodded.  
  
"It's just, you know - "  
  
"Not the right time, I know." She smiled up at him with another nod and bit her lip once more.  
  
He nodded again, pulling away from the bed and scratching something onto a paper pad. "He's got a little ear infection. Definitely a cold, too, but I wanna let him do this without antibiotics."  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Positive," he said. "However the ear infection looks bad, so I'm gonna give you a prescription for that, and a number for an ear, nose and throat specialist."  
  
"That's necessary?"  
  
"Looks like he's had a few too many earaches in the past," Carter concluded. "He might need tubes in his ears. Surgery that helps drain the fluids that causes him all this sickness." He patted the little boy's legs who happily grinned. Carter grinned in reply and stood up.  
  
"Vanessa."  
  
He turned around. "What?"  
  
"My name is Vanessa," she said flirtatiously.   
  
He nodded, oddly. "John," he said, extending a hand. Where was this going?  
  
She handed him her number, something she'd written with the bottom of the prescription's paper. "Just in case you feel differently."  
  
She smiled again, in the same way and left Carter staring dumbfounded at the paper in front of him. The door pushed open and Abby rushed in to grab some gloves from the box. He stared at her as she did so.  
  
"Carter," she said, putting on the gloves and pulling him from another atmosphere.  
  
"What?" he asked, acting startled.  
  
"There's a teenager in labor in the ambulance bay. She's crowning." She pulled her hair off of her shoulder and looked up. "Want me to get Dr. Henson?"  
  
He shook his head. "No, I'm coming." He still stared at her as she looked at him, questioning him. She smiled and left the room, as Carter still left his inquiries to the paper in his hand.  
  
  
  
--  
  
  
  
So... where is this heading? Cliché land? Again? Oh, God, not again. :)  
  
~manda 


	35. the Real You

Carter tugged at his collar and whirled around, finishing a recent patient's chart. He threw his pen into his pocket and sat back in the chair for a moment, relishing the moment. His eyes brought to a close, before the door behind him opened silently. He turned around and smiled.  
  
"What are you doing in here?" she asked.  
  
He shrugged. "Tired."  
  
She laughed lightly, taking a seat on the bed beside him. "So, you're hiding?"  
  
He grinned sleepily. He watched her fold out her legs over the bed and stretch back across the surface, resting the back of her head on the wall behind her. "Maybe."  
  
She nodded, closing her eyes. "Mind if I join you?"  
  
He shook his head and unwrapped his stethoscope from around his neck. "You already have?"  
  
"Want me to leave?"  
  
"No," he answered, fumbling with the tool between his fingers. He put it on the side table near him, neighboring the bed Abby was lying on. She picked it up and turned the other way to fish for something on the counter.  
  
"What are you doing?" he laughed. "Give that back."  
  
She returned to her sitting on the bed, beginning to clean the stethoscope. "Did you know its hospital policy to clean these between every patient?" She smiled down to her work, then up at him.  
  
"Yes," he said, taking the things from her hand. "I can do that, thank you."  
  
"And what will I do?" she laughed.  
  
"Clean your own," he smirked, starting to rub the end carefully with the cloth.  
  
She shrugged and grabbed another spare sheet from the surface beside her and sat in silence, as the two of them continued to clean the stethoscopes from around their necks. Carter glanced up at Abby, his smile now stale, and caught hers still fresh across her lips.  
  
To be honest, he was starting to wish he had kissed her again. After two months of being parents together, not a single word had been mentioned on the topic. The only moment they had talked about of the elevator, of course, was the birth of their son.  
  
Jonathan had been one of the greatest things in his life. He made him laugh, and smile and think. Think about a lot of things, of course. His life was always complex. To think about who he was, what he wanted, what he had, and what he needed. What this baby needed, what this baby wanted, what this baby already had.   
  
But, of the many things this wonderful gift to him was, the baby also served as a reminder of how much he longed to be with Abby. It had been more intense, growing in strength when she came back to the hospital. He had thought about her a lot now; before going to sleep, waking up, at work. And he tried not to, for the purpose of his professional existence, his life in general. Before he even knew the baby was his, his life had been perplexed enough with his own thoughts of failure, referring to the situation between he and Abby.   
  
Not to mention that Abby was now completely different than she had been when she was pregnant. She had been almost depressed when she was pregnant, something he hadn't understood. After nine months, the secret had been unveiled: all of the inquiries he had had about her behavior were solved. This secret had changed her view of him, the father of her baby.  
  
And now they had a son together. He was happier than he had ever been.  
  
"Can I say something?"  
  
A faint smile played surely across her lips. "What is it?"  
  
He swallowed. "I just wanted to say," he began, unsure, "that I hope your happy."  
  
She stopped and looked at him, growing slightly upset. "What does that mean?"  
  
He held up his hand. "I didn't mean it that way."  
  
"Then how did you mean?"  
  
"I meant," he corrected, "that I'm glad you're better than you were before Jonathan was born."  
  
"Oh," she said quietly. She nodded, opening her mouth for a second to speak, rethinking it, and closing it again. She put down the stethoscope in her hands abruptly on the bed, and straightened her legs over the side.  
  
"I didn't mean to - "  
  
"No," she said, wrinkling her nose and waving her hands. "I know what you mean, it's okay."  
  
He nodded, uncomfortable in the awkwardness he'd created out of the smiles they had shared just a minute ago. "I remember before he was born how sad you looked."  
  
She stared at him, he found, when he looked up into her eyes. They fixed a gaze on the other, intent and straight.  
  
"And then I saw your eyes light up again," he said slowly. "And I remembered how happy you were. How pretty you were, how happy you *could* be, how much I loved being with you at work... I remembered you. The real you."  
  
Her lips drew solemn, her eyes never leaving his. His eyes darted to the side sharply, unsure of what to say next. He finally gave up and dropped his face into his hands. Massaging the corners of his eyes, he sighed for his own comfort.  
  
"Thank you," she whispered. She got up to leave with a barely reviving smile and started out of the room.  
  
"No," he said, taking her wrist. She turned around, her eyes hopeful, but stern. Once again, they were lost with the fascination of each other's eyes. But it ended. Too fast.   
  
"What?" she asked, glancing at his hand around hers.   
  
"Don't leave."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Don't leave," he said strongly. "You don't have to."  
  
"I should get back to work."  
  
"You're leaving because your uncomfortable," he said, pulling her hand back from his chair. "I'm going to ask you to stay here for one more minute. And then you can go back to work." He looked at her, his eyes pleading.  
  
She nodded, the motion barely visible.  
  
"If I were to ask you that," he said, ashamedly looking down at their hands woven together, "what would you say?"  
  
She pulled away from his hand, much to Carter's dismay. They both watched as they drew apart, separating.   
  
"I would say 'okay,'" she said, easing back to the bed.  
  
  
--  
  
  
I know, I know - a lot of people were suspecting a Halloween chapter. ;) I really was going to, but went against it. I'll probably end up writing one anyway, but it'll be a day late if I do. Is that okay? :)  
  
-mandy 


	36. Space Next to Him

Another chapter of this. A few of you have been wondering about "Here With Her" lately. I'm kind of stuck with it, but I'll update when I can. :)  
  
--  
  
Awaking to the pain in his back, Carter immediately put a hand there to comfort it. His face twisted, wincing at the touch, and pulled away from the blankets surrounding him. "Damn," he muttered against the pillow as his body turned.  
  
The door opened. Abby walked in, her hair pulled up and her casual pajamas hanging from her limbs. She knelt beside his bed and pulled on his shoulder. He jumped, and glanced to his side.  
  
"Hey," he said, rubbing his eyes. "What time is it? What are you doing?" His eyes darted around, searching for the clock on the nightstand. Three-thirty.  
  
She put her wrist to his forehead as he closed his eyes again in painful frustration. "You don't have a fever. You were tossing and making noises. Something wrong?"  
  
"Making noises?"  
  
"Moaning or something," she whispered, hushing him a bit. "Is something wrong?"  
  
"No, nothing," he said with an attempted smile. He put a hand on the sore spot, and instantly shrank back when he realized the mistake he had made.  
  
"Your back?" she asked nicely, quietly while pushing him to turn away for a minute.  
  
He nodded against the cushion beneath his head. She touched it lightly, almost causing him to shiver. He made sure he didn't commit the movement, afraid to let her know anything. "Right there," he whispered as she touched a tender spot on his lower back.  
  
"Sorry," she said. He shook his head, as she said, "I'm going to get you something for it. I'll be right back." She started toward the door but stopped: "How bad is it? Can you walk?"  
  
He laughed tiredly and pulled the blankets to his chin. "I think so."  
  
She smiled weakly in response and started away, tossing a near silent, "I'll be right back," before she was out of sight. As if on cue, whimpers from the other room filtered through the apartment. The baby began to cry out, screaming for someone as he struggled to get out of the bed.  
  
"I'll get him," Abby called from the kitchen. He sighed thankfully and settled back into bed. He saw her rush across the hallway toward the baby's room, and a second later she walked into the room with him, wrapped in his usual sky blue attire.   
  
Jonathan's eyes immediately peered over at his dead from against Abby's shoulder. His tiny fists hanging from his sides, he gathered them closer to rub his eyes. She smiled at Carter, who started to sit up against the headboard. Abby shook her head, however, so he sank back down.  
  
"Look, Jonathan," she whispered close to his face. "It's Daddy."  
  
Carter smiled as she brought him over. She smiled at Carter briefly as she laid Jonathan down on top of his chest. Carter laughed as the baby struggled to bring his head up, falling shortly at his week attempt. Abby kissed the top of the infant's head and walked out of the room again.  
  
As soon as he had fallen, he tried again to lift his head. This time, he was partially successful. Carter placed a hand against each side, firmly holding him in place. The baby smiled a goofy grin towards his dad. Carter chuckled sleepily and tapped his nose slightly to distract him.  
  
Carter stuck out his tongue at the baby and waited for him to respond. The baby seemed baffled by this and reached out for it. Carter shook his head and lifted the baby up to sit on his chest, rather than lie stomach-down.  
  
The baby yawned and pulled a fist near his mouth. He sucked on his thumb for a while. A classical baby image that began at two months, neither Carter or Abby had seen him do it. Now, when Jonathan had done it without any encouragement from Carter or Abby tonight, he was surprised. A grin grew quickly, and he called outward for her.  
  
"Abby, come here." He kept his eyes focused on the baby. The smile seemed unmanageable.  
  
"What is it?" she asked, coming into the room with the pills in her hand. She gave them to his hand, which put them on the neighboring table along with the glass of water. She came beside the two of them and laughed.  
  
"He's sucking his thumb." He chuckled and rubbed the baby's back.  
  
"Hi, baby," Abby said, rubbing his stomach. The baby looked upward, determined for that thumb not to part from his lips. He stared at the ceiling. "Hi, sweetheart."  
  
He looked back down and pulled the thumb from his mouse. He reached to his side to fall forward slightly on Carter's chest. His parents reached out for him as he recovered and gave them a gummy, but sweet smile.  
  
"He's smiling!" Carter said, almost startling himself with the volume he took. He didn't think about it much as he watched Jonathan continued to grin.  
  
"Oh my God," Abby said. She knelt closer to the bed, just an inch from Carter and the baby. "Hi, honey. You're so funny."  
  
The baby smiled a little more then collapsed onto Carter's chest again. Abby rubbed his back rhythmically and soothed the baby who had already begun to hit Carter's shirt slightly.   
  
Before either of them could prepare him a bottle for his feeding, he was snoring tranquilly against the cloth of his shirt. Abby smiled toward Carter for a long moment. Carter couldn't even comprehend the fact that he was tired, or that his back was hurting, or that there was a sleeping baby between them. Or the fact that he would have cursed himself for falling for her like this. She broke their glance and stood up with hands on her knees.  
  
He watched her, disappointedly, walk over to the side of the bed. She drew the covers back shyly with her head bent, drawing in a deep breath. Carter stared at her, waiting for words he knew she would speak.  
  
"May I?" she asked with a frown now, gesturing to the space next to him. She stood there, curling hair behind her ears, neat strands that weren't in her way at all.  
  
Carter smiled and closed his eyes. He nodded slightly, opening them again and seeing her face much closer than he had imagined. They stared at each other for long enough, before Abby closed her eyes and bent her head downward. Carter watched her finally fall asleep just inches from his arm. Draping his right arm protectively over their son, he reached for the medicine she had provided him and dropped it into his mouth, with a gulp of the cold water. He swallowed completely and turned back to the two people before him.  
  
He softly bent his head downward, as slightly as he could, in a way that left the gap between he and Abby's forehead a mere centimeter's own. Finally falling more, until they touched. Skin against skin. Not enough, but so much. He fell asleep like that, predicting that he'd wake up the same way: with back pain he barely noticed now.  
  
  
--  
  
  
Wow. I updated that quickly. ;)  
  
Obviously there won't be a Halloween chapter. I think the rest of you guys got that covered, though. Halloween fuzz... Spooky Fuzz. That's gotta be the best kind, no? :)  
  
I'm actually in a These Questions kind of mood, so I'll probably end up posting more TQ chapters. lol  
  
-mandy 


	37. Literally

"Are you sure you can handle it?"  
  
Carter laughed as he gently swung his legs over the side of the bed. "I think I can manage a two-month-old." He rubbed the back of his neck and looked up at her. She nodded.  
  
"Its not that I'm worried about," she said. "I know you can take care of him - I'm nervous about your back." She spoke tenderly, placing a hand on his shoulder. He really wished she wouldn't do that. He felt like they were taunting each other, only now it was more she than he. If he thought about it now, it had been almost a year since it all happened. This entire thing started. The baby, Luka, all of the weird things that had entered his mind.  
  
He nodded, actually shaking his head to himself and relieving it from the wondering. "I'm fine, but thank you." He offered another smile before reaching to take the baby from her. She lifted him from his position against her shoulder. As soon as Jonathan had entered Carter's arms, he fell against his should sleepily and yawned.  
  
"Bye, Jonathan," she said to his little face. He put his head up from Carter's shoulder and threatened to whine. Instead he lifted his arms barely and watched his mother smile at him. "I love you." With this, she added a small kiss on his nose. Jonathan reached out to touch her nose, and then her lips. Abby stood, allowing the baby to do so. She laughed again and kissed his little fingers. Running a thumb over his small head, she looked up to Carter.  
  
"I'll try and drop by at around noon or one, whenever I can get out of there."  
  
"Okay," he said with a tired grin. He lifted the baby already straining against one side of his body. "I'll see you later."  
  
"If he's giving you problems like that, you shouldn't have to carry him."  
  
He laughed again, pulling the door open ahead of her. "I'll see you at noon?"  
  
"Or one," she said, holding her finger up.   
  
"Or one," he smiled.   
  
She looked over once more, biting on her lip. But it was with more confidence than before. He guessed that she trusted him with the baby, but was worried about his back, as she had said. When she had shut the door, he turned toward the baby with his head on Carter's shoulder. He kissed it lightly and gathered the two of them near the television, on the floor in front of the couch. Sighing from the relief of his back being let go, he gently put the baby down on his stomach. He teetered back and forth on his arms and legs, attempting to scoot.  
  
  
--  
  
  
His eyes opened at the sound of the lock twitching on the other side of the door. He turned to his side to see Jonathan closely sleeping in the nook of his arm, breathing lightly while bathed in the afternoon sun. Tired, he placed a hand on the baby's back and closed his eyes again.  
  
"Is he sleeping?" she whispered, entering through the door with two large white bags in her hands.  
  
He nodded as much as he could in the state he was in. The pain had intensified somewhat and had gotten to the point where he considered lying down for a nap with the baby here in the middle of the living room floor. He told himself there wasn't anything wrong with it. Clearly, there was not. He kind of liked how it was just he and the baby for a while, even though the floor wasn't the most comfortable spot for someone with back problems.  
  
He opened his eyes suddenly to be faced with white tennis shoes, Abby's shoes. He looked up to see her taking the baby to his room. "Oh, sorry," he mumbled, standing and stifling a yawn.  
  
"Don't worry about it," she laughed. When the baby started to stir, sniveling in its sleep, she laid it down and rubbed its left leg. Her hand led him back to the slumber he had fallen to an hour ago and she walked out of the room with him. "How's your back? Did you have a hard time? I can try to get the rest of the day off; I only have three hours left on my shift, so I could get someone else to cover for me."  
  
He chuckled. "Slow down."  
  
She nodded and shrugged, sitting down onto the couch with him.  
  
"How are you?" she asked slowly, her expression changing into something he couldn't understand. Her eyes were creased heavily and her hands knotted together in her lap.  
  
"Good," he said, his face inquiring hers. "You?"  
  
She nodded, and then repeated the action. She yawned and brought her head back up to look at his eyes for a second. Carter didn't know what to do, so he looked down. She got up from the couch and walked to the table without a word. Carter put his face in his hands and inhaled the scent. That baby smell. Milk, lotion or whatnot.  
  
"Here's lunch," she said, sighing. "Burgers and fries. Closest thing to the hospital."  
  
He laughed. "I missed this place."  
  
"Figured so," she said separating the contents into equal shares. She handed him his own meal and seated herself at the table. Carter joined opposite of her and started munching on his burger when his back seized up. He stopped and put down the food, drawing a hand to his back.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"My back."  
  
She sighed again. "Maybe you should see a doctor, Carter."  
  
"I am a doctor," he laughed tensely, holding his back with a rough, kneading hand. "Damn, this is killing me."  
  
"If I call in," she said, motioning toward the phone on the table, "will you go in? They could just give you something for the pain or whatever."  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"Carter," she said. "You've been like this for three days now. Weaver would rather you just come in. She's kind of without a chief resident."  
  
"Fine," he said, painfully breathing out. "Fine. Let's go."  
  
"Eat your food first."  
  
He smiled and started his meal again. He sporadically followed one hand down to his side and touched the area that bothered him day and night. It felt, sometimes, like a spreading bruise. Other times, it felt like someone was stepping on his bone and literally crushing him.  
  
It didn't take Abby long. He could tell she had been agitated lately anyway, and almost neurotic. Even at work, she wasn't herself. He shrugged it off at first, but he felt he had to ask her. He'd felt this way thought dozens of times. He had felt so much lately besides back pain that he didn't know how to sort it all out properly.  
  
"Are you... okay?" He interrupted her dashing around the kitchen with a garbage bag.   
  
"What?" she asked, astounded. "I'm fine. Are *you* okay? You're the one with the back problems - "  
  
"Abby," he said, calming her unsettled face down. "Just asking. You've been a little..."  
  
She looked at him, raising her eyebrows. "A little what?"  
  
"Jumpy?" he asked, shrugging with arms in the air.  
  
She looked at him with an open mouth. "I'm not jumpy."  
  
"Well," he said, "I know it's not a coffee high."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"What's wrong, Abby?"  
  
"Nothing," she said, stronger this time. Carter took it as a hint and figuratively backed away from the subject.  
  
"Okay," he said quietly. He balled his wrappers into a tight sphere and tossed them into his own bag, leading to the garbage. "Okay."  
  
She looked guilty immediately and held out her hand. "Don't get up, I'll get that."  
  
"I have it," he said, walking toward the garbage. "I'll go get ready."  
  
Abby mumbled, "Okay." She watched him head back to his bedroom, Carter knew. He looked back at her for a second to see her. She stared back at him and took a step forward, but Carter took his own step, finding himself behind the door of his room.   
  
  
--  
  
  
Another TQ chapter. It was kind of lifeless, sorry about that.   
  
-mandy 


	38. Eyes

"If you take one more step near me, I swear to God, doctor - "  
  
"Sir, no one wants to hurt you," Carter said into the crisp air. He felt the eyes around him, the bustle of the ER"s duty at full swing. He could feel the tile through his shoes; he noticed the minor details plaguing him now with this culprit in front of him.  
  
"One more step and I'll do it."  
  
"No one wants to take you," he whispered gently. "We just want to make you better."  
  
"Do it and die."  
  
"Come here," Carter said, taking that dreaded step. The patient flinched and threatened him again with raising, and a pressing of the eyebrows.  
  
"I told you nor to come forward!"  
  
Carter swallowed against the world around him. He felt Haleh's hard stare from the corner behind the man. Her frown permanent against her coppered skin, she nodded toward the patient. Carter blinked slightly in response.  
  
"Can I see what you have in your hand?"  
  
"No!" he shouted. "Now get out of here, and go call my wife before I hurt you! And you know I can!"  
  
Carter gritted his teeth, exchanged another few glances with Haleh. But Haleh's gaze was fixed on the man. His fingers ran slowly over the object behind him. Haleh shook her head, almost nonchalantly.  
  
"What are you looking at?" he growled against the cold. The cold that had hit the room suddenly, causing him to shiver. Oh make it stop, he prayed.  
  
"Let me see it, David."  
  
"So you can confiscate it? Like you did to the rest of my things?"  
  
"Your things are in a bag under the bed, David. Do you want me to show you?"  
  
He looked to his sides, then proceeded to nod feverishly. Carter agreed with a whisper tenderly, and followed to the bed. The patient turned himself to meet his eyes with Carter's every move, careful to monitor his activity. Critical eyes watching every move made. They burnt through the coat on his back.  
  
He straightened up. "Here."  
  
"Everything's in there?" the man asked, starting to settle for this option.  
  
"Everything you came in with."  
  
"If I give you this," the man offered, stretching his hand to Carter, "will you call the police?"  
  
"I promise I won't call them at all." He eyed the small pill in the man's frail palm. Withered with the ailing skin, like that upon his brow.  
  
"You promise me?" the man whispered harshly. "Because your promises have to hold."  
  
"It'll hold," Carter breathed. "Can I please have the medicine now?"  
  
The man hesitated, shrinking back to a cruel frown as his eyes caught the bag Carter held.  
  
"Come on," Carter exchanged, fighting any bitter tone that might escape on accident. "We'll trade."  
  
"You said medicine will make people better," the man bit the air. "Doctors give people medicine everyday."  
  
"Not that medicine," Carter said, hushed as he glared at the capsule., something that had ruined his life at one time. He looked back up to the face baring down at him. "Not that one."  
  
The man stared blankly to the wall, a pair of feet barely announcing foundation. He collapsed onto the bed behind him and whimpered small cries until the pill fell from his hand. Carter frowned sympathetically, walking toward him. Haleh brought her chin downward as she approached the man. Holding him in her arms, he sobbed as she patted his back and his hand.  
  
Carter placed the bag quietly at his feet and turned to Luka behind him. "Call Psych," he whispered.  
  
Luka nodded solemnly, and turned out of the exam room. As Carter watched him do so, he saw Abby pass by. He peered through the glance, blanketed in cheap blinds, and tried to read her lips as she talked to Luka. He couldn't. Luka pointed inside, and before Carter could have a chance to turn away, and pretend not to notice, she was looking at him.  
  
He smiled. Something he had tried to do a lot lately. She could only smile back, look back to Luka with a frowning nod, and continue down the hallway with her armful of charts and boxes. He wondered where she was going.  
  
He stepped out of the exam room into the rest of the ER. Carrying on with the job he had walked to for the last ten years. His life, beside his son. And Abby..  
  
He wished he hadn't proclaimed Abby part of his life, if she weren't going to be part of it, for the rest of it.  
  
Following her steps kindly, not wanting her to hear, they appeared together in an empty trauma room. She sighed heavily as she stocked the shelves with numerous things. Things that he would use some time this day, or tomorrow, or the next day to help someone.  
  
She turned around and saw him, sensing someone else in the room.  
  
"What are you doing in here?" she asked with that same, sweet smile.  
  
He walked toward her. His mind was in a daze. "I need to be with you."  
  
Her smile remained, but it was of a different nature now. It was basically expressionless. Not emotionless, though. She stared now, deeper into his eyes.  
  
"I have to go put this back," she said pointing toward the box before lifting it.  
  
"Don't tell me you're going to walk away - "  
  
"Follow me, then," she said as she headed away from the shelves. "Who said I didn't want you to come?"  
  
He pursed his lips, and when she turned to meet his face briefly, he saw her pursed lips as well. They continued down the corridors, winding their way into another exam room. An empty one. Her back was turned as she slowly replaced an unfilled area of the shelf now with her box. Realizing her work was done, she turned around to see Carter standing there. She waited as he did.  
  
"I want to be with you."  
  
"Why now?"  
  
"'Now?'" he said, shaking his head. "No, not just now. I managed to ask you now."  
  
Their eyes met hard in the middle of the room. She was three feet away.  
  
"I am sick of being on this edge," he whispered hoarsely.  
  
She stared back up at him.  
  
"Where I feel like we're there, and I wake up." He looked down briefly, then back up. "And we never are really there."  
  
She choked slightly on a breath as she began to talk, but Carter shook his head quickly again.  
  
"Wait," he said, taking another step. "You have to know how I feel."  
  
Her eyes were soft.  
  
"I want to be with you," he said, taking one more step and filling the gap. "Because you're the father of my son."  
  
She chewed on her bottom lip and looked down, attempting to count the floor tiles.  
  
"Because you're my best friend."  
  
The world stopped spinning, and as far as he knew, the world grew silent. And dark as they stood there. They were alone for now.  
  
"Because you're. you're Abby. You're you."  
  
Their eyes met again. This dance between them, he wondered when it would end. He knew it would end. He felt a pain in his foot from the side of his shoe as the work wore into him.  
  
But, in another sense, he felt nothing. Nothing to do with pain.  
  
She glanced up again. Another look in her eyes that he couldn't read.  
  
He stepped backward and onto a chair. Resting arms on the sides, he pushed a foot slightly onto the tiles. He slid inches from his original spot, desperate to take his mind elsewhere. His fingers wove together, creating a shelter for his forehead to sit in.  
  
"I can't do this anymore," he sighed. "I will, but I don't want to do it just because we have a baby." He could see only the palm of his hands with his eyes open, but as he closed them, the world walked away.  
  
To Carter's disbelief, he felt her single pair of lips drop onto the top of his head. His head came upward from his hands. Her eyes were still soft, the way he had left them.  
  
"Me either."  
  
Their gaze was a tough one. Everything unspoken. It filtered through the dark room, slowly spreading across, wall-to-wall.  
  
Carter pulled his hands apart. She cupped his face in her hands and kissed him. His body froze. Her lips were gentle against his, taking no form at all.  
  
They didn't face each other. Instead, she climbed into his lap while he sat in the chair. Their hands were slowly crawling up the other's body, refreshing their own touch. Something they had extablished, and hadn't forgotten, a long time ago.  
  
She bent her head down to meet him in a longer, softer kiss. He pulled away from her lips and kissed her jaw, her neck, her cheek. She set her arms around his neck and nestled into his shirt, breathing heavily. Breathing in a thankful sense.  
  
He kissed her again, the top of her head, his fingers grazing her back all the while.  
  
--  
  
Phew. ;)  
  
To think that I almost did that way back in chapter eleven. wow. Anyway, there will be two chapters left (grand total: 40) and I don't know whether or not I'll do a sequel yet. Please review this one. (  
  
-mandy 


	39. Every Feeling Felt

When she looks at me like this, I'm ready to fall to her arms.  
  
When she looks like she's ready to fall to mine.  
  
I creep up along the eiderdown of the bed. Her eyes are dark with desire, two pools silently pleading for me, as are mine. We're the same tonight.  
  
Her arms are steadily rested on the bed's surface, waiting for me to approach her. I speculate, wonder what my expression is right now. If I'm smiling. I know I am inside. Ever cell in my body twists with anticipation. I'm lighting up all over; the solid resolution of it all finally coming home.  
  
My knees press softly against the blankets. The flame of a single candle dances on the nightstand, and more shadow about the room behind us. I barely notice. I lit them to be romantic, but I'm not sure that it's making a difference. My breathing is gentle, as is hers. Her brown locks lie on the sides of her face, and they only call me further.  
  
I'm finally close to he. My hand sits a mere inch away from hers, the feeling of two beings longing to touch mingling amid us. The world dances in its own motionless way around us as we stare into the other, revealing all turmoil we've desired to vent to the other. I seem to recall my body being much colder than it is now, enveloped in that icy feeling, that icy memory.  
  
I'm reluctant to hold a sigh. My world's warmer now. Sun rays in all their glory finally allowing somewhere to bask.  
  
She has no idea what's going on in my head. Her lips are dry, and I want to be nearer to them. Or to her face alone. It doesn't matter. I've torn myself apart over this, over her. I have imagined her mine for long enough. We've held out too long. If I have to contemplate like I used to. well, it's not necessary. I'm not diving in. This woman is what I want right now.  
  
I reach out to caress that finger near me. As soon as my hand covers hers, she grips the back of my neck and pulls my lips to meet hers. Taken a bit by surprise, I don't hesitate. We're capturing the other, lost in captivation. Her hand slips out from under mine and snakes up my arm. It travels to my cheek, stroking it tenderly. The world spins. The only clear image is she now.  
  
My hand slides to her waist, finding it further to her back. I lie her down, my body covering hers lightly, and for a moment we continue sweet kisses all over the other. Reminders of this yearning showered everywhere among us. Her face, her cheeks, her temples, her nose, her eyes, her lips. Everywhere.  
  
Her hands hold the sides of my face close to hers. My arms are at her sides now. Her feet meet mine underneath, and play childishly with mine. Her fingers tangle in my hair. I' am actually past the stage where I expect it to be a dream - all day during my shift. The afternoon was surreal.  
  
And then I came home. I saw her here. Bouncing our little boy on her knee.  
  
--  
  
He opened the door and stepped inside. His eyes fell open the image of Abby, staring with a smile into her baby's face as he sat on her knee. She looked up from her position at the couch. The blue eyes from her lap turned to meet Carter as well.  
  
"Hi," she whispered. Her smile was subtle, full of the words they couldn't speak before.  
  
"Hi," he insisted back. His smile was shimmering lightly on his face.  
  
Her eyes met the baby's again. "How was work?"  
  
He couldn't move as he stood there. His feet barely agreed with the rest of him. "Busy."  
  
She smiled and planted a soft kiss on the baby's nose. Carter walked and sat beside her, ultimately moving. Jonathan cooed at his father's arrival. His hand twisted out of his mother's grip and ventured to his father's appearance with a bright giggle. Carter held his hand, kissed it and smiled lovingly toward him.  
  
His glance turned to Abby, who was smiling at the baby. Her smile was light, a picture pressed between her cheeks. He bent closer and kissed her temple, soft as ever. She closed her eyes and with one hand safely holding her son, let one hand escape to his neck to hold against her. He acted the same; his hand met her neck, one thumb caressing her skin. When he pulled away, she sighed aloud. His head touched her shoulder briefly.  
  
"I'm going to take a shower," he said.  
  
She nodded breathlessly. Her eyes were caught in his again. An instant between them pondered the existence of another kiss, but it was decided against as he stood up. Her hand left his face, momentarily gliding along his arm before landing in her lap.  
  
She watched him walk away, and then smiled at her son in her lap.  
  
"Daddy's home."  
  
--  
  
Her arms are wrapped around me. She's breathing so quietly into my shirt now. Its music to my ears. I've almost forgotten what it feels like to hold her. And I mean really hold her. She's just lying in my arms like there's nothing else. No sadness, no happiness. Just us.  
  
Her skin is warm. Her fingers slide all so slowly up my back. Then down again. Her other arm is draped over my side, hanging lifelessly down the side. The night's gentle moonlight escapes through the window, its cue familiarly upon us. She sighs into me again, and I kiss the top of her head, in the midst of the hair I've grown to love.  
  
I nuzzle my nose deep into it, vowing never to hurt her. 'She's here for me, I'm here for her' kind of thing. I promise to myself and to her silently. Never. Not ever.  
  
She's perfect in every way when I hold her. Every inch of her that I can cover in possibility. We're crawling with the presence of ourselves. The idea of us, finally.  
  
And she's real. She isn't a dream, or a picture that's come to life. Not something I've only imagined and wished for like a child.  
  
Not anymore.  
  
She kisses me back, so sleepily. It feels like this night could never end. Feels like the world could never end. That we can be locked here for as long as we wish. The fingers grazing my back produce the most wonderful feeling. I can sense every emotion either of us is letting out, even as we lie immobile this evening.  
  
The mass of blankets covering us play the smallest share in shielding us from every other previous feeling we've shared. Every other bit of confusion, secret longing, sadness. When we wouldn't talk to the other, and when all we wanted to do was speak, but couldn't.  
  
And now we have the chance to - but we won't.  
  
Arms around bodies. It's too precious to disturb and we both know that. I wouldn't interrupt this. Unless a baby began to cry.  
  
But I wouldn't find that disappointing right now.  
  
But I'd like to hold Abby right now. Right here.  
  
--  
  
Carter stood over the crib, a simple smile coming over his lips. Jonathan squirmed in his bundle of quilt, his arms pleading to be held.  
  
"You have to go to bed now," he said, rubbing a hand over the baby's stomach.  
  
"Mm," the infant managed, still wriggling on the mattress.  
  
"When you wake up, I'll be here."  
  
The baby's hands became tender fists, meeting above his eyes. His mouth opened in awe at his own site.  
  
"You're not tired at all, are you?" Carter laughed. He reached down and kissed the baby's forehead.  
  
Abby came through the door slowly. "Is he still awake?"  
  
"As ever," Carter replied quietly. His eyes followed her, leaning to kiss Jonathan.  
  
As she did, his hand reached for hers. When she stood again, her eyes fell upon his, and he searched for a reason to explain this sudden action. Instead, she smiled. A real, small Abby smile. And it meant the world to him now.  
  
"His hair's getting darker," she pointed out, running a smooth finger over the fuzz on Jonathan's head. "See?"  
  
"Mmm-hmm," he murmured, his own thumb gamboling across the surface of the back of her hand. She wasn't tense, he noticed.  
  
She stuck a delicate finger into the baby's cheeks, smiling. "I love you." Her arm swayed slightly for an instant, and she fell against his shoulder, just barely.  
  
"Good night," she said, giving his hand a final squeeze before letting it go. She left the room and wandered toward her room.  
  
He stared down at the vacant hand, pulling it over the crib to grasp the baby's.  
  
"Your mother," he whispered, "it's the most wonderful woman I know."  
  
--  
  
Her lips touch mine. Softly. As if they're barely there.  
  
We've missed each other so much.  
  
It shows.  
  
I'm ready to make love to her. Kiss her everywhere. Her fingers, her eyes, her temples. everywhere. Just to let her know how much I care about her, or how much I've spent my last year caring about her.  
  
But not tonight.  
  
Tonight, I want her to close her eyes with me. And even though I know, as true to a classic, a baby will wake us both - I have a feeling we'll walk together. Both exhausted. Both with smiles.  
  
Tonight I want each of us to fall asleep knowing that the morning will only be better. Tonight, I want her to fall asleep without tossing in her sleep.  
  
I kiss her, and we take turns after that. I kiss her with every feeling, and then she kisses me back with another feeling felt. My hands are around her body, but her fingers are the same. Browsing in the same ever fashion.  
  
I give her a long kiss, one for each of us to settle in. And then we part an inch, resting a forehead against another.  
  
We're ready to fall asleep now. With body pressed to body, we'll fall asleep.  
  
After one more kiss.  
  
And when my lips make one last encounter with hers, we don't want to let go. Of anything, and not ever again. Her arms grip my shoulders for one second and I go on kissing her.  
  
With this lone acquaintance of our bodies, every day that we've spent apart meshes together. A cloud behind us, down that road marked with dust.  
  
We're departing down another road, hands joined.  
  
--  
  
He brushed the back of his hand above his upper lip, placing the glass next to the sink. His feet shuffled, bringing himself to his room. He contemplated the dark space, unable to walk inside. Every shadow continued to amaze him, as it brought an empty feeling to his side.  
  
Because he didn't want to be there.  
  
He stepped outside, walking down the hall. His final steps ending in front of her room. She looked up, her eyes smiling in the slightest.  
  
"Hey."  
  
He smiled in return. "Mind if I come in?"  
  
She shook her head, that smile spreading sweetly. "No."  
  
--  
  
I really hoped that chapter lived up to the length of time it took me to update. My computer, the piece of crap that I usually write chapters on, isn't working. It's the one I wanted to write this on, but decided to rule out the wait. I don't know when it will be fixed.  
  
But anyway, after this is one more chapter. And it'll take a good idea for a sequel, so for now, it doesn't look like that's happening. But, I think I'll have fun writing the last chapter anyway. (  
  
Aaaaand, I'd like to thank everyone who voted for me with the Doc Magoo Awards. ( -mandy 


	40. In Return

"Only ever since Luka started work here again."  
  
She nodded. "And you're okay with that?"  
  
"Me?" Carter laughed, attempting to keep it from sounding too bitter. Susan shrugged. "I'm not exactly pleased, but I'd never say anything."  
  
She repeated a shrug, and nodded. "And Abby?"  
  
"She doesn't feel comfortable with the two of us working together."  
  
Susan stepped back to the counter, reaching for her bag on the surface and slinging it over her shoulders. "Well, there's no feeling like completing another shift down here. Successfully."  
  
"Going home?" Carter asked with his eyes cast onto a chart in his arms. Same story as the last six hours'.  
  
"Yeah," she sighed. "I'm out of here. See you all tomorrow."  
  
He nodded with a slight wave, and returned to his work. The words were starting to blur together after his lengthy shift of ten hours, after having Weaver and Luka head to a conference out of state. Left in charge with a darkened Romano breathing down his back.  
  
"Carter," a voice interrupted, "could you come here for a second?"  
  
He looked up to Abby, as he wiped his eyes. His goal to strike away the sleep threatening wouldn't pull through. "Sure. What is it?"  
  
"I think the mother of the leukemia kid wants to ask you something."  
  
They shared a short glance as their walk continued to the trauma room. The woman inside looked back up at them with dark, tear-ridden eyes and searched for support.  
  
"Let me get you a chair, Ms. Lyons," Abby offered quietly, stepping out of the room.  
  
The woman only glanced back down at her son, waiting for him to awaken from the sleep he had assumed.  
  
"Ms. Lyons," Carter said, coming closer to her, "I'm Dr. Carter."  
  
She nodded as Abby slipped back into the doorway, coming around to the mother and helping her into the chair she'd fetched. She thought to continue out, but stopped and stood next to Carter.  
  
"We tried everything we could," he said. "No one knew he had tracked anything, and there was no way of telling before this."  
  
Abby cleared her throat. "He had some of the best people in the state working on him. He's very young and the disease was too much for him."  
  
Carter laid his eyes into his knees, trying his hardest to burn through. "We're very sorry."  
  
The woman didn't move, so Carter went on. "If you have any questions, I would be glad to answer them."  
  
Again, she kept her eyes on the small figure in front of her. She bent forward and placed a kiss into his forehead, his eyes. Her hope to wake her son was slowly fading.  
  
"We're so sorry," Abby said as they moved out of the room.  
  
When the couple were alone in the hallway, Abby squeezed his hand and headed the down toward where Chen was asking for her. Carter looked up and decided to take his break.  
  
--  
  
"I thought I would find you here."  
  
His head snapped up and found her walking toward him, her jacket wrapped around blue scrubs. He offered her a faint smile, reflecting off her own as she stopped a foot away from him.  
  
"A little much sometimes."  
  
He shrugged.  
  
She came further to him and rested her shoulder against his, elbows standing on the rail close to his.  
  
"I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice like ice as it shattered everything around them. She joined his head, hung above the river below.  
  
He shook. "It's just sad."  
  
"That's not what it is to you."  
  
He looked back at her, ready to counter. But her eyes caught his, and he stopped. "I know."  
  
His hands fell over the edge of the rail, and she took the nearest one into her own. Analyzing every detail of his skin, she grasped it tightly and pulled him away from the overlook to the bench behind them.  
  
"I'm sorry," she repeated as his head rested against her shoulder. She let her own fall atop of his mess of hair, whispering again. "I'm sorry."  
  
Her hair falling in front of her face was a simple amusement to him. Feather-like, it fell through the wind and shone with every ray of the sun in which they bathed. When the wind picked up, it would take the tresses into her eyes. And at this moment she wouldn't pick up her hand to gently push them out of the way.  
  
So he did so for her.  
  
When his hand caught her view, she reached for it and held it in her lap, sketching blindly over his rough skin, weathered with this day's thoughts. Each of them exhaling strongly, they took advantage of the afternoon around them and fell back to the person next to them.  
  
"What was it like?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"After your brother died."  
  
He stared over and across the city's dull lights, the dirtied air added. "Different."  
  
She looked as if she took the initiative to end the conversation, but Carter continued.  
  
"Our parents were never around, never paid attention." He swallowed. "But after Bobby died everything was different."  
  
"Oh," she murmured. "How?"  
  
Another sigh. "Different. darker. Much quieter."  
  
For a long while, neither of them spoke a word. Just one hand on top of the other, idly admiring still. Whenever a zephyr's trail had spoken, each of them would fall back further.  
  
A soft kiss against his pale cheek: "We've gotta go."  
  
He nodded and together they stood, walking alongside the rail above waters. The breeze picked up and he hung his arm around her hips. Soon they found their own step, and continued with the other in complete serenity.  
  
--  
  
When a baby was put to bed, and the blankets in his crib had been sweetly tucked around his cradled body, the last thing that parents could do was admire his beauty. The same frustrated set from his mother, Carter had pointed out.  
  
Each parent had their arms resting on the side of the crib, eyes set on the tiny being inside. He breathed so softly, and a father could be concerned with nothing but the state of his son's comfort - pulling the blankets down repeatedly to cover the tips of his toes. Sighing continuously at the sight of what they'd created, each found themselves in awe.  
  
Her arm rested at the bottom of his back, hand climbing to twist a gather of his T-shirt into her fingers. With this, he carefully put an arm around her.  
  
He looked down at her, just a glance her way. Within a moment, his lips met the top of her head.  
  
She turned her face to see him, smiling down at her.  
  
And she smiled in return.  
  
--  
  
end  
  
  
  
--  
  
Just wanted to thank *everyone* for being SO supportive about this fic. It was my first one I've ever done and I loved writing it, and receiving your feedback. Sorry it took so long to update it, I've had the first six paragraphs in MSW for about a month. ;)  
  
Thank you so much again, and I really hope this chapter did something.  
  
-manda 


End file.
